Friday, March 30, 2007

Real Life Conversation # 14

Hey, what are you doing on my side of the bed?

Loving life. Your side is much comfier.

Ugh, your side feels weird.

Well get used to it, I claim this side as MikeTopia!

Oh really?

Ow ow ow! No! Ow! There's no biting in MikeTopia!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

She can catch me anytime!

The job hunt continues!

Remember The Pretender?
(Ms. Parker, yow!)

So splashy splashy's going well and I suddenly think, “I know! I'll turn around, I'll do swimmy swimmy, and then maybe she'll do swimmy swimmy too in a kind of chase me-chase me way and then we'd do catchy catchy and underwater sexy sexy!”
Which jobs could you get away with faking it for just seven days?

How about:

Substitute Teacher (anything but math or foreign languages)

Psychiatrist (Simply nod a lot and take notes)

Programmer (Just look thoroughly focused and take 2 hour lunch breaks*)

Horse Whisperer (C'mon, why not - it's not like the horse is gonna tell on you)


*Sounds posh, but they tend to stay very late and work weekends too

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Objectionable Post, Do Not Read

Have you heard about ClearPlay?

They're DVD players with software filters specifically designed to edit out objectionable material - sex, violence, bad language. It's an interesting concept - not really for me, but I can see the value in it.

Check out a before and after comparison of The Matrix Reloaded here.

My real reason for mentioning it is this - though there are millions of people who find extreme violence objectionable, I find sweet-sweet nice-nice (SSNN) to be objectionable. Kids growing up on SSNN programming aren't living in the real world. They won't be properly prepared when someone slips them some acid (or some tongue).

How will little SSNN subverted Billy react when he catches two cute girls making out in the library? Poor Billy will be lost, poor Billy, raised exclusively on SSNN will run as fast as his little legs can carry him to report the incident to a librarian instead of peeking through the books while he BLEEPS BLEEP to a BLEEP BLEEP all over the reference section.

Damn Billy. Damn. That should have been a memory you treasured for the rest of your life, and what did you do? Blabbed to the school about two nice girls exploring their sexuality. Would they be hazed? Ostracized? Worse? All because of Billy and his unfortunate SSNN upbringing.


Don't despair folks! Introducing NAWTY (National Association for the Wickidification of Television and film YEAH!).

Thanks to NAWTY, where once there was "Gee golly", "Yes Dear", "I love you Daddy", and "Gosh, I think I like you" now there's "Holy Shit!" "F-yeah baby!" "Screw you, you're not my real Dad!" and "DO ME right here on the floor of the laundry room, you magnificent stallion!"

Thanks to NAWTY, Billy will know how to properly enjoy the library. And his camera phone.

Studios will benefit too! Just think of all those episodes of 7th Heaven and Touched by an Angel..that could be enjoyed by a brand new audience!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Am I the only one getting tired of this:
How about we get to create our own lists of words? It's the 21st Century, dammit!

It would be cool to create specific word lists for specific pals - like if your Star Trek geek pals visit your blog, they could enjoy Star Trek related word verification.

Or maybe the word verification could be a clue, rather than something you just read and retype - like "What was Scotty's shoe size?"


Hmn, I wonder if Blogger could make money by using corporate ads as the word verification...? Bet they could.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Dinner Disaster or Pepperoni Opportunity?

Have you ever been obligated to prepare a Dinner? (Note the capital D).

Even if you have weeks to prepare, there's still a lot of stress involved - and you can have the best ingredients, apply only the finest time-tested recipes, use the best equipment, and still fail!

Maybe the humidity was too high, you had a hang nail, there was ill-fated barometric pressure, or a bad hair day. Thousands of tiny factors can add up to a momentous-compulsory-muy-importante Dinner that ends up ruined.

Once again, it's EtchCo to the rescue! Introducing Instant Ruined Dinner!

That's right, for just $9.99, you get the whole Instant Ruined Dinner package, precision-molded from the finest non-toxic recycled newspaper pulp! Only the finest quality full-color pigments!

You'll get what appears to be 4 burned beef, chicken or fish entrees, 4 acrid and soggy rice or potato sides, 4 grayish and limp vegetable portions, and a large burnt apricot blintz. (Full Thanksgiving Package available for just $29.99 - order now)!

Just add water to and microwave the enclosed AirFlava packet for that classic, genuine burnt dinner smell! Instant Ruined Dinner has super easy clean up!

Are you desperately tired of your current stove? Instant Ruined Dinner is a great way to convince your spouse it's time for an upgrade!

Included with your Instant Ruined Dinner order you'll receive a gift coupon for all 4 national pizza merchants. Dinner is saved! Remember, nothing says "Way To Go On That Big Promotion!" like a supreme thin crust with extra cheese.

