How was my weekend? Well...

Cindy managed to get herself into some trouble.


No, of course not! My good lady wife is always a law-abiding citizen.

Turns out, Cindy's sister Tammy is going into forensics. We all had a chance to get printed, it was fun. Apparently all my prints are typical except for my left pinkie, which has some more rare 'Accidental Whorl' action going on.

Forensics would be cool to study - but I don't know that I would want to do it as a job - calls at 3am to tag and bag a stiff might be fun the first couple times, but after that? Not so much.

Repeatworthy: The Wailin Jennys

Remember that fun Bluegrass music from 'O Brother, Where Art Thou'? The Wailin Jennys fit right in to that crowd, high quality, well-harmonized music that is folky without being whiny.

Check out The Wailin Jennys.

I've been listening to a lot of soothing, solace-giving music lately. Do I need soothing? Do I need solace? I guess so, cause this stuff hits the spot.

Nobel Prize, Please

I woke up and lie in bed, thinking about physics.

(I resort to a calculator for simple addition, so it's not that I'm a math whiz - just the result of too many documentaries.)

I was thinking over everything that physics doesn't know yet: What time is, why it's relative, and what is Dark Matter?

I realized a few things.

1) Time is the constant expansion of space-time in all directions.

2) Time is relative because at high speeds there's less friction when moving with the flow as opposed to barely moving. (Time = friction)

3) Pockets of Dark Matter are deformations in space-time, cosmic potholes filled with puddles of 'normal' matter, like galaxies.

If I knew how to write the formula for this, I'd be set.

No Sunbeam

Real Life Conversation #46

So what's your position there?

Well... Supposedly I'm a receptionist, but really I do everything - even payroll.

I see! So you're a 'Receptionista'!

Ha ha! You're weird.

3 Things

It doesn't seem to matter how early I get up, it's hard to be productive before 8am.

Hey, maybe I should get up at 7 from now on to work out and shower...

Have you noticed that scrolling through a drop-down menu on an iPhone makes a sound like a Geiger counter?

Finally!

I never manage to notice when my car is about to pass a milestone mileage - I always notice a few miles later, when the wow factor is long gone.

I've had the car two years, and put all these miles on driving 80 miles a day to Gainesville and back. Wheee.

Call Boart for all your drilling needs!

And I thought my name was bad.

Repeatworthy: The Weepies

Deb Talan and Steve Tannen had solo musical acts, then they met, got married, had a wee one, and became The Weepies.

It's mellow, well written, and has a good variety of instrumentation. The laid-back vibe never gets boring or tiresome. They don't take themselves too seriously, always a good trait in my book.

Check out this video.

True Story

As idly as if it were an MP3 player, he pulled out his gun and put it on the table along with his receipts and cash for the day.

"Yeah man, I don't take any chances. I used to carry a Luger, but this is a lot lighter."

It was a small gun, and almost looked like a toy.

"Yeah man, they dragged Bob in the back there, duct taped his hands and pistol-whipped him."

"Jeez, some of these neighborhoods you work in!"

"No man, this was here. Your office. They came right in here."

"..." Blink. "...We don't even have a safe back here. Why? For the 20 bucks in his wallet?"

"Aw, man, you know, I think it was an inside job." He paused to let that soak in. "These days, everybody needs to carry a piece."

"I guess so. The things they don't tell you at the interview, huh?"

"Ha ha! Yeah man!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Note: This was re-posted from 2007. I had set it to a 'draft' status after it was posted for some reason, and I decided to put it back up.

Is There a Doctor in the House?

Let's say you have world-class pee-holding abilities, and don't 'go' for 8 hours or more.

If you had a lot of caffeine early in the day, but then did not 'go' for many hours after...

Can what's left of the caffeine in your urine, in the bladder, affect you even in a small way as if it were newly ingested caffeine?

My vote is "no", but I'm not a doctor.

Thoughts?

Gin and Tintonic Ice Cube Tray

How cool is this??


You can buy this and other cool things here.

Trunk Frog!

I have no idea how he got in my trunk... He hopped away unharmed, after peeing ferociously in my direction.

Stasis and Statute of Limitations

At some point, we'll develop the ability to put humans in stasis, where little or no time passes for the person in the box. How will this effect laws regarding statutes of limitations for crimes?

For example, the statute of limitations for bank robbery is 5 years. What say I pull off an extremely lucky or well-informed score, and steal 5 million dollars?

On foot, I slip through back alleys a just a few short blocks from the bank, where I head into a public storage facility and to a very small storage locker that's rented under a fake, untraceable name. I would not rent years in advance, that might attract suspicion - it's a month-to-month rental, connected to automatically debit a bank account also not in my name with plenty of cash to allow for rental increases.

I stuff the 5 million into the stasis pod I've installed in the storage locker, and climb in with it. I close the door, and ding! When I step out, it's 5 years and 1 day later and I am 5 million dollars richer.

