No Goodbye?

Going to the Dentist is an odd experience. A lot of people hate to go, despise the whole process and avoid it like the plague. I don't mind going, especially if the Dentist and his people are nice folks. The office we go to has the nicest group of dental professionals I've ever seen - and I've been to a lot of dentists. It's a small practice and my Dentist is a good guy, newly a Grandpa.
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It's an odd experience. The Dentist is practically holding your head in his lap, drilling and probing and working in a very personal way inside your body. He can be toiling away in close proximity to you for twenty minutes at a time. You're swapping body heat, you can smell his cologne and he can smell yours...And then they stuff some blood-absorbent sponges in your mouth, tell you to bite down, and they breeze out of the room like it aint no thing.
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Feels like you were abandoned, somehow.

Really Real Conspiracy Theories

The CIA totally stole my short term memory.
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That guy that almost ran me over with a bicycle as I was just about to ask Rachel Viancotti to the prom – that was myself from the future – and it’s a good thing because she killed her date that night with a fillet knife. Unless that was me too. (Eyes wide)
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The CIA totally stole my short term memory.
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I once found my picture on a milk carton, but decided it was better that I not get involved. Okay, more involved. All right I admit that one’s not a theory, it’s a sad fact of life.
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The CIA totally stole my short term memory.
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Boris Yeltsin was directly responsible for the untimely cancellation of Darkwing Duck, and I still have the audio tapes to prove it. Don’t even try it Boris, they’re in a very very safe place.
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The CIA totally stole my short term memory.

Credi-Bull #9

Credi-Bull - a news item that might be fact, or might be fiction.

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Jay Jacobson, once a renowned cult deprogrammer from Flagstaff, Arizona has recently been charged with brainwashing in a case currently pending at the State Appeals Court.

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It seems that Jacobson, now 53 - has 'found religion' after over thirty years of agnosticism. The case is focused on the fact that the religion that Jacobson found was itself considered a cult group - The Holy Children of the Immaculate Perception.

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In a case that may end up at the U.S. Supreme Court, Jacobson is being tried for 'brainwashing' 127 college students from nearby Northern Arizona University, convincing them to sell their worldly possessions and join THCIP. "It was never a problem when I was helping people find Jesus." Jacobson claimed in a statement on Tuesday.

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Real or Fake?
(Vote in the 'comments' section, answer to be revealed Monday).
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Visit Credi-Bull Central to read the past stories you may have missed!

Those Big Scary Guys

I wonder if Google is trying to have a subliminal impact on my movie viewing choices? Sure, the spelling is wrong, but...
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Wanna Hit?

I have some sinus issues, which means I very often have drainage going on in the back-of-the-throat area. (Lovely image, I know). The aforementioned goo gives me a nasty taste in my mouth and needless to say, bad breath.
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As a treatment, I pop Altoids (Thank You So Much, Great Britain!) very often. They are yummy and they scrub my breath nicely. But can I just go on like this, popping Altoids like a fiend with a drug habit? I once considered saving the tins and eventually building a house of out them.

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Perhaps I should get examined, have a surgeon drill my sinus channels a bit larger or some such. Or get a liquid Altoids drip installed - like an IV, but from a beer-hat like contraption.

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Hmn, it would be a conversation-starter, anyway.

Fo Shizzle Mah Bizzle!

This is old news, but I thought it was worth sharing with you - Gizoogle.com is a translation web site that parodies Google's foreign language translation applications.
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Take some perfectly innocuous text, like so:
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"Please join us on Sunday, February 26 for The Fifty-Third Annual 1st Methodist Church Pic-Nic and Bake Sale. We're trying to earn money for the new roof of the rectory, as the recent storm has wrecked havok on the shingles. Ophelia Brown will be serving her famous Oatmeal Date Cookies, and supplies won't last long - arrive early for your best chance to buy a batch!"
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And feed it into the Gizooglator...
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"Be jizzy us on Sunday, Febary 26 fo` The Fiddy-Tird Anal 1st Mefodist Church Pic-Nic n Bakes Sale, Playahs! Its just anotha homocide. We're trippin' ta earn money fo` tha new gangsta hat of tha rectory, as tha Big Man Upstairs done tore it up like your momma beats you and you like it on tha shingles. Ophelia Brown wizzle be gang bangin' her famous Oatmeal Date Cookie-Mookies, n da trunkload wizzon't last - getcher ass up and roll out early fo` yo biznest chance ta buy a biznatch!"
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Hours of fun.

