Real Life Conversation # 14

Hey, what are you doing on my side of the bed?

Loving life. Your side is much comfier.

Ugh, your side feels weird.

Well get used to it, I claim this side as MikeTopia!

Oh really?

Ow ow ow! No! Ow! There's no biting in MikeTopia!

She can catch me anytime!

The job hunt continues!

Remember The Pretender?
(Ms. Parker, yow!)

Which jobs could you get away with faking it for just seven days?

How about:

Substitute Teacher (anything but math or foreign languages)

Psychiatrist (Simply nod a lot and take notes)

Programmer (Just look thoroughly focused and take 2 hour lunch breaks*)

Horse Whisperer (C'mon, why not - it's not like the horse is gonna tell on you)

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*Sounds posh, but they tend to stay very late and work weekends too

Objectionable Post, Do Not Read

Have you heard about ClearPlay?

They're DVD players with software filters specifically designed to edit out objectionable material - sex, violence, bad language. It's an interesting concept - not really for me, but I can see the value in it.

Check out a before and after comparison of The Matrix Reloaded here.

My real reason for mentioning it is this - though there are millions of people who find extreme violence objectionable, I find sweet-sweet nice-nice (SSNN) to be objectionable. Kids growing up on SSNN programming aren't living in the real world. They won't be properly prepared when someone slips them some acid (or some tongue).

How will little SSNN subverted Billy react when he catches two cute girls making out in the library? Poor Billy will be lost, poor Billy, raised exclusively on SSNN will run as fast as his little legs can carry him to report the incident to a librarian instead of peeking through the books while he BLEEPS BLEEP to a BLEEP BLEEP all over the reference section.

Damn Billy. Damn. That should have been a memory you treasured for the rest of your life, and what did you do? Blabbed to the school about two nice girls exploring their sexuality. Would they be hazed? Ostracized? Worse? All because of Billy and his unfortunate SSNN upbringing.

TSK.

Don't despair folks! Introducing NAWTY (National Association for the Wickidification of Television and film YEAH!).

Thanks to NAWTY, where once there was "Gee golly", "Yes Dear", "I love you Daddy", and "Gosh, I think I like you" now there's "Holy Shit!" "F-yeah baby!" "Screw you, you're not my real Dad!" and "DO ME right here on the floor of the laundry room, you magnificent stallion!"

Thanks to NAWTY, Billy will know how to properly enjoy the library. And his camera phone.

Studios will benefit too! Just think of all those episodes of 7th Heaven and Touched by an Angel..that could be enjoyed by a brand new audience!

UBNUH!

Am I the only one getting tired of this:
How about we get to create our own lists of words? It's the 21st Century, dammit!

It would be cool to create specific word lists for specific pals - like if your Star Trek geek pals visit your blog, they could enjoy Star Trek related word verification.

Or maybe the word verification could be a clue, rather than something you just read and retype - like "What was Scotty's shoe size?"

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Hmn, I wonder if Blogger could make money by using corporate ads as the word verification...? Bet they could.

Dinner Disaster or Pepperoni Opportunity?

Have you ever been obligated to prepare a Dinner? (Note the capital D).

Even if you have weeks to prepare, there's still a lot of stress involved - and you can have the best ingredients, apply only the finest time-tested recipes, use the best equipment, and still fail!

Maybe the humidity was too high, you had a hang nail, there was ill-fated barometric pressure, or a bad hair day. Thousands of tiny factors can add up to a momentous-compulsory-muy-importante Dinner that ends up ruined.

Once again, it's EtchCo to the rescue! Introducing Instant Ruined Dinner!

That's right, for just $9.99, you get the whole Instant Ruined Dinner package, precision-molded from the finest non-toxic recycled newspaper pulp! Only the finest quality full-color pigments!

You'll get what appears to be 4 burned beef, chicken or fish entrees, 4 acrid and soggy rice or potato sides, 4 grayish and limp vegetable portions, and a large burnt apricot blintz. (Full Thanksgiving Package available for just $29.99 - order now)!

Just add water to and microwave the enclosed AirFlava packet for that classic, genuine burnt dinner smell! Instant Ruined Dinner has super easy clean up!

Are you desperately tired of your current stove? Instant Ruined Dinner is a great way to convince your spouse it's time for an upgrade!

Included with your Instant Ruined Dinner order you'll receive a gift coupon for all 4 national pizza merchants. Dinner is saved! Remember, nothing says "Way To Go On That Big Promotion!" like a supreme thin crust with extra cheese.