Of course, there are already reasons the statute might not apply: 'Acts During Which Statute Does Not Run - Continually absent from state, no reasonably ascertainable work or abode in state: maximum extension 3 yrs.'

Does stasis count as 'absent'? You're pretty much on life support, possibly in a very legally definable way - and people on life-support should be pretty easy to find, right?

You're definitely not working, although I suppose you could arrange to be on retainer as a consultant, or being paid to research a book detailing the effects of stasis on the body and psyche.

'Abode' - is this a residence you're paying for? Does public storage count? Oh, sorry Mr. Bank Robber, this area is not zoned for residential.

There's also something called 'tolling' where the time limits on the statute of limitations have been suspended. When you go into the stasis pod, you'd have no way of knowing when would be a good time to defrost yourself - changes in laws might mean the whole 'wait out the statute of limitations in stasis' was a waste of time.

You could have the stasis pod connected to the internet, and have a smart program watch for a legal notice posted that it's safe to rouse you, or 10 years, whichever came first.

'Beyond Yesterday's Failed Dreams'

I watch a lot of Science Channel, Discovery, History, Nat Geo, and the like.

Recently our cable company added a feature I've been wishing for - the date a program first aired. Not all programs are displaying the date, but the majority are.

"Hey, 'Volcano's: Sleeping Dragons' is coming on at eight. I wonder if I've seen that?"

I've watched many hours of volcano-related programming, and usually spout factoids before the program I'm watching can spout them. Same goes for documentaries on space, oceans, history, animals, plants, and so on. (This isn't to say I'm an expert on anything any more than I can sing all the words to a song while the song is not playing - I need the context to prompt me.)

The original air date is a great way to tell if I've seen something - if it originally aired in 2004, you can pretty well bet I've seen it, or hated the narrator enough to pass. Either way, not something to bother with.

So - the original air date is useful information, but also demonstrates how dated some of the programming is. A volcano special from 2004 is probably acceptable to air, as not that much has changed in vulcanism in 5 years. Sure, we're using GPS more to track deformations, satellite imaging is more frequent, more sensitive gas sensors on the ground, etc - but a volcano is still a volcano.

What annoys me are 'Beyond Tomorrow' episodes from 2005 that are still airing today - this is a show about bleeding edge technology that's right around the corner. But there's something decidedly frustrating about watching a segment host say "...and these personal jet-packs will be available to the general public by early 2007".

I realize the networks are working on new programs all the time, and the need to air 24 hours a day means there will be many re-runs. In the case of Beyond Tomorrow, it would be a better use of the old footage to edit it down into a study of 'Where Are They Now?', revisit the same labs to get an update, and offer an analysis of what the result of the research and development was, for better or worse.

Repeatworthy: Neko Case

I've been listening to a lot of what I consider seems like 'old-fashioned country' which from my perspective is the 1970's, which I suppose is more like folk music than country music.

It's not about pickup trucks, cowboy hats, horses, and so it - it's about people. The lyrics, instruments and style are very accessible, and though they may have been powerfully engineered, rigorously produced and then thoroughly digitized, the songs do not feel that way. The songs feel "real".

Check out Neko Case, won't you? I don't love all her stuff, but the songs I do like, I like a lot:

Magpie to the Morning
Things That Scare Me
We've Never Met
Furnace Room Lullaby
Wayfaring Stranger

Tingly

I've had a tingly tickly wavery sensation right between my eyebrows for about a week now.

Self-diagnosis: Either I have a sinus infection or a tumor on my frontal lobe.

Hmm. No pain or discomfort, so it must be the frontal lobe. Mutant powers, I welcome you! Come on, teleportation! No whammies no whammies no whammies...

Nautical Foreplay

He's in the kitchen. Lurking. He leans quickly around the edge of the pass-through into the living room, catching a glimpse of her. What mirage, what siren song be this??

He grabs the paper towels and holds the nearly-empty tube to his eye.

"Ar! Pretty Girl Ho!" He calls out.

"?" says she.

"Ahoy, fair maiden!" He calls out.

"Ahoy?" She ventures cautiously.

"Prepare to be boarded!" He flings the paper towel tube to the winds, and dives headlong through the pass-through.

"Eep!" says she.

Ferret!

There aren't too many things in this world cuter than a ferret scampering around the office, its little bell janging away. We need a full-time office pet!

Sure, it pooped in my cubicle (really) but hey, it was denied a litter box.

3 Things

At its correct temperature, ice cream is colder than ice, and ice can actually be a problem, if it builds up too much... and will wick coldness out of the ice cream.

To eat a popsicle with its stick broken off, you flip it upside down and open the bottom. Push the popsicle up a bit, so you're actually holding it by the pinched portion of the wrapper to minimize meltage. Nibble the popsicle goodness away from the stick until there is enough stick to hold the popsicle normally.

Ice cream actually factually makes people happy, but running out makes them angry.

