WOO! SUCCESS!

I felt an urgent need to use the restroom. While still in the doorway of the men's room, I noticed there was but a teensy scrap of toilet paper left.

I rushed to and checked the supply cabinet in the south hall - empty! The north hall cabinet - empty!

Shit shit shit.

I dared into the women's bathroom, where two rolls of toilet paper waited on the counter, smug in their crinkly wrapping paper. Huzzah! I grabbed one of the rolls, and absconded with it as if I were stealing an infant for a wife who must never know I threw the baby out with the bathwater.

YES! I ROCK! I felt a surge of pride and self-sufficience, surely the same sensation my prehistoric hunter-gatherer ancestors felt as they brought down a saber toothed tiger with their bare hands. I had reached deep into the secret core of my environment and wrenched free a mouthful of meat still hot from its beating heart!

Freeway Snaps #4

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Is it just me, or would this be a better name for a lingerie shop? Maybe someone bought a lingerie shop, converted it into a pet spa, and didn't have the money for a new sign?

Sneaky Snack Solutions

We're not supposed to eat at our desks at work - yet we get no breaks other than lunch breaks. A person gets a bit peckish, you know?

So I came up with this food delivery system that's below the radar, or on the down-low, as it were:

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Reason #283

Just in case you think I need another reason to dislike Florida:
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This mofo's body was two or three inches long, before you even start measuring the legs... And he he has a little friend, too!

Freeway Snaps #3

I spend about 36 hours a month commuting, and come across all sorts of interesting things on the I-75 in central Florida.
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If you don't live in Florida, you might not be aware that there's a whole industry devoted to custom golf carts...

I find this hilarious

It's time you knew something about me...

I love Kylie Minogue. Though it's crap, it's all so damn catchy.
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Looking at the web site makes me feel mighty gay, though my love for womenfolk is undeniable. Man-Lesbian? Is there a term?

Cash? For me? No thanks!

What's the story with trucks with the 'Not for Hire' signs on them?

Are the truck drivers harassed wherever they go? People flagging them down at street corners, waving them over while on the freeway, Hey Hey Mr. Truckdriverman! Hey! Can I hire you?

"Look, here Lou. We need a new 'Not for Hire' sign! I had three people stop me yesterday and offer me work. So, it looks slow today - can I go home early? I don't need the money."

Another Fine EtchCo product!

I don't know about you, but I have tons of projects I would love to finish, but somehow never get around to them.

How about this? You log in to Etcho's ProjectEnforcement.com, type up your project synopsis, enter a start date, a projected finish date, and buy some collateral - a $200 or $500 bond, say. That seems pricey, but remember, not finishing the project needs to sting, or where's the motivation?

Next, you can agree to a pre-set contact schedule, or customize one of your own - do you want ProjectEnforcement.com to call you once a week? Once per day? Do you want email reminders? Text message reminders? You'd fill out agreements that give the web site permission to hassle you.

Say once per week you get a friendly email, once per fortnight you get an encouraging phone call, and once per month you get an urgently-worded snail mail letter stressing the importance of finishing the project.

"How are ya's? We's understands you's supposed ta be halfways done wit dat wedding scrapbook. Ya's only gots two more weeks, until things gets, ah - Jimmy, what's dat? Yeah, things'a get 'unpleasant'. Ya's don't wants that, do ya's? Heh heh heh."

You could set milestones, so you could set a novel you'd like to write as a project, and when you finish the synopsis, you log in to ProjectEnforcement.com, mark it off, finish the outline and mark it off, each chapter or act could be a milestone. You'd get congratulatory missives for each milestone - "Way to go!".

If you finish the project on time, you get your $500 bond back. If not, the pressure is turned way up for those last few weeks. Of course, you can forfeit at any time, and lose the entire bond. Want an extension? For a small fee, we would be happy to give you another 30 days to complete the project, and still be eligible for the full bond.

Once late, for every day the project is not finished, ProjectEnforcement.com will charge you $50. You'll get daily phone calls at this point, angry letters, and so on - until the entire bond is gone.

Once your bond is forfeit, your community profile status will blacklist you as a 'No Good Dirty Quitter', until you complete a project, when you're returned to 'Wanna-Be" status.

You're OUT (of my car)

Dear Hitch-hiker by the freeway onramp:

Strike 1: You were wearing a wifebeater and shorts at 8am on a Monday
Strike 2: Uncombed and unshaven
Strike 3: Smoking a cigarette

You know, maybe I could overlook the first and the second, but getting my car all stanky with cigarette funk? No thank you.