Coming soon from EtchCo - Instant Ruined Anniversary Sex

Friday, March 23, 2007

Get Clickin

Have you guys been to Slimbolala? Great blog, full of all the things a great blog should be full of!

Here's a good example - the post titled "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To New Mexico" has it all - humor, pathos, fun sketches and a missed left turn in Albuquerque.

It's like WITFITS, but with sketches, children, and cool photos of New Orleans.
It's fun like WITFITS, but less geekery*, it's like WITFITS but it's not a guy from Ohio**. It's like WITFITS, but this guy is married. It's like WITFITS, but...

You know, it's not like WITFITS at all.
Never mind. It's good though, you should go.


*Don't get me wrong, I love me some geekery!
**Some of my favorite folks are from Ohio - /me

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Actual Job Postings

Performing physical activities that require considerable use of your arms and legs and occasionally moving your whole body repeatedly, such as walking and balancing.


ENVIRONMENTAL JOB REQUIREMENTS: Located in a comfortable indoor area. Any unpleasant conditions would be infrequent and not objectionable.


Oversee a lurker function to monitor Internet chat and blog sites frequented by SVO owners and other timeshare owners.


provides synthesized reports to appropriate stakeholders


We are looking for TELEPHONE SALES REPs who: Can take their job seriously, but laugh at themselves, and Love to have Fun


Needed: Hiring Stylist


Mills on Wheels and Senior Dining Centers


Professional appearance and phone presents required
includes tetanus shot bonus if qualified


Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Real Life Conversation # 13

Baby, I'm sorry...

What did you do?

Well I was in the kitchen, see... Now, keep in mind that I was cooking dinner for you at the time...


Well I accidentally got some gravy on the cat.

Good grief! Was it hot?

No, not too hot. She wasn't burned or anything...

So what's the problem?

Well you know how scrumptious and munchable she is, and that's on an ordinary, non-gravy day... Well she's delicious covered in gravy!


Don't worry, I saved you some!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

yeah, that's the ticket

So you create a series of vast online scavenger hunt contests with thousands of questions - the winner will receive (cue Dr. Evil voice) One Million Dollars.

The scheme is - included among the actual factoids are numerous engineered nuggets of... er... newly created truth.

That's right, you've created a series of answers that can be found only on the sites you've created - which means millions of hits by people trying to compile all the answers and win the prize.

You've set up each of these dozens of web pages (using free/near free hosting sites) with multiple 'pay per impression' ads, and then advertise the contest widely (the biggest expense of the plan).

You could also sell web traffic to corporate sponsors - by creating question/answer pairs that would require contestants to patronize certain corporate websites to uncover the answers.

Then you allow people to hit the main contest site, (hey, let's charge em $4.99 for the privilege of competing) hit the sponsors, and the engineered factoid sites. A lot of applicants won't finish the contest because it's so long and involved, so you're getting their $5 free and clear.

And the winner? Well, it clearly states in the Terms and Conditions that the million dollars is paid out over 30 years...

Monday, March 19, 2007

EasyClean Layers!

Imagine - instead of spending long, horrible hours scrubbing your toilet, sink, and countertop - you simply peel away the funk and drop it in the trash?

Oh, it's possible! New from EtchCo - EasyClean Layers!

Just peel and stick an EtchCo EasyClean Layers Pack on your toilet, giving you 14 layers of clean between you and the cold porcelain!

Once a week, just peel off the top layer of EasyClean Layers ultra-thin anti-bacterial ultramesh and toss it in the trash! You'll reveal new fresh fragrances and decorative floral prints with each layer! Your toilet is now sparkling clean and fresh, with only 5 seconds of effort - and no harsh chemicals or abrasives!

Finally you'll have the time to do all the things you love! Never again will you waste all day scrubbing the tub, leaving your loved ones bereft of your company!

EtchCo's EasyClean Layers are fully biodegradable, and actually contain wildflower seeds right in the fibers! Once in your compost or garden, the EasyClean Layers will produce a beautiful and restorative environment for one and all! Can Bounty or Brawny say that? NO!

Friday, March 16, 2007

on a scale of one to ten

Just how wasteful is it, when there's a song you want to hear... and instead of digging through your closet to find your Giant Book of CD's (which hasn't been touched in a year) you just buy the song from iTunes?

...And what if you bought the whole album?

For perspective, keep in mind that this closet has never been cleaned since you piled it with shit when you moved in to the apartment a year ago. Something could fall on your head.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Does anyone actually click on these?

Are you ready for an AMAZING job opportunity?

