Three Beeps Too Many

We bought a new microwave a few months ago, after I dropped the glass plate of the last unit, and it shattered into a million tiny shards. The old unit was over ten years old, and did not have a model number or any other information. I tried three or four different glass plates in it, but none of them fit.

So! New Microwave! It's a pretty little unit made by Emerson, with a snazzy red color scheme. It works well, does its job.

But the BEEPING! Good Lord, the BEEPING. When it's finished cooking something, it beeps not once, not twice, but way too many freaking times. It must have something to prove... What is going through its little brain?

BEEP (They might wonder if they really heard me BEEP, better BEEP again)

BEEP BEEP (Hello? Well they still might not hear me, better BEEP again)

BEEP BEEP BEEP (Anyone there? I'm so damn lonely. Perhaps they're in the other room, folding laundry. Better BEEP again)

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP (I like this sound! I think I'll just keep it up! Maybe I can turn it into a song)

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP (Ha! That'll teach 'em! Fuckers! I loved that shelf at Wal-Mart and this place sucks!)

That's right folks, FIVE VERY LOUD BEEPS. I don't think I'm alone here, but that's too damn many BEEPS. I've never been so motivated to learn how to hack an electronic item. I'd even be happy with zero BEEPS. If there was a speaker, I would tape over it or cut the wires. Yeesh!

But there isn't a speaker, so I'm stuck hovering by the damn microwave, ready to stop it the split second before it reaches '0'. And god forbid I get distracted and the damn thing goes off. It seems to BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP even louder, as if in wicked glee. I've actually sprinted across the apartment, trying to make it in time, only to be denied.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!

5 BEEPS, Emerson? Really? Seriously now. Was there no focus group testing?

Poppy Goodness

Over a year ago, my sister gave me an ear of popping corn - Uncle Ozgood's, to be specific.

The ear sat in my cupboard so long because it was with the oatmeal. I only spotted it while I was preparing breakfast, which meant that Cindy was either sleeping or half-asleep, and in no mood to enjoy popcorn popping right off the cob.

Finally I remembered the cob one evening. You're supposed to use the paper bag that comes with the cob, but what's the fun in that? I plopped the cob in a glass bowl and let the microwaves bombard it like some sinister Soviet Military Cold War test. It was really fun to watch the kernels bursting right off the cob, though there was a lot of steam which made it harder to see.

I can honestly say this was the most entertaining two minutes I've had with a microwave since I discovered what happens to marshmallows when you 'nuke' them.