Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Dinner Guests Prep - Suggestion

Long before you start cooking, turn on all the burners to high for 5 minutes. Allow anything burnt on to burn off.

Let the air clear fully (open a window, whydontcha) and then start cooking. This means your lovely dinner won't be tainted by the smoking remains of last week's Chef Boyardee.

Monday, May 28, 2007

While playing Diabo 2 this weekend

I'd summoned an Iron Golem, using as my metal component a pair of very snazzy armored boots...

At one point, the Iron Golem was in my way, stuck in place and jittering in the "help, I'm stuck!" half-animation.

"Dammit, get out the way!" I said. "Stoopid Golem."

"Hey! Give me a break! I'm made of shoes!"
my brain answered for the Golem, in an Eddie Izzard voice.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Real Life Conversation # 19

Huff huff hff huff!

I'm worried that after I leave, you'll fall off the treadmill and lie there, hurt.

Huff huff! Aw, I won't fall.


And if I did, the kitty would call 911 and give me CPR.

Chuckles.. I can see her jumping on your chest, boing! boing!

Cute Kitty Voice: Dammit, I'm not gonna lose you! Puff! Puff! Fight! FIGHT!

Cute Kitty Voice: ...I haven't had breakfast yet!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

this never happened

Yeah, my Uncle Ben was kinda out there, you know?

He was always like "I'm gonna make it big, kid! Everyone's gonna know my name!"

Like anyone could be famous for making rice.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Y Chromosome and You

There are Men and there are grown boys.

I'm a grown boy. I feel like I should be admitting that in front of a support group for some reason...

Monday, May 21, 2007

3 Things

Why is it, going 3.8mph on the treadmill makes taking a drink of water a series of careful deliberate steps, but in the car, I think nothing of toying with my iPod at 70mph?

Can work stress cause stigmata? Or did I simply poke myself on something? And if it is stigmata, why me? Wouldn't a true believer have a lot more fun with them? Talk about something to include in the Christmas letter.

Hey, I get paid tomorrow!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Attn: Time-Traveling Assassination Squad 3

Dear TTAF-S3 Captain,

Congratulations on the rousing success of your most recent mission!

Our clients (The Committee for Easy-Listening Radio Sanity) are most pleased with the never was .of Bob 'Ducky' Jameson. Nothing shuts a guy up like having his grandfather killed as a two year old. In fact, the client was so pleased that they provided a $5000.00 bonus for each of you!

Unfortunately, Ducky Jameson's gap in the Easy-Listening genre has spawned an artist almost as bad. (no, I'm not talking about Kennys A-F, as it seems soprano saxophones cannot be banished no matter how we try).

The new target is one Rod Stewart. Search north London in the mid 1940's. Dangerous place, London... Maybe a V2 could take out mommy.
.Tempus Iuguolo

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Preliminary Report XJA2(B)

The ruins on the planet are extensive. We've begun digging on the northern continent, which was recently uncovered when the P3 Glacier retreated.

We appear to have discovered what is almost certainly a religious offering, laboriously scrawled using a red waxen stylus on a bleached, mashed cellulose and epoxy medium.

Their supreme deity appears to have been a form of large Awqk.

This prayer-sheet appears to juxtapose the dichotomy of the precise nature of this Awqk-God, (as is typical with all early mammalo-sapiens) describing him as an Awqk, but without hair, and therefore fundamentally un-Awqk-like.

Perhaps this lack of hair was a symbol that this Awqk (named Fuzzy Wuzzy, it seems) was more enlightened than his (presumably) hairy peers. The debates regarding Evolution were clearly an important issue on this planet.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Spot the Fake # 2

I'm dealing with maps a lot lately. I'm still new to Florida, so the perversity of the locales just gets me. Surely there is no actual place named Yeehaw Junction. Surely.

Can you spot the fake Florida town name in the list below?