Fortune 500 company is moving up fast and needs many qualified applicants! Are you ready to turn your life around? We can help! Thousands of people have already discovered how fun, exciting and rewarding working for us can be! Click here for more info!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Dear Google,

It would be a handy web tool if anytime there was a phone number on a web page, you could mouse-over the number, and a little popup would give you the name and address associated with the number.

Netflix has functionality like this when it comes to browsing movies - as on this page (just mouse-over the movie art) - the movie synopsis pops up. Handy!

Usually I don't have a lot of use for phone numbers on websites, but it's job-hunting season.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Potty Humor, Reader Beware

The cat and I (her name is Catalina - have I mentioned that? Usually we just call her Super Cute Kitty or KittyBunny because when she's lying down with her legs completely tucked under her, she looks like a bunny)...

Ahem. The cat and I have reached a new stage in our relationship - while I was home alone the other day, I was using the toilet with the door open.

She trotted right in, hopped into her litterbox, and did her business as if I wasn't there. Now, she'd never done that before. Up to this point, she would peek in, see me, and scamper away.

Apparently she's become a little too comfortable with me - (I must have spoiled her with all those tummy kisses) though she did take the time to bury it when she was done.

Just once in the year we've had her has she gone to the bathroom outside the litter box: She pooped in the corner of the living room, just to show me who was boss (we'd had a row earlier that day, and I admit, I was in the wrong).

She rarely buries her poop. I read somewhere that cats will leave it unburied to show their dominance as top cat in the household.

I'm always theorizing on one silly idea or another... What would it mean to her, how would she react to find a large steaming MikePoo in her litter box? I wish I could try it, and have a litter-cam set up to catch her reaction: Sniff. Sniff. What the? Well...? This isn't mine. Who would...? Sniff. Why? OMG! It was Mike!

Would I become top cat? Would she start bringing me breakfast in bed? Or would she start going in the living room again?

Monday, March 12, 2007

Tick tick tick

I quit my job recently - had I mentioned that? I couldn't take it. I thought I would love a strict corporate structure, and everything that went with it - since I'm highly perfectionist about my work, and I have a strong work ethic.

Instead, I hated it. Maybe I'm far too spoiled by working in game development. Maybe I just missed the self-congratulation of working for free spirited companies over the past 10 years and showing off how timely and studious I could be? Look at me! Look at me!

My sweet and thoughtful wife completely supported my decision to quit - how cool is that? So I'm back in job-hunting mode.

One of Cindy's coworkers makes money on the side as a non-fiction writer for a number of area publications, and Cindy is encouraging me in that area. Since I'm not working, Cindy has assigned me to write two nonfiction pieces by the end of the week. But I don't have any idea which topics to pursue. I mean, I'm not an authority on anything other than my own BS.

So... yeah. Any topic suggestions? Time's running out fast!

Also, some of these job postings are downright funny -

Phlebotomist / Currier
In this position, you would take blood and tan hides? Please tell me you meant "courier". Who has no trouble spelling Phlebotomist, and then stumbles over "courier"?

Lawn Enforcement Officer
Do I get a ruler, badge and gun? Sign me up!

Psychiatrist - Entry level will train
Sounds interesting, actually.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Mark My Words!

News on the street is, we'll be seeing R2D2 themed mail boxes from the USPS here soon:

My first thought was "Cool!"

My second thought was "Bad idea. People will steal them - and that's a Federal offense."

Thursday, March 08, 2007

What You Get for the Money

I've been subjected to a lot of HGTV lately. Should a heterosexual man really be as familiar as I have become with terms like decoupage, foyer, and window treatment?

(I'm a bit distressed about the whole thing. Har har!)

We watch a lot of one show in particular - 'What You Get for the Money - Homes' which takes you to three or four different cities, and explains what you can get for x amount - such as $200,000. (In Los Angeles, a cardboard box. In Florida, something pretty decent!)

I told Cindy my idea for a 'What You Get for the Money' show where all sorts of different products and services would be featured, such as:
"What if I'm in Boston on business and I'm on a budget, and I need to know how much a BJ is? Maybe all I can afford is a handjob."

"Ugh! Stop. You're such a male."

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Only Neil Armstrong can say that. Or can he?

Discovery Channel recently aired a documentary called Expedition Borneo and the show was every bit as good as the trailers led me to believe. It was very well shot - Borneo has such amazing scenery, the documentary had great editing, and the scientists were so damn excited to be there, you get caught up in the thrill too.

Such as one scene where a scientist finds some freaky insect about the size of a dinner plate, and he scoops it up with his bare hands - "He's beautiful, isn't he? OW! He's biting me! Ha ha ha! He's gorgeous! OW! OW! Ha ha ha!"