Real Life Conversation #45

Why do people have to be so damned annoying?

Have you considered the possibility that you take yourself too seriously?

Eff you! No me talks to myself that way.

(Sigh) I rest my case.

More green is not always good

There's been road construction on my way to work over the past few months - there were some small sinkholes (Florida = swamp) that were filled in, which promptly collapsed again and were clumsily patched, then the entire road surface, curb and sidewalk were replaced along a 100 foot long stretch of road.

Great!

What's not great is for some reason, the builders saw fit to put a 1-foot-wide strip of grass between the curb and the sidewalk, which does nothing but look shabby and require constant maintenance. (Requires, not 'receives')


I'm not expecting marble tile or anything, but would another 12 inches of sidewalk been so difficult to accomplish? Hell you can even paint the cement green if you like. Astroturf, anything - but why add another 100 feet that need mowing or edging?

Repeatworthy: Kris Delmhorst

"With a name like 'Delmhorst', you know it must be good!"

She sneakily, conspiratorially insinuates her emotional goal into your psyche. It's a bit unnerving at first, but soon you come to like it, need it, DEMAND IT.

The current song I love to repeat by Kris is 'If Not for Love'. Check it out. It's best on headphones, it feels as if she's whispering just to you personally.

From the Scrolls of Fakus Guyus

"A ripe kiwi fruit should be firm, but slightly yielding, like a good hard cock." Fakus Guyus

The writings of Fakus were blacklisted for over 1000 years... It's easy to see why.

Guest Post By Cindy

Truth be told, I feel a little awkward each time I use the flip top on my dental floss, a misplaced sense of guilt despite the fact the product inside is designed to promote health, not cancer. Although, come to think of it, didn't 'they' try to promote cigarettes as healthy?

Beware the dental floss.

Regardless, I'd feel very conspicuous indeed, flipping open Tolstoy on an airplane.

Freeway Snaps #11

Actually. For Real. In Fact.

I've been running job searches using Indeed.com lately, and they have a feature that I have not seen on other job search sites - you can type in quite a few keywords to exclude. Finally!
I was on the phone with XM last night, waiting on hold to cancel my subscription, and I just kept searching and excluding words until the keyword field filled up - it actually accepted a lot more words than you would expect.

Here's my list of exclusions - it takes a list of 1,254 jobs and turns it into a list of 313. The list isn't as streamlined as I would like - it only works on whole words, so if I want to exclude 'Sales Opportunity' and 'Salesman', I have to use each term separately - but it's still a good feature.

telemarket lube sale society labor shands machinist server spray clinical cheese truck marketing patroller underwriting underwriter OB GYN execution tax mechanic satellite installation scientist pharmacist electrician groomer orthopaedic choir urology pathologist therapist therapy pepsi installer babysitter officer goodwill account sitter nanny ironworker jiffy rehab pizza kmart army oDesk RN licensed certified avon steak spanish nurse

Juiced

There's something almost carnal about two cars, roughly nose to nose, their hoods open and spread wide, engines naked and exposed, swapping sparks.

Apply Now! Before it's too late!

Temporary Full Time Airport Operations Tech Intern

Prestige Consultant

Spray Assistant

Bike Assembler - Toys R Us

Life Enrichment Director

Wound Nurse $5000 sign on bonus!

Cheese Specialist

Urology Opportunity

Furniture Sales Person / Designer

Merchandising Execution Manager

Coordinator, Planetarium

Easygoing 1-Year-Old Toddler Needs Loving Nanny

Certified Tumor Registrar

Humans are So Damn Cool

Humans get a bad rap for:

a) Warming the planet (don't worry, the planet will be just fine - we humans might not be)

b) Polluting the planet (the microbes that live on toxic sludge and radioactivity say 'Yum!' and might just evolve into the latest, kick-ass world-dominating life form)

c) A few thousand other things.

But humans are still pretty damn cool. If we survive long enough to grow up, we'll fix our mistakes, I have no doubt.

Here's a good example why HaSDC.

Repeatworthy: Cowboy Junkies

'Sweet Jane' just played on my Pandora, reminding me what sweet background noise is 'Cowboy Junkies'

They sound like something out of the more distant past than they are - and I mean that in a good way. If you like Natalie Merchant, you'll probably like CB. If not, what'samatta you?

Check em out.

Amused Grunt?

You know that sound people make when something is intended to be funny, but isn't funny, but those same people want to acknowledge the fact that they understand that it is intended to be funny (but in fact, is not funny)?

Is there a word for that? 'Amused Grunt' kind of captures it, but leaves out the fact that the failed intended funnyism...isn't.

Pseudo Amused Grunt?
False Chuckle?
Pho Chuckle?

Help me out here.

Anyway - once we define the term, I have a contribution:

"As wrong as a bee drunk on mead!"

Yep, I'm so darn funny that I just made that up. It has the added benefit of being suitable for use in historical works.