Etcher's Law #2

Managing everyone's perception of you is very important in all aspects of life.
How do you register on other people's radar?

Make all your blips good blips.

Freeway Snaps #1

I spend about 36 hours a month commuting, and come across all sorts of interesting things on the I-75 in central Florida.

Etcher's Law #23

It's all about expectations - you don't go to the Cobbler for cobbler.

I never said this

"Dude, dude. Dude! You need to decide once and for all, all right? She's either the best thing that's ever happened to you, or she's the cheating whore who gave you Chlamydia."

Is there a microbiologist in the house?

I'm trying to improve my diet - one way is by attempting (oh foolish me) to avoid high-fructose corn syrup.

I'm eating yogurt, and noticed that among the ingredients is something called "fructan".

A fructan is a polymer of fructose molecules - Plants storing their food as fructans are able to thrive at low temperatures since fructans confer tolerance to freezing. They bind to membranes, thereby helping to keep cells intact.

So...does "fructan" count as "fructose"? It seems essentially a sugar, but is it a bad sugar? I've read a bunch of stuff online (mostly research papers) and it's hard to tell, since I lack the scientific vocabulary.

Help Help!

Weekly French Lesson

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's irate about the French language lessons that teach you utterly useless things to say, such as:

"Voulez-vous passer s’il vous plaît le plateau de fromage de chèvre?"
("Would you please pass the plate of goat cheese?")

Here's something you'll actually use:
"J'ai mangé trop de Twinkies - où est l'Immodium A-D?"
("I have eaten too many Twinkies - where is the Immodium A-D?")

I have empowered you! Go forth! Impress some yokels!

True Story

"I guess it depends on how you define 'completely unprovoked', right? RIGHT??"

Up High, Down Low, Little Dirty

I've owned a few domain names over the years... I was looking into one that I've been wanting for a while, and it's set to expire in a couple weeks.

I was researching the best ways to backorder the domain, and I came across this article - interesting reading, I had no idea!

The Pool.com method is especially awful/cool if you're them - what a great money making method, for something that is essentially automated.

a sign near my desk at work

All you have to do is drag 2 fully laden desks out of the way to escape.
You'd think this would be a fire hazard.

Yay! Go Me!

Mike, as you know - I accidentally overwrote your blog template last night with a harshly edited version without archives, comments, or links.

I'm sorry. I know, I know, it sucks!

However, thanks to your foresight two weeks ago when you inexplicably backed up the template for no good reason, it has been restored!

Go May 11th Mike!
May 28th Mike thinks you rock the casbah! Woo!

Thanks,
Mike

Crooner Porn

Whenever I listen to Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Mel Torme, or any of those cats, I can't help but change the lyrics to the most crude, crass, and pornographic wording possible.

Why do I do this, I dunno.

You should try it, it is the fun.

I wonder if these re-imagined songs would sell?

Proof of Insurance

Let's say I'm pulled over by the police, and they want to see my proof of insurance - I don't have the most current printed proof, so I use my iPhone to access the Geico website and view the on-screen proof.

"See, Mr. Officer Sir, I have full and current coverage with Geico! Let's dance!"

Would that get me out of a ticket? Probably not.

But what's the difference between a piece of paper and a digitally displayed document? The online version is much more likely to be up to date than the paper version, which (HELLO) I print myself at home, using my PC and my very own printer.

It would be easy to print myself a completely fake proof. It would be easy to create a fake web proof too... So, what's valid? I'm sure there are some precedents out there for virtual docs vs. printed ones - I'll have to do some research.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury...

"Oh NO! Eeew! A frog just hopped in front of my car and got squished."

"Are you sure you didn't swerve toward the frog?"

"What? NO!"

"Frogs aren't known for their speed, is all."

"You never heard of frog racing?"

"Against other frogs. It's not like they're chowing down on high-octane bugs."

Eclectic, or Random?