Buy! Buy! Buy!

You may be familiar with blogshares.com, a fantasy stock market site for blogs. You can buy, sell and trade shares of practically any blog. It's entertaining, but I can't help thinking that it would be more fun if there was actual money involved.

It would be more exciting to improve my own blog (create an attractive template, write while sober, and perhaps even spell check now and then) if it might actually turn into profit - and it would be a thrill to see my favorite blogs rocket to the top, taking their stock prices and my dividends right along with them.

Maybe we should all pool our resources and start a real Blog Stock Exchange? Wish I coulda bought Dooce when it was still at $20.

WITFITS: 431 / VICARIOUS LIVING 4.71 / ETCH-A-SKETCH ATTENTION SPAN 1.31 / LIFE, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? 75.01 / SQUIRRLEYMOJO 1.41 / INVISIBLE LIZARD'S UNUSUAL ORANGES 27.40 / SUNNY SAYS 1.45 / CAKESNIFFERS BEWARE! 69.76 /

Credi-Bull #8

Credi-Bull - a news item that might be fact, or might be fiction.

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Grigori Rasputin was a Russian mystic who was embroiled in the politics of the 1800's and played a controversial role in the lives of Tsar Nicholas II and his wife Tsarina Alexandra.

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Rasputin is often called the Mad Monk, although he was never a monk and was married. He was believed to have been a psychic and faith healer, and led a scandalous life with his mostly female followers, was frequently

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seen picking up prostitutes and drinking himself into a stupor.

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He was later murdered by a group of Russian nobles and has since been portrayed by Christopher Lloyd in the animated feature Anastasia.

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More recently - despite his questionable history there is a division within the Russian Orthodox Church over a campaign to canonise Rasputin, with the eventual goal of making him a Saint.

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Real or Fake?

(Vote in the 'comments' section, answer to be revealed Monday).

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Visit Credi-Bull Central to read the past stories you may have missed!

Yeeeaaaah...

So - Stuff happened today, as stuff is wont to do. Nothing bad, just stuff. Things. The bread was right there, man. And peanut butter.

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And YES...DAMN IT, there was jelly, and that's all I'm gonna say. Instances of occurrences did their entropic thing, and Cause like, totally led to Effect.

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You know how it goes.
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And here I am, typing away writing a post. Trying to make something that happened today seem witty, examine something ordinary from a clever angle. Like we all do.
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Yup.

Launch - Like Brunch, But No Mimosa

I've had an account with Launch.com (internet radio) for a good six years now, and I've used it on and off at work since I got the account. I have the free version, which means I have to put up with commercials, but it's worth it. Or, it used to be.
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Lately the commercials have gotten really repetitive, which is annoying enough, but they also don't apply to me. The frustrating thing is, Launch knows my settings and preferences, so I shouldn't be hearing the commercials that are playing, ad nausea. (sic)
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"Hey there, Chief - you really should rate songs, it rocks, and helps us play the music you like!" (I DO - According to the rating tool, I'm not just a fan, I'm a zealot).
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"Yo Yo Brotha! You really should create your own customized Launch Radio Station, they're like supa dupa fly!" (I DID, five years ago, and I'm listening to it right now, dipshit).
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"What up, HomeDog? You should mark the songs you don't like as 'Never Play Again, so we won't! Word!" (I DO, constantly, but you don't listen).
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The annoying thing is, the web site knows all this information. They could be playing ads for something I might actually buy. It's a waste of their time and mine.
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Can anyone recommend a better internet radio site?

Send Help, I've officially lost it: (PG-13)

I've been using Gmail for about five months now, and I have a number of categories to help organize my random stuffs. I have a 'Story Ideas' category, and if something comes to me while I'm at work, I'll send myself a quick email to save it.

