Real Life Conversation #56

Cookies! Um, are these supposed to be the holy spirit or something?

They're not ghosts - they're snowmen. I'm taking them to work.

(Munching) Yummy either way.

But one came out weird, he looked like some hooded KKK member.

Ah. I assume he was eaten?

No... I think he's in one of the wrapped plates already.

I don't have a comeback for that.

Real Life Conversation #55

What's that, with the baring of the teeth? Are you challenging me?

No, it's my jaw.

You've been doing that all day. Feels like a threat.

Just stretching my jaw - it hurts. I think it's the way I'm sleeping.

If I were a gorilla I would have roared, pounded my chest and charged you. I'd be eating your flesh by this point. Is it TMJ?

No...

Real Life Conversation #54

Dude! Stephen J. Cannell died!

Who?

Stephen J. Cannell - he created and wrote for a bunch of shows - Greatest American Hero, 21 Jump Street, The A Team, Hardcastle and McCormick, Rockford Files...

Huh. That's too bad.

He died of melonoma. You should get checked out.

But I don't even eat melon.

...

I don't even eat melon! Ha ha ha! Did you hear me?

I heard you.

Real Life Conversation #53

Would you rub my shoulder? The right one, yeah.

Like this?

Good, yeah. Harder. And my arm too.

Okay...

Ow, yeah. Good. Ow. I don't know what I did to hurt my arm.

Hmm, who have you been shlepping?

Who? Who have I been carrying around one-armed?

Oh. Um, who have you been shtupping?

With my arm?

Real Life Conversation #52

If you want this yard sale to be a success, you need to work on your pitch.

My pitch is great. Fast and low, right across home plate.

Uh-huh. How about that last girl? She's like twelve. She would have loved the Louise Rennison books you're selling.

Nah, she was with her grandma - did you notice that woman? Rennison titles would not fly.

Such as?

'Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging'.

Ok, sure, but-

Would 'I'm Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God' be better?

Well...

How would granny feel about 'Knocked Out by my Nunga-Nungas'?

When you put it that way...

'Dancing in my Nuddy-Pants'?
'Startled by His Furry Shorts'?
'Love is a Many Trousered Thing'?

Stop! Okay! You made your point.

Thank you.

Real Life Conversation #51

You know what I've been wanting since we went to see 'Shutter Island'?

Um. No...

Another coke/cherry Icee!

Huh. My slurpee fetish was quashed during the two weeks I worked at 7-11. Wait, ask me that question again.

Ok. You know what I've been wanting since we went to see 'Shutter Island'?

A refund? Ha ha ha!

Come on, it wasn't that bad...

Real Life Conversation #50

Hello! Who is this?

It's me, your Babydu?

What's the password?

Umm, the celery stalks arrive at midnight?

Sounds like a rude awakening. Celery stalks, all poking and insistent.

What? No.

Especially if there was peanut butter involved.

Eww.

Imagine if it was extra crunchy - Ow! And what if the person was allergic to nuts! Think of the unfortunate rash.

I'll be home in an hour. I love you, crazy person.

Real Life Conversation #49

What the hell? Jesus on every channel? Is this the second coming? ...Oh right, it's Christmas.

Real Life Conversation #48

Yeah I've decided to do a anime/hentai story this year.

Cool. Sounds like a channel I couldn't watch while Cindy was home - interesting stuff, with the poultry bondage and all.

Real Life Conversation #47

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, um – this is going to sound odd, but my treadmill stopped working and demanded lube.

Excuse me?

There’s a message on the screen that says ‘LUBE BELT’. I bought the treadmill here…

Ok… Let’s ask Dan. Hey, Dan! What do you know about treadmill lube?

I know we don’t have any.

So… WD40 then?

Yeah WD40 would do.

Real Life Conversation #46

So what's your position there?

Well... Supposedly I'm a receptionist, but really I do everything - even payroll.

I see! So you're a 'Receptionista'!

Ha ha! You're weird.

Real Life Conversation #45

Why do people have to be so damned annoying?

Have you considered the possibility that you take yourself too seriously?

Eff you! No me talks to myself that way.

(Sigh) I rest my case.

Breakfasty Quips

"Are you eating cereal, or calling the parish to Mass?"

Real Life Conversation #44

There you are! What took you so long? I was yelling for you while you were in the bathroom!

I heard you. I was in mid-stream, all right?

Real Life Conversation #43

I don't think anyone believes me!

Huh?

There was a zebra! He was just hanging out with the horses.

Well, this is a horse-breeding area after all.

So you believe me?

I believe you saw a zebra, sure.

Saw? How about, 'I believe there IS a zebra' ?

Wow. No, I'm not going to say that... I don't want to encourage your tenuous grip on reality.

Real Life Conversation #42

Oh! I was so disappointed in our new neighbors last night.

Huh?

I ran out to my car to get something, and I saw their SUV - they're fornicating!

What? Did you say fornicating?

No! Pro McCain.

Real Life Conversation #41

Dude, all of your friends are so cool, great energy!

Yeah, it's great.

So what the hell am I doing here?

Hey, you're one of us.

It's like I thought it through: Hmn, all of Fred's friends are black... Am I black? Wait a minute... Holy shit, I'm black!

Real Life Conversation #40

He sent his kid to fencing camp! And not the construction kind.

Wow, sounds expensive.

But he also sent her to YMCA camp, so it isn't all guns and roses.

Ha Ha HA! What?

:::Chuckle::: Um, what's the term?

A bed of roses?

Yeah, that.

Real Life Conversation #39

Hey, see the one in the white shirt? Think I could get away with that hairstyle?

Hmm, it depends - where are you getting away to?

Real Life Conversation #38

In a car with automatic windows, would you still say "rolled down the window"?

Hmm, I dunno.

Maybe "lowered the window?"

How about... "put the window down"?

You mean like "You suck, window! You're so superficial, so transparent! I can see right through you! And you're all dirty and spotty too! You're just common sand!"

(ROFL!) You deserve a kiss for that one, come here.