I really enjoyed watching the program, and the worst part was when it ended. I could go for entire series on these people wandering around in Borneo, and nearly getting killed every day.

There was just one thing I had a problem with:

Repeatedly, the scientists would say "This is amazing! And to think, we're the first people in the history of mankind ever to see this!" and then they'd take a few steps, round a corner, and find a 15,000 year old pyramid. "And this is a 15,000 year old pyramid - they don't build em like this anymore, heh heh!"

And then a couple scenes later: "This is amazing! And to think, we're the first people in the history of mankind ever to see this!" and then they'd round the corner and turn to their native guide and ask a question. Then the scientist would translate for the guide: "Bob and his people have lived here for the last 9,000 years. We're lucky to have him along! He just told me that I've been bitten by a venomous flower and have about 2 minutes to live."

5 minutes later: "This cave is amazing! And to think, we're the first people in the history of mankind ever to see this!"

No one has been in this cave EVER in the history of mankind!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I love you too, Ma'am. Sleep tight.

Thousands of people have sleep disorders - sleep apnea, sleepwalking, nightmares and even night terrors.

For a large monthly fee, EtchCo's SleepGuard can help!

You put the small SleepGuard console unit on your nightstand (connected to the phone line) and a tiny wireless heart monitor on your chest. Then you can go to sleep, secure in the notion that SleepGuard is watching over you - with a webcam, full stereo audio microphones, and a heart monitor!

Traveling? Feel uncomfortable in strange environments? Take SleepGuard with you! We'll keep a watchful eye on your slumber. Having a one-night stand and worried that he/she might be a psycho killer? SleepGuard is your chaperon!

Are you concerned about the little ones getting up in the night? SleepGuard can watch over them as you get a good night's sleep!

Worried about rude awakenings? Ghosts? Alien abductions? SleepGuard has your back!

The SleepGuard console can even play your own heartbeat at audible levels! It also has a digital alarm clock built right in!

If you start to sleepwalk or have a nightmare, a gentle tone from the nightstand unit wakes you up! SleepGuard is also great for morning wake-up calls and reminders!

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Monday, March 05, 2007

Help, Internet, Help!

Continuing my unfortunate trend of enjoying catchy music, one of the most recent songs to catch my ear is Pink Champagne by Venus Hum.

Maybe the reason I keep listening to the song is that the first line confounds me. The lyrics don't make sense (mebbe the problem is, I expect them to make sense). I can't find the official lyrics posted anywhere, either.

This is what the first line sounds like...

"Feeling really so so show
I ride the barcar for a while
the chapman is conversational
but soon we'll both be so tired"

It's the "so so show" part that confuses me. "Slow" would make sense, but it really sounds like "Show". Maybe it's actually a French or other foreign word? I've listened to 3 different versions, 2 of them live performances and they all sound like "show".

For anyone interested in helping me solve this mystery - you can check out the different versions using these links:

Album Version
Live Version
Live Version (Acoustic)

Thanks for your help! Now I won't have to track the band to their homes, pop out of the bushes yelling "What's the first line of Pink Champagne?? What?! What??"

Friday, March 02, 2007

It's Alive! Alive!

Seeing how language is a dynamic thing, how about we get around to making a few changes? For starters:

It is = It's
It (possessive diurnal*) = Its
It (transitive dangling popsicle*) = Its'

How about we lose apostrophes altogether? I mean really.

Shall we just use "its" and let the context determine the precise usage?


*Yes, I know how entirely wrong this is. Any English teachers out there willing to take the trouble of ACTUALLY LOGGING IN to correct me?

Hmm? Bring it.
:::fight'n stance:::

(dude, that'll totally work. she'll be commenting in like, 30 seconds)
(hee hee! I know!)

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Seminole for "Sandy Sandbar of Sand"

As I drive past the many construction sites in the area (wait, 'many' is not concise enough... I think I remember the Governor of Florida declaring the entire state a National Construction Zone) I came to realize something...

Instead of getting dirt and rock when you dig here, you get sand. Then more sand, and then water (once you get about 6 inches down, you get to the water table - this is a good state to be a well-digger) and then more sand.

Florida is just one big sandbar, it seems. Global warming does frighten me, yes - the highest point in Florida is only 345 feet above sea level. (My home state of Ohio has Real and Manly Dirt and Rock! Its highest point is 1550 feet. That's what I'm talking bout!)

As I go around the block on my morning walks, I see all the little ant-hills coming up through each crack in the sidewalk - and of course, all the ant-hills are made of sand. I wonder if Florida ants are damned tired of sand? Could we arrange a work-rotation program to Georgia? Let Florida ants work with a bit of clay, and Georgia ants work with some sand for a change?

It'd be good for colony morale, I'm sure.