Why I'm not in charge

Ok, so all of the guests will be dressed as Deadites, right? The minister will be dressed like Evil Undead Ash, and I'll be dressed as Ash, and you'll be Sheila, of course.

And instead of saying "I do", we'll say "Klaatu birata nikto".

My only concern is how to work in the chainsaw...

You can't make this stuff up*

CBS, clearly itching with jealousy over the popularity of the NBC mutant-teen drama HEROES, has begun development of their own teen drama involving special teen eye-candy.

SCIONS chronicles the lives of ten 'random' teens brought together from around the globe (but mostly from America, because apparently the American public can't stand them no subtitles) who have the desperate duty to...
wait for it... Save The World.

These 10 SCIONS are the descendants of great minds of the past - Shelly Kipling, (heir of Rudyard Kipling, it seems), Ellie Churchill, Jake Einstein, Giorgetta Da Vinci, Pheobe Edison, Yannis Socrates, and four more yet to be revealed.

"We've put our own twist on it," says CBS. "Our Einstein is a beat poet and horrible at math! They're young people still trying to discover themselves."

While they have no mutant powers, the SCIONS all share a genetic history of genius, and are brought together as a first-of-its-kind think-tank to prevent an Extinction Level Event which is about to devastate the planet.

Oooh! Can't wait not to watch it.

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*And yet, I did.

It just came to me

"Ironing has nothing to do with heat, steam, or starch, and everything to do with will power."

Which must be why all the stuff I iron ends up 'somewhat less wrinkled', instead of 'crisply pressed'.

Real Life Conversation # 22

I don't know how you girls do it. White girls I mean.

Hmm?

Go out with white guys. I mean, I know I am one, but.
We're so bland and geeky and wimpy.

There are lots of sexy white guys.

Well I can tell you - there aren't many of 'em in software development.

Maybe girls go out with white guys, you know, because they have Power.

(snorts) I don't even have power windows.

Too easy?

So the theory goes that you can get up to light speed, but you couldn't possibly take enough fuel with you, because you need exponentially more fuel the faster you go.

Why not a Solar-Powered Mag Beam Light Speed System? All of the hardware would be separate from the vessel, which simply has the sail on it.

Hmm?

This photo approved by committee?

1) Look at the creepy guy on this web page

In case it doesn't load properly, here's a cropped version:

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2) Is it just me?

It doesn't inspire me with a sense of consumer abandon, I can tell you that.

It doesn't make me say "Sprint rocks! I want to spend more cash with Sprint!"

His grin seems to say "Welcome to County Jail. You sleep, I cut you."
He looks like one of The Joker's henchmen.

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(The nummy conjoined twins near the bottom of the page (back to back? there's something new for Discovery Health Channel to look into)..DO help to offset the guy's ick factor, but still, relations with these girls might present logistical and anatomical challenges. And we'd need a massage table, cause they both need to breathe.

Also, I'm only one man!
Be patient, Sybil, I'm attending to Gladys right now.)

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Polite Hint: You Can't Spell

"Enthusiams." - me as De Niro as Al Capone

I'm not at all enthusiastic about pennies. Many a time, I've seen a penny on the ground and not deigned to pick it up. Like children, a penny on the ground is likely to be sticky.

A nickel... I also probably wouldn't bother with. While a nickel might not be sticky, it may well be tacky or gummy.

A dime, now. A dime I would pick up. You can actually buy something with a few dimes. A nickel? What can you buy with a handful of nickels? Why am I significantly and disproportionally more enthusiastic about dimes than nickels? I dunno.

A quarter? Hell yeah I'm gonna pick up a quarter, I don't care if it has blood and gore on it. Maybe it hearkens back to my Pac-Man days, but a quarter is like, part of a soda or a honey bun or a load of laundry, quarters is money.

Real Life Conversation # 21

Aww that's so thoughtful baby, thank you!

Sure sure, no problem!

(coy) Who taught you to be so thoughtful?

(mock yelling) It was YOU alright? I learned by watching YOU!

(chuckles) Dating yourself there honey.

Thought I was dating you. Heh Heh. Ooh, yeah.

Go put some pants on.

she also wields a block of pumice

What is it with the commercials for bathroom cleaning where (usually a woman, because somehow, corporations think only women scrub bathrooms) a woman is standing before the toilet wearing safety goggles, welding gloves, hip waders, a lead apron, and wielding a pick and chisel.

Why?

I have cleaned bathrooms professionally, and I'm the one who cleans them at home. All you need to clean a toilet are:

a) Paper towels

b) Windex

(Note - add a bleach tablet to the tank once a month.)

Using the Windex, you spray the toilet's tank and lid, then open the lid, then spray the top of the lid, then spray the seat, then lift the seat, spraying the underside of the seat, the rim and bowl.

Wait 30 seconds. Wipe down everything you just sprayed. Now spray the base, everywhere, and wipe it down. If you do it right, you will need at most 3 paper towels (Bounty).

DONE.

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Real Life Conversation # 20

- 2 weeks ago -

I'm telling you, my car smells like dead ants.

Wha?

A whole mess of 'em crawled in there and died.

Come on. What do dead ants smell like?

Uh, it's like a sweet and acrid smell...

You're crazy. Dead ants don't smell.

- last night -

...Also take some Febreeze with you,

Huh?

And spritz yourself down before you meet them.

Why?

Cause when you get out of the car? You totally smell like dead ants.

Still nothing

What? Is it so hard to believe that I have no life?

Nothing to report

Weird, I know.

Mum

Mum, I said!

Poor lil dude

Imagine the unfortunate, honest and hardworking Nigerian guy, a bright new graduate of Nigerian Computer Polytechnic, who doesn't understand why no one replies to his emails.

Eeep!

Do not, unless you are prepared to have your fundamental understanding of life and sanity challenged, go up to your spouse and (jokingly) say with grave seriousness:

"We need to talk. I found your secret stash."