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I was going over the 'Story Ideas' from October 2005, when I came across a very cryptic entry which I'm unable to decipher. This is a problem, because if I don't know what it means, who could?

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This is the entirety of the email, and I have to say I'm at a total loss. Is it four different ideas or one bizarre story concept? Here it is:

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"person in psyche ward, word of the day, guy comes on shins, foot sex"

Eventually...

You may have heard of NaNoWriMo - where contestants do their darndest to write 50,000 words worth of a novel within just thirty days, at an average of 1666.66 words per day.
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It’s no small task, it’s damned hard work and I’m actually flabbergasted that I managed it. I fear that the quality suffered, doing that much rushing. Actually, I think the goal is a bit too large. Why not two months? That’s an average of 833.33 words per day, which seems a lot more do-able. Quality would probably improve too.
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But why stop there? While we’re tweaking the formula, lets make it a full on 150,000 word novel written in 300 days. Yeah, that’s almost a year, but at least you could look at that year and say, “I wrote a book!” even if you accomplished nothing else. That’s only 500 words a day, which almost anyone can find time for – Hell, this post itself totals 175 words!
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The name of the contest needs some work though, to emphasize the changes – How bout MegaWriSlow?

Credi-Bull #7

Credi-Bull - a news item that might be fact, or might be fiction.
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The world's most dangerous ink-jet printer cartridge has been developed by some close friends of the British MOD Squad. The ink is stable while a liquid, but once printed on paper, forms an explosive fuse when dry.

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The developers suggest such uses as precison fireworks, triggering vehicle air bags or for conventional high explosives. Theoretically, an array of these ink-and-paper fuses could form a miniature rocket engine useful for adjusting the position of spacecraft in orbit.

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Real or Fake?
(Vote in the 'comments' section, answer to be revealed Monday)
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Visit Credi-Bull Central to read the past stories you may have missed!

Simon Sez Get Freaky!

I had to head to work early this morning, and the sun wasn't up yet. Going to work in the dark is kinda gloomy and depressing. Yes, during my time in California I have become a definite sun-addict.

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I was heading north, and one of the cars in the southbound lane did this little flashy-flashy thing with their headlights as they passed me. I glanced down to make sure my brights weren't on, and they weren't, so OK then.

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Another southbound car did a flicker flash also, this time with the hazard lights flashing once. What the hell? Is there a cop up ahead? A jet of fire coming out of my tailpipe? Am I speeding towards a giant crater?

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My Dad, salt of the earth that he is, would have known what those flicker-nod-and-a-winks meant, those streetwise signals that only time and wisdom can teach us.

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But in Los Angeles, one never knows. They could have been car-sex-fetishists enthusiastically propositioning me - and being a geeky male, I completely missed the signals. We usually do.

House MD - The Drinking Game!

After a few weeks of no new episodes, Tonight House MD debuted with some fresh footage at long last.

If you haven't seen it, it's a medical mystery show, and every week the team does their damnedest to kill the patient right up until the last second, when they finally decide on the right treatment. It's very formulaic, but the main character Gregory House is a real ass, which makes it entertaining to watch for some reason.

But the real reason that we like House is the drinking game we invented!

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House MD - The Drinking Game!

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Intubate ---------------------- Take 1 Shot

Patient has a Seizure---------Take 1 Shot

An MRI is performed----------Eat an olive

House takes a pain pill--------Take 2 Shots

Crash Cart!---------------------Body Shot

Patient Tells a Lie--------------Snifter of Brandy

House Tells a Lie--------------Take 1 Shot

Blood Clot----------------------Beer Bong

Breaking and Entering--------Martini

Stroke--------------------------Jello Shot

Tracheotomy-------------------Pina Colada

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Tonight's the Night, Baby!

For Christmas, along with the other very cool gifts Cindy got me, I received some very cool chore-barter coupons. One of them is for "1 Night of Free Gym Bag Packing" which I have been reluctant to redeem, since it's such an arduous chore. I hate packing the bag so much, I don't want her to have to do it.

But the coupon is nearing its expiration date, so what else could I do? Tonight's the night, baby!

