Thank you for calling Celestial Support, serving all your afterlife needs, this is Brian. May I have your religion please?
Hello?
Yes, this is Brian with Celestial Support. How may I assist you Ma'am?
Oh God. I think I'm dead. Am I dead? The last thing I remember is the train coming right at me...
According to my data, you are dead, yes Ma'am. May I have your religion please?
Well fuck.
Ma'am? What is your religion?
Wait. Am I allowed to cuss in heaven?
You are not in heaven, Ma'am. May I have-
Baptist! Baptist, ok? Damn, stop for a minute.
(Brian pauses for 60 seconds)
Ma'am, I'm ready to process your transit to the Baptist afterlife...
Um?
Yes ma'am. Now, do you see any light?
No... No! No, I'm blind holy fuck I'm dead and blind for all freakin eternity!
You're not blind, Ma'am. You must remember how to see with your spirit, now that your earthly body is no more.
Pshh. 'See with my spirit', what kind of New Age bullshit is this?
Ma'am, you are speaking and hearing without your body right now.
...Ha ha! You're right. So what do I do?
Look around you. What do you see?
Nothing... Well, I kinda see a soft glow I guess.
What color is the glow, Ma'am?
Ummm. Blue?
Blue. Ok, good. That is your own personal glow.
It's more of a purple maybe?
That's fine. You'll need to extend your gaze a bit, pretend you're squinting into the distance.
Oh! My back doesn't hurt any more! That feels so good. I had some seriously fucked up vertabra, Brian.
That's great news, Ma'am. If you'll extend your gaze please - we're looking for a bright white light...
I don't see anything like that. Are you sure it's supposed to be white? How long is this going to take? Hey, is Abraham Lincoln in heaven? Will we be able to hang out or get a coffee or something?
Hello?
Yes, this is Brian with Celestial Support. How may I assist you Ma'am?
Oh God. I think I'm dead. Am I dead? The last thing I remember is the train coming right at me...
According to my data, you are dead, yes Ma'am. May I have your religion please?
Well fuck.
Ma'am? What is your religion?
Wait. Am I allowed to cuss in heaven?
You are not in heaven, Ma'am. May I have-
Baptist! Baptist, ok? Damn, stop for a minute.
(Brian pauses for 60 seconds)
Ma'am, I'm ready to process your transit to the Baptist afterlife...
Um?
Yes ma'am. Now, do you see any light?
No... No! No, I'm blind holy fuck I'm dead and blind for all freakin eternity!
You're not blind, Ma'am. You must remember how to see with your spirit, now that your earthly body is no more.
Pshh. 'See with my spirit', what kind of New Age bullshit is this?
Ma'am, you are speaking and hearing without your body right now.
...Ha ha! You're right. So what do I do?
Look around you. What do you see?
Nothing... Well, I kinda see a soft glow I guess.
What color is the glow, Ma'am?
Ummm. Blue?
Blue. Ok, good. That is your own personal glow.
It's more of a purple maybe?
That's fine. You'll need to extend your gaze a bit, pretend you're squinting into the distance.
Oh! My back doesn't hurt any more! That feels so good. I had some seriously fucked up vertabra, Brian.
That's great news, Ma'am. If you'll extend your gaze please - we're looking for a bright white light...
I don't see anything like that. Are you sure it's supposed to be white? How long is this going to take? Hey, is Abraham Lincoln in heaven? Will we be able to hang out or get a coffee or something?
LOL- This made me laugh...please have a part 2 to this soon...I can't wait to see how it turns out.
ReplyDeleteLikewise. I was grinning and chuckling all the way through.
ReplyDelete"Listen, sonny, I've been dead for years and know everything about it, so don't talk down to me!"
ReplyDelete"Ok, move your spirit..."
"Spirit? What's that?"