Ok, Dumbass - here's what you do...

We use a lot of web-based tools at work, including MPK - a high-powered search engine for policies and procedures.

Last night I dreamt that I was using MPK to look up solutions to my personal flaws. The answers seemed so obvious as I read them, though the harsh language was a bit uncalled for.

I mean, I'm like, an important internal customer. Sniff!

My Colon is just fine, thanks. Peachy.

I'm not a hypochondriac, and I never get sick, but:

a) I have a cold right now.

I'm no wimp about being sick, so you can trust me when I say this:

b) My spine hurts. I may have sprained it by spending too much of my life sitting? Aren't we built to be hunting and gathering and adding to our butterfly collections?

I have a friend who likes to joke about calling off sick from work with the excuse "My colon hurts." I'm not very superstitious, but I'd never joke about something they seem so eager to probe with a camera at the end of a 30 foot cable.

As for the spine hurting thing, it's just good I'm not a patient of Dr. House, or I'd be in the midst of a simultaneous MRI/Lumbar Puncture right about now.

Lost for a reason?

From the lost gospel of Bobediah:

Accursed are the whiners, yea verily. How I long to smite them!

Smite!Smite!Smite! with the big stick, which then turns into a cobra and envenoms them all but good. HA! Fuckers.

~~~~~

Whining should not be confused with venting, which is totally appropriate in the right environment. If I could teach my kids one thing, it would be that 90% of everything that goes wrong in their lives is their own damn fault.

Too Much Nothing!

Somehow, even though I just started work less than a month ago, I had 4 days off from work for the Thanksgiving holiday.

It feels like 3 days too many. Now I have no desire to so much as get dressed. This might be an issue, since 'casual days' ended on Friday.

Little Known Fact

I was born the day after Michaelmas. True story.

Happy Bird Devouring Day!

Silly Human!

I caught myself trying to decide on a beverage to accompany my breakfast slice of pumpkin pie - 2% milk or egg nog.

How ridiculous is that?

They've Never Wintered in Ohio. Clearly.

It's 52 degrees here in Central Florida right now... I love it. Cindy had told me that the temp wasn't 95 year round here, but I refused to believe her. I figured it was just part of her ploy to get me to move cross country.

(Like "Free Video Card Tuesdays" at Best Buy. Can't believe I fell for her fiendish lies on that one.)

Of course, all the natives hate this 'cold' weather, (wimps!) but I just keep thinking about how I'll spend the money I'm not blowing on air conditioning.

Cause it wasn't funny

Last week I met someone who claimed to be The Devil.

"You seemed taller in all those woodcuts." I said.

No one laughed.

Boo doo dee!

We're sorry, but you first must dial a '1' when calling this number.

Please hang up and try your call again.

Sure, we could add the '1' for you, but then you'd never learn.

Real Life Conversation # 10

Him: Okay Babe, I gotta run. Another day, another dollar.

Her: Hugs! (arms open wide in toddleresque cuddle expectation)

Him: Hugs! ...Wait, are you covered in cat hair?

Her: (coy) A bit.

He Waits for the Girls-Gone-Wild-Style-Shirt-Raising.

(They Hug)

Her: What, no appreciation for the boobage?

Him: (robotically) I am in work mode. No such thing as boobage at work.

Her: Good answer! Remember that! Have a good day at work, Drone 2471.

Him: Roger Roger.

DUH

Reports from Japan describe the PlayStation 3's diabolical hunger for small pets, especially ferrets.

Really, who buys the first launch of a video game console? They catch on fire, scratch your DVDs, and whizz in your sock drawer when you're not looking.

.

*Wait at least a year to buy a console, people! That way, other suckers have suffered through all the hardware issues. If you just gotta try one out, rent the console.

~~~~~

*Unless it's a Nintendo. Those dudes really have their shit together. Unfortunately, almost no one will make games for the Nintendo - but isn't a new Zelda worth buying a console? Of course it is.

The Latest in Fall Fashions

Yes, I look Maaahvelous Daahling.

Yes! Yes! You Dirty Girl!

Pepperidge Farm Chili & Cornbread Pot Pie is one of the best things you'll ever remove from your oven and devour with a savory glee much too close friends with that thing called lust.
.

It's F'ing delicious, that's what it is.

Go buy yourself some right this instant. I'll wait here. GO!

"Book em, Lou!"

Where is Billy Ocean?

.

Where did he go?

.

Why?
.
You don't just unleash hits like "Loverboy" and "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" and then vanish.

I suspect foul play. I suspect Rick Astley.

SQUIRT!

We use these little cheap squirtguns that we bought at the grocery store to discipline the cat. Where a "No no!" doesn't work, a quick SQUIRT gets the point across right away.

Would it be wrong to take it to work and use it on my coworkers?

Those people who love to whisper during the tests, or email jokes while we're supposed to be studying?

SQUIRT!

Soo doo what now?

At work, we're allowed to pick a pseudonym if we don't want to use our real name when dealing with customers - this doesn't mean we can use a different name each time - the name must be approved, noted by management, and you must use it consistently.

I'm fine with my first name, but my very simple last name is too tricky for most people - they get confused, stumble, and assume there's a silent Q in there somewhere. Most folks usually pronounce it as "Kur-Lick-Oh".

I'm thinking about a nice and easy one syllable pseudonym surname. Something like *Mahasamatman.

~~~~

*10 Points to whoever can tell me the source of this name.

Whaa?

I completely forgot to blog on Tuesday! How is this possible?

.

A bit of historical insight

I had yesterday off, which meant it was a perfect day for many hours spent NaNoWriMo'ing. But I just wasn't in the mood to sit at my desk for hours on end.

Instead, I scrubbed the whole house from top to bottom, washed linens and towels, shined my shoes, cleaned out my closet, (and would have cleared out the garage, if only we had one).

So - in answer to all the anthropologists still wondering about the cultures who are into megaliths - like pyramids, henges, Moai - there's a simple answer:

They were just procrastinating NaNoWriMo.

.

personalized greeting #16

Thank you for calling Etcher Wireless, where it's off the hook. Whaazaaaaap?

.

Billions will enter! Dozens will win!

It's the 1st Annual MC Etcher NaNoWriMo Character Name Contest!

Billions will enter! Dozens will win!

How to enter:

Comment on Etch-A-Sketch Attention Span between 2004 and 2006.

YES! You've already won! I'm using all your first names in my latest book. That's right Hector, I know your real name! Bwa ha ha ha!

All that's left is for you to decide if you want to be a good guy or a bad guy...

Good clean fun

Let's say your neighbor habitually leaves their keys hanging in their front door, the front door open, and you can hear them BS'ing and watching TV. Loudly.

Would it be wrong to borrow their keys, hide them somewhere outside, and send them on a fun treasure hunt to find them?

.