Mmn, Mushrooms

I encountered these dinner-plate-sized mushrooms on my way to check mail recently. Too bad they would probably kill me if I ate em. It would be cool if I owned testing apparatus that could scan and verify them safe for consumption. Pretty though.

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Why so many pics lately, you ask? Well I finally have a camera phone that takes decent pics, is all.

Jump for the treat!!

We barely have to starve her at all to encourage this sort of behavior...
Though next time I'll wear gloves.

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New desk, new sign

This is a sign at my desk at work. My desk is in front of an emergency exit hatch (literally in front of it) and the hatch itself is sealed with drywall compound, and painted over.

I'd love the chance to test it someday... How long would it take me to drag my desk out of the way far enough to get the hatch open? And how readily would the hatch open? And hey, it would open in exactly the wrong direction. If I moved my desk to the only place I could move it, the desk would assist the door in blocking everyone but myself from using it.

What is Jeopardy?

1) Good Luck Craig! I can't wait to see you on the show!

2) Kato - did you know, one of the guys who invented Talk Like a Pirate Day was on Jeopardy recently, did you catch that one?

same emas

I was taking a walk this morning and came upon two green Toyota Rav4's parked side by side. His and hers? You'd think they'd choose different colors at least. But considering the number of old folks I see walking around in identical red sweatsuits, mebbe not.

Holy shit - do the license plates have the same numbers? Hold on. No, just the first 3 letters are the same. How weird would it have been to discover the plates were duplicates?

I'd have had to check the VIN next. And what if the VINs matched perfectly for each car? Look inside to see identical wear and tear - the driver's side seats have a cigarette burn in the exact same place!

Against my better judgement, I creep up to the house and listen - what would I hear? Identical voices arguing over which of them was the real one. How this is the miracle they've been waiting for, these past 23 years. How he's a cheating, abusive bastard, but if I left he would kill himself, and now I can leave, thank the lord, now I can leave! Fuck you bitch I'm not staying here so you can leave! You're not even real! Your ass is staying here, even if I have to tie you down.

The sound of glass breaking!
A scream!
Muffled sobbing.
The front door flies open, and I crouch in the bushes.
A 40ish woman comes storming out and jumps in one of the Rav4's.
She speeds off.

I back away, and try to forget what I just heard.

Early Sunday at the grocery store

At the register:

Points an accusatory finger -
"You know, young man - if you had bunched your items together to fill the entire width of the belt, I would have room to put my stuff on."

Looks at watch -
"Shouldn't you be in church?"

Yes, this was in a bar, how did you know?

(The hollow dried shell of a fruit)

Years ago, I read a Tim Cahill book about his adventures traveling the deep dark jungles...

I can't recall if it was South America or Africa, but he talked about a culture where the menfolk wore only a gourd which covered their privates - such as the one seen below:

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I was undressing after work one day, and thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of being unencumbered by all the shoes, buckles, ties, stays, straps, laces, and etc. of the workaday world. Ahh, sweet relief!

Do the gourd-wearing menfolk of that tribe come back to the hut after a long day and sit down: "Damn, it feels good to get that gourd off! Sweet freedom!"

Or do they wear an undergourd beneath? Do they prance around, harassing their good lady wife with their near-nakedness?

During this meditation on gourd-wearing, I've made a discovery that will stand the etymological community on its head - this is the source of the phrase "You're out of your gourd", which of course means "You're naked!".

Libbys Libbys Libbys on the Label Label Label

Blogger labels...

I have a number of post series, such as the Real Life Conversations (check your local listings).

I'm up to 39 real life conversations, and if you click on the label link for RLC, you get the 20 most recent posts with that label (because in my dashboard, I have 'show last 20 posts' selected).

I wonder if there's a way to create an exception when it comes to viewing a labels result, since the frustrating thing is, once you've read the first 20, there's no way for the reader to go on to the next 20.

I could create a link within each RLC to an RLC master list page, where all the RLCs were listed one after the other in one post, or a post with links to each individual post, but I'm more interested in finding a fix for the labels.

Freeway Snaps #2

I spend about 36 hours a month commuting, and come across all sorts of interesting things on the I-75 in central Florida.

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Real Life Conversation #39

Hey, see the one in the white shirt? Think I could get away with that hairstyle?

Hmm, it depends - where are you getting away to?