DeFuniak Springs
Lake Panasoffkee
Myakka City
Opa Locka
Punta Gorda
Weeki Wachee
Wuzzle Springs
Yeehaw Junction

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Real Life Conversation # 18

Well he just really likes living alone, is all.

Hmph. Anyone who likes living alone hasn't met the right person.

(They both marinate in the unexpected romance of that statement)

Monday, May 14, 2007

You're young until you're not...

In 3 years, I will have graduated from high school 20 years ago.

In 3 years, I'll probably feel old. Maybe I'll start early, and avoid the rush.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Etcher on Parking - Test 1

Which is the best parking spot in this scenario?

A: No! Too crowded near the store, too many drivers vying for the spot, as you are parking and as you are driving away. Also, too crowded with pedestrians.

B: Yes! Pull all the way through via E, to make for an easy exit! The cars on either side probably belong to people who work at the store, they'll likely be there all day.

C: No! Too many jerks zipping around. Never park on the end.

D: No! Someone could park next you, and do a bad job of it.

E: No! Someone could park next you, and do a bad job of it.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Yay! Gainful Employment!

I start my new job today!
It's a real pretty area, tho tracking down a Filet O' Fish might be a problem...

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Actual Job Postings # 3

...a bit of an audit or accounting background always helps.


Education and Experience: A high school diploma.
Must be certified ACI Field Testing Technician Level 1 and Safety Training for Nuclear Density Gauges.


Exp. Preferred, will train


Sewing Machine Operators.
A/C & Heated room.


Come travel with us, leaving soon. Paid cash weekly. Driver's license a bonus.


As a floral transporter with Armellini, you make it happen!


Scribe- PT,
Req: Medical terminology, nice handwriting, Good spelling


LABORER help install septic and drain fields.
Min. of 25 yrs old. Good health.




seeking 6FT employees in Research and Manufacturing Positions

Monday, May 07, 2007

2 Things

I would like to send 2 notes through time:

1) To me, aged 20...
.....Do it NOW, NOW, NOW

2) To me, aged 50...
.....Yes, you do need a neck tuck. And get those jowls trimmed back, damn.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Real Life Conversation # 17

Ooh, cookies and milk for breakfast?


What? There's no reason to be shy - cookies for breakfast, that's what being an adult is all about. I'm having ice cream.

Uh-huh. Grr.

Hey, it's cool. You don't have to convince me it's all right.

Who said I was trying to convince you?

Thursday, May 03, 2007


Y'all in the South! Get your butts down to Publix, and get some Sticky Buns Ice Cream! Delicious!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Maybe it's just me

What do you think of when you see a sign for this establishment?

I don't want to bias you, so I'll hold my opinion until I have yours...

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Her name was Littlebit

My laptop is in Intensive Care right now, or needs to be.

It started out with mouse driver error messages. I cleaned up the drive, ran virus scans, reinstalled the mouse driver. Then video card driver error messages started. I repaired them. (I'm really happy that I backed up 99.99% of my files at this point, onto our other PC.)

Then the system would not boot. It would try to boot for about 15 seconds, and then start over. Then it would start over. Then it would start over. It would not boot in Safe Mode, or any other mode for that matter.

I used the restore disc and reset the system back to its out-of-the-box configuration. YAY, it worked!

...for about 10 minutes.

Then blue screens of crapitude started, crashing the system at random -
Bad Pool Caller
Page Fault in Non Paged Area
IRQL Not Less or Equal
Now, I'm not nearly as technical I'd like to be, so please forgive what is likely an ignorant question: With a fresh system restoration and an ongoing "crapping out every 3 minutes" problem, it seems as if it's hardware-related? Motherboard issues?

Clearly, I need to get it looked at by a professional, but I have to guess that if it IS a hardware problem, I might as well buy a new laptop. How long do laptops last, anyway? This is my first one, and I've had it just exactly two years.

Obviously, you can just keep replacing everything that breaks, but how long is that cost-effective?