Coming soon from EtchCo - Instant Ruined Anniversary Sex

Get Clickin

Have you guys been to Slimbolala? Great blog, full of all the things a great blog should be full of!

Here's a good example - the post titled "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To New Mexico" has it all - humor, pathos, fun sketches and a missed left turn in Albuquerque.

It's like WITFITS, but with sketches, children, and cool photos of New Orleans.

It's fun like WITFITS, but less geekery*, it's like WITFITS but it's not a guy from Ohio**. It's like WITFITS, but this guy is married. It's like WITFITS, but...

You know, it's not like WITFITS at all.

Never mind. It's good though, you should go.

~~~~~

*Don't get me wrong, I love me some geekery!
**Some of my favorite folks are from Ohio - /me

Actual Job Postings

Performing physical activities that require considerable use of your arms and legs and occasionally moving your whole body repeatedly, such as walking and balancing.

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ENVIRONMENTAL JOB REQUIREMENTS: Located in a comfortable indoor area. Any unpleasant conditions would be infrequent and not objectionable.

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Oversee a lurker function to monitor Internet chat and blog sites frequented by SVO owners and other timeshare owners.

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provides synthesized reports to appropriate stakeholders

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We are looking for TELEPHONE SALES REPs who: Can take their job seriously, but laugh at themselves, and Love to have Fun

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Needed: Hiring Stylist

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Mills on Wheels and Senior Dining Centers

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Professional appearance and phone presents required
includes tetanus shot bonus if qualified

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Real Life Conversation # 13

Baby, I'm sorry...

What did you do?

Well I was in the kitchen, see... Now, keep in mind that I was cooking dinner for you at the time...

And?

Well I accidentally got some gravy on the cat.

Good grief! Was it hot?

No, not too hot. She wasn't burned or anything...

So what's the problem?

Well you know how scrumptious and munchable she is, and that's on an ordinary, non-gravy day... Well she's delicious covered in gravy!

WHAT?!

Don't worry, I saved you some!

yeah, that's the ticket

So you create a series of vast online scavenger hunt contests with thousands of questions - the winner will receive (cue Dr. Evil voice) One Million Dollars.

The scheme is - included among the actual factoids are numerous engineered nuggets of... er... newly created truth.

That's right, you've created a series of answers that can be found only on the sites you've created - which means millions of hits by people trying to compile all the answers and win the prize.

You've set up each of these dozens of web pages (using free/near free hosting sites) with multiple 'pay per impression' ads, and then advertise the contest widely (the biggest expense of the plan).

You could also sell web traffic to corporate sponsors - by creating question/answer pairs that would require contestants to patronize certain corporate websites to uncover the answers.

Then you allow people to hit the main contest site, (hey, let's charge em $4.99 for the privilege of competing) hit the sponsors, and the engineered factoid sites. A lot of applicants won't finish the contest because it's so long and involved, so you're getting their $5 free and clear.

And the winner? Well, it clearly states in the Terms and Conditions that the million dollars is paid out over 30 years...

EasyClean Layers!

Imagine - instead of spending long, horrible hours scrubbing your toilet, sink, and countertop - you simply peel away the funk and drop it in the trash?

Oh, it's possible! New from EtchCo - EasyClean Layers!

Just peel and stick an EtchCo EasyClean Layers Pack on your toilet, giving you 14 layers of clean between you and the cold porcelain!

Once a week, just peel off the top layer of EasyClean Layers ultra-thin anti-bacterial ultramesh and toss it in the trash! You'll reveal new fresh fragrances and decorative floral prints with each layer! Your toilet is now sparkling clean and fresh, with only 5 seconds of effort - and no harsh chemicals or abrasives!

Finally you'll have the time to do all the things you love! Never again will you waste all day scrubbing the tub, leaving your loved ones bereft of your company!

EtchCo's EasyClean Layers are fully biodegradable, and actually contain wildflower seeds right in the fibers! Once in your compost or garden, the EasyClean Layers will produce a beautiful and restorative environment for one and all! Can Bounty or Brawny say that? NO!

on a scale of one to ten

Just how wasteful is it, when there's a song you want to hear... and instead of digging through your closet to find your Giant Book of CD's (which hasn't been touched in a year) you just buy the song from iTunes?

...And what if you bought the whole album?

For perspective, keep in mind that this closet has never been cleaned since you piled it with shit when you moved in to the apartment a year ago. Something could fall on your head.