Zero To Sixty in 09876 Pixels

I love the internet.

I have a big woody for the internet, and not just the porn sites. The internet is everything I dreamed of as a kid, reading sci-fi and thinking ahead to the days when every book, fact, idea, or opinion could be found in a vast computer treasure trove.

We're not quite there yet, but pretty damned close. I think back to my youth and all those wasted trips to the library, looking for that book on Ecuador to do my report, only to discover that all books on Ecuador were checked out. No longer a problem! Millions of details about Ecuador are now tingling with anticipation, just waiting for me to type the place name into a search engine.

It's a time of instant gratification when it comes to information, which sadly means that I do less time wondering, pondering, mulling over a fact. I just wonder, I type, I read. But that's another post.

I do some dabbling in web design, nothing beyond FrontPage, sadly. And the thing that frustrates me most about the internet is how relative it is.

Relative in an Einsteinian kind of way. (I just checked online to verify the spelling of Einstein).

Depending on the computer you're using and any number of settings and adjustments and variations in your OS (operating system, such as Win98, XP, Max OSX etc) and browser (Explorer, AOL, Firefox etc), the web can vary greatly in appearance and content.

...I'm a big freak, and you'll soon learn the full extent of my psychosis...

Now let's twist this into a real world analogy (should "real world" be hyphenated? I'm sure I could find out online, but I don't care enough) and compare 'The Internet' to 'A New Car'.

You're the dealership, and you're sizing up one uber-honey of a sportscar. It's a convertible, it's Do Me Now Red that screams "Bling Bling, Bitches! This Mack Daddy is a Player! Come Get Some!"

Who doesn't want that?

The salesman spots you peeking in the car's window and he ambles over.

He describes the engine CC's and the Zero to 60 and the Car and Driver acclaim and the girl attraction factors...

But then he has to admit (due to state law) that not everyone will see the same car you do.

Depending on OS and browser settings, some people will see you drive by in a minivan. It's an off-putting, rusty, puke green model, with brown wood paneling on the sides.

Oh, and that "PLAYER" personalized plate, surrounded by diamonds - well due to certain screen resolutions, most people will only see the first two letters - "PL"

And if they lack the license plate font, they may see webdings (a series of wacky symbols).

Depending on Parental Filters, kids won't see your license plate at all, it will be blurred out completely.

People using a foreign language OS will read a poorly auto-translated version of your license plate, that reads:
"I am a Sport-Fisherman and Love Bass"

And if you happen to be driving through Idaho, your car will be yellow. And it will appear to be a blah 4-Door Buick, did we mention that?

Oh! And if you're driving through Atlanta, people will simply see a white box with a little red X in the top left corner, instead of a $100,000 sportscar. Sorry.

Now obviously the majority of corporate sites are programmed by - well, programmers, and they know how to adjust for many variations. Most people won't have an issue, but there will still be differences.

For those layman like me using FrontPage as a crutch, we're doomed to design and display crappy sites that vary greatly by viewer.

Since I'm very particular about my layout (probably doesn't show, but I am) this peeves me greatly. So far, not greatly enough to try to master the five or more programming languages necessary to even begin to overcome this issue, however.

Even in Blogger I have annoyances. On my laptop, when I use italics and certain fonts in writing or viewing a post, they look amazing and crisp. On my work computer, or other PC's, the fonts and styles look like ass.

I have a lot of little hangups when it comes to text, such as I can't stand it when one word is all by itself, on a new line. Like in a paragraph, and the text wraps to the next line to display the last word in a sentence and it's alone on that line. I will rewrite entire paragraphs if I have to, and avoid this problem.

But on your computer, with your settings, you're still seeing one word alone on a line. Your settings are different. I can't effect your settings and this kills me.

I guess I could just say, at the top of every post,
"If you don't have 32 Bit Color Enabled, 1152x864 or higher screen resolution, MS Explorer version 6.0.2800.1106 or newer, or have Trebuchet MS as an installed font, please don't read this."

"PS: View on 'Text Size Medium', thank you."