Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Sing the song sounds like she's singin

I'm 90% more likely to like a song if the singer is a woman. Why is this? Why do I want women singing to me?

Hmm. Clearly a power trip thing. Clearly. Sing to me, you sweet young thing.

Monday, October 29, 2007

I'll take The Rapist for 1000, Alex

I drive past a kid who's fumbling with the broken chain on his bike, and I'd like to help, but I don't have any tools. And I'm headed to Best Buy to blow some cash. Plus, what if his parents came along? Would they think I was being helpful? Or trying to kidnap their kid?

I remember when I was liitle, wondering why adults didn't step in and help out more often. Once, when I was like 5 or 6 years old, I decided to pretend my legs were broken, and use my arms to drag myself along the sidewalk for about half a block. No one stopped to check on me. Would I stop if I saw a kid crawling along? Probably not.

Friday, October 26, 2007

No Wow, by The Kills

(strangely catchy)

this aint no wow now
they all been put down
this aint no wow no more

this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Green Green Green Green

I know we're spoiled, we replace things instead of fixing them (hey, my parents have had the same microwave for 20 years - it's gone through like 3 magnetrons) but it gets even worse than that. I want to replace things because they get gunk in all the little cracks and crevices.

Yep, going straight to Hell, I know.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A Boyhood Dream of Quadraplegism

The kid in me still desperately wants a lightsaber. Unfortunately, I'd end up lopping my limbs off in the first 30 seconds, so it's all for the best.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

She'll be so surprised!

Keri Hilson, of The Way I Are fame, will be mine, oh yes.

(Keep this on the down-low - she doesn't know yet.)

Monday, October 22, 2007


I give good advice. I wish I listened to myself more.

Easy for me to say, but it's hard to take a guy like me seriously. I mean, the fashion sense? The hair?

And dude? You totally walk like a Muppet.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Best Laid Plans

I was gonna get bagels for everyone on my way to work today. But then, the only bagel place on the way is a tiny Mom-N-Pop, and they don't take credit cards, and I'm out of cash, and it's not really on the way anyway, and I'd need to stop at the ATM, and in the end I'd have to leave an hour early for something that was supposed to be a nice but unnecessary little gesture.

Fuck it.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

That Ain't Sanitary, Yo

Let's say you're in the bathroom at work, taking care of some sulfurous business... When the transaction is complete, you have to pull up your pants, tuck in your shirt, buckle your belt, retie your bow tie, reconnoiter your spats, and so on, before you can even leave the stall to head to the sink and wash up.

Whose bright design idea was this? Why is there no tiny little rinse-and-dab sink plus auto-dispensing soap right there in easy reach next to the toilet, low, close, and readily available before you even consider standing up?

Who wants poop cooties on their pants, belt, and shirt? I can tell you sir, it is not me.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

A little light reading

I check mail in the mornings, since the mailbox is waaaay in the back of the apt complex, and I walk around the complex every morning anyway.

This morning I received my gift-that-keeps-giving magazine subscription from last XMas, the latest issue of Wired. It was spitting rain, so I bent the mag in half and tucked it under my arm.

Early-morning commuters were getting into their cars to head to work (ere daybreak, the poor fools) and driving past me on their way to the freeway.

In my shorts and sleeveless shirt, with the magazine tucked under my arm, I was suddenly embarrassed - it felt like I was taking a long walk to the bathroom, and everyone knew...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Overheard at work

Girl1: "Damn. I need some sustenance up in me."

Girl2: "WHAT?"

Monday, October 15, 2007

Mad Men

Have you guys seen Mad Men on AMC? It's a great show - very well written and acted, and a fascinating window into the world that was 1960. If you haven't yet, take the time to check it out - you won't be disappointed!

Friday, October 12, 2007

iPhone is the Answer!

I've been wanting a thumbdrive to protect and carry my important files. Why buy one, when I could store data with an iPhone. I want a digital voice recorder - I could do that with an iPhone. I want to be able to surf the web while on lunch at work - iPhone. I need a new kidney - iPhone.

Whatever you do, don't watch this.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Early Morning Walk

(30 minutes before first light...)