Tempus Fugit

Did you folks hear about The Time Traveler Convention held at MIT this past May? "You only need one", according to the web site. Oddly, they limited the number of people who could attend, which seems short-sighted. Come on MIT, I mean really.

Even folks who aren't into Sci-Fi have watched or read a scene about time travel. In these stories, the intrepid time traveler rushes up to someone and cries out "What year is it?".

The non-traveler frowns, pulls back and slowly mutters something like "Uh... 2006?".

At this, the time traveler jumps up into the air, waving their arms and yelling "It worked!", then dashes off down the street, leaving the non-traveler shaking their head at the crazy person.

OK - listen up - If you meet a time traveler, befriend them!

Don't let them run off down the street. They're in a strange epoch, and they probably have time-lag. Take them in, give them some soup, some bourbon, whatever they want. At some point, they'll relax, and you can steal their cybernetic implants. Or, I guess you might learn something about the future. You know, whatever.

I'd like to invite any time-travelers to come by and crash at our crib. Like a time-traveler hostel. Be sure to bring your Official TTH Card.

Credi-Bull #6

Credi-Bull - a news item that might be fact, or might be fiction.

Today's installment comes with a picture - (just think of it as a video Daily Double, for those Jeopardy fans out there...)

Smokey Robinson, a member of Motown group 'The Miracles' and a solo artist, Robinson recorded seventy Top 40 hits for Motown between 1959 and 1990, and also served as the company's vice-president from 1961 to 1988.

A little known fact about Mr. Robinson is that he also offers a great array of soulful and scrumptious food products, including the Culinary Hits "Down Home Pot Roast", "Chicken & Sausage Gumbo", and "Red Beans & Rice".

Just like the Grammy Living Legend’s music, it is soulful and delicious!

Real or Fake?
(Vote in the 'comments' section, answer to be revealed Monday)

Visit Credi-Bull Central to read the past stories you may have missed!

I'd like to thank the Jedi Academy

It's finally happened. I didn't ask for this, all right? I didn't even think about it. Well, I did think about it a little bit. I guess in the end it's all my fault.

There was no ceremony, no crowds, red carpet, cheering or jeering. When I left the house this morning, the mantel was bare except for some dust bunnies and a broken rubber band...And an ominous dark glow, as from a teeny black hole.

When I got home, IT had fully manifested itself. It was even thoroughly dusty and green around the edges.

Yes, I've received the uncoveted, unsought, unwanted Decently Adequate Blogging award. The little engraving reads "That's quite enough out of you, thank you very much". It's a cursed brass relic - if you try to give it away or trash it, it reappears on your mantel the very next day. Until you forget about it, when it finds its next victim. I hope it's you.

Credi-Bull - Real or Fake?

This one is fake!

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Thanks for playing folks!

My Sister Sam is Dead

"Dancing With the Stars, Bah! Skating with Celebrities, Pheh! That's fluff worthy only for the networks. We're CABLE, dammit. We're HB fuckin O! We toe the line, we take it to the edge, we go too far. We are the makers of fashion, Kate."

"Who's Kate?"

"Never mind, forget it. We've got to take the Reality Celebrity Sports medium where it's never been before. I'm talking asses in seats, I'm talking fatalities, I'm talking Ice Climbing With the Stars."

"Uh, Sir..."

"Shut your corn hole! I'm on a roll here. Ice Climbing With the Stars, Yeah! We won't need voting or scores to eliminate the losers, they'll fall to their brutal, painful, technicolor deaths. HooHaa! Blood on the snow baby! Red on white! That's some award-winning contrast, Bitches. And the winners get a starring role in the next Spielberg flick. They'll be clawing each others eyes out for the opportunity, heh heh!"

"Spielberg? Uh..."

"Myron Spielberg, my cousin. Works for The Hallmark Channel. But contestants won't know that until it's too late. Just picture it, Meredith Baxter Birney, fighting her way tooth and nail up a sheer ice face, kicking shards of snow into Phylicia Rashad's face, and they're both dodging the jagged icicles Kirstie Alley is flinging down at them. Damn that's good television."