Happy Nation (remix) -- Ace Of Base
Uninvited -- Alanis Morissette
I'll Fly Away -- Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch
You Know I'm No Good -- Amy Winehouse
Yakety Sax (Benny Hill Theme) -- André Rieu
Bach (JS): Lute Suite in E Minor, BWV 996 - Sarabande -- Andrés Segovia
Moon River -- Andy Williams
Suffocate Me -- Angelfish
Song For A Future Generation -- The B-52's
Another Postcard -- Barenaked Ladies
Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) -- Big & Rich
Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) -- Billy Joel
The Bad Touch -- Bloodhound Gang
Witchcraft -- Book Of Love
Ain't No Other Man -- Christina Aguilera
Nil Se'n La -- Clannad
Tomorrow, Wendy (Live) -- Concrete Blonde
Be My Producer -- Dani Siciliano
16 Candles -- Danielle Dax
The Dreaming Tree -- Dave Matthews Band
This Can't Be Love -- Diana Krall
Hooray For Hollywood -- Doris Day
Mercy -- Duffy
Lyin' Eyes -- The Eagles
Can't Get It Out of My Head -- Electric Light Orchestra
Queer -- Garbage
The Thunder Rolls -- Garth Brooks
Ooh La La -- Goldfrapp
Sally Go Round the Roses (live) -- Great Society
2 Wicky -- Hooverphonic
At Seventeen -- Janis Ian
Standing Still -- Jewel
He'll Have to Go -- Jim Reeves
In The Cool, Cool, Cool Of The Evening -- Rosemary Clooney
Mama He's Crazy -- The Judds
Jesus Walks -- Kanye West
Milkshake -- Kelis
Since U Been Gone -- Kelly Clarkson
Virus (Pestilence Mix) -- KMFDM
Pretend We're Dead -- L7
Out Comes The Evil -- Lords Of Acid
Tango To Evora -- Loreena McKennitt
Won't Go Home Without You -- Maroon 5
Devil Woman -- Marty Robbins
Angel -- Massive Attack
Worrisome Heart -- Melody Gardot
Thieves -- Ministry
Gossip Folks -- Missy Elliott
A Girl Doesn't Get Killed by a Make-Believe Lover -Thrill Kill Kult
Exotica -- Mychael Danna
When They Ring The Golden Bells -- Natalie Merchant
Cracklin' Rosie -- Neil Diamond
Feeling Good -- Nina Simone
Terrible Lie -- Nine Inch Nails
Control I'm Here -- Nitzer Ebb
Too Drunk to Fuck -- Nouvelle Vague
Carmen -- Paula Cole
You Make Me Sick -- Pink
Let's Never Stop Falling In Love -- Pink Martini
Angry Johnny -- Poe
Undenied -- Portishead
Machine Gun -- Portishead
Tommy The Cat -- Primus
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (From Company B) -- The Puppini Sisters
The Child (Inside) -- Qkumba Zoo
Shiny Happy People -- R.E.M.
Fidelity -- Regina Spektor
Story of Us -- Sarah Fimm
The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance -- Sinéad O'Connor
I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow -- The Soggy Bottom Boys
I'm Free -- The Soup Dragons
What I Got (Reprise) -- Sublime
If I Were a Weapon -- Suzanne Vega
Istanbul (Not Constantinople) -- They Might Be Giants
No Scrubs -- TLC
Wordless May -- Venus Hum
America -- The Youngs
In The Waiting Line -- Zero 7

Place the quote

"I'm not an expert, but I don't think Scarecrows knock."

10 Reasons...

10 Reasons Why Cryogenic Freeze Might be a Bad Idea
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You wake up in the distant future to discover the horrors of...

1) Freezer burn

2) You are one of a million immortal hivemind slave labor clones

3) Jamaharon is ubiquitious and free - however: 'No Cryos!'

4) Disco makes a big comeback

5) Worldwide honey mustard shortage

6) You have to reboot your brain twice per day

7) Cheek pinching replaced handshakes

8) Cybersex can now give you syphilis

9) Surgeon General now warns against ranch dressing

10) Kenny G posthumously named King of Rock and Roll

Kinda sets the tone for day

2 Things

1) Is it wrong to jog laps around a cemetery?
2) There is no 'A' in cemetery.

Real Life Conversation #38

In a car with automatic windows, would you still say "rolled down the window"?

Hmm, I dunno.

Maybe "lowered the window?"

How about... "put the window down"?

You mean like "You suck, window! You're so superficial, so transparent! I can see right through you! And you're all dirty and spotty too! You're just common sand!"

(ROFL!) You deserve a kiss for that one, come here.

Not exactly an enlightened question...

Do single-serving gravy packets exist? Like catsup or mustard, but gravy?

I have another idea! Wait, it already exists...

Get a load of this - a flatform gas can that turns into a container when you need it to. And it's disposable when you're done. Just be sure to rinse before you toss...

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Just a quick peek into my world...