"Chirp Chirp Tweet!"

"Wow, you're an early bird! Who's gonna get the worm? It's you!"

"I don't eat worms. I eat bugs!"

"No rush then."

Why is it - whenever I personify something, it has a contrary or sarcastic attitude? What does that say about me? Hey, that could be a useful direction for psychology, Personification Analysis.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Avoid the rush

If you feel the need to tell your sister "be careful they don't follow you home" and "you might want to wear a disguise" you'll probably want to start worrying now, to get a head start.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Memory Stick

little green post-it note
thanks to you
I don't have to remember the home voicemail number
(why do we have a home phone, anyway)

little green post-it note
you've been stuck to my whiteboard
for a year now
the E in HOME is a bit scrunched
the top and middle arms run together
and this troubles me a bit
but not enough to fix it

Monday, October 08, 2007

Hi Def Lemon Pledge

Craig's recent post reminds me that I've considered giving up watching television...

I mean, I waste so many hours every day just sitting there, mouth open. Think of how many useful things I'd get done without TV. I remember long ago, before I owned a TV, I spent at least an hour every day just cleaning and straightening the house, just for something to do. Of course, once I'm dead, no one would remember me for having a sparkling kitchen floor, from which you could at any time cheerfully eat spaghetti.

Ahh, I'd just find something else to distract me.

Friday, October 05, 2007

You GO Girl!

My new job deals with cosmetology software. As a guy, it's a completely foreign world of mani's and pedi's and waxings and threadings and dreds and dye chemistry and relaxers and on and on.

If eight years in Los Angeles didn't, a year of this should make me fully Metro.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Etcher's Law #3

"When in doubt, remember SPAJA!"

(Some People Are Just Assholes)

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

4 Letter Words

Damp is a good word for Florida. So's dank. The whole place is a freakin swamp, thank-you-very-much.

(Isn't so's. just such a vulgar word in print?)

This said, it's not surprising that I often have condensation on my car windows in the mornings. Sometimes I even take the time to dry my windows with a paper towel before driving off to work - - not that it helps.

Within 60 seconds, the condensation is back - since the temperature and humidity are just so, just so I can't see out of my windows and have to roll them down before a left or right turn, and sometimes even before changing lanes on the freeway. Now that I have power windows, this process is slightly less aggravating.

You'd think that rolling down the windows would wipe the condensation clear, but it doesn't - the glass has to have room to slide without too much friction, since friction would tax the motors. Rolling windows down will clean part of the window, but inevitably not the part you need, to use your mirrors.

The truly irritating part (whenever I see or type the word truly, I think back to English class, when we were learning business letter formats and the correct spelling of truly) is that car-makers have not created a solution to this. They could put those little metal heating strands (found only in rear windows, it seems) in all the windows - that would solve it. But no. They could find another way to heat and so clear the window, but no.

So how about this? On the outside you affix a low-profile, long and narrow rubber squeegee that sits on the door at the base of and running the length of each window. When you roll the window down, it is cleanly and gently squeegeed of water, bugs, and other debris. The outflow would be a carefully calculated angle to prevent the gunk from ending up inside the car! Yow!

The auto-squeegee is the perfect EtchCo product! All we need is a good name! Ideas?

*Also, if this product already exists, please tell me what it's called and where to buy it. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Paging Doctor Girlfriend...please pick up a white courtesy phone...

While no one mistakes me for a woman over the phone, I've never felt that my voice is as deep as it should be. If I'm meeting or interacting with manly men types (mechanics, plumbers, pro quarterbacks) I find myself putting on a deeper voice, getting into man-mode or some shit.

I have to wonder - maybe most guys don't have that deep a voice either, they just started putting on a fake deeper voice in their teens, never stopped, and now they think it's their real voice.

Maybe I need some deep voice gas?

Monday, October 01, 2007

Real Life Conversation #29

(Though she is definitely spayed, the cat thinks she's in heat)

Aww, look at the kitty in your lap! How cute is that?

Bah, it's just cause she has itchy booty and is looking for an O.

She's always in your lap - what's her excuse the other 364 days a year?