"Dancing With the Stars, Bah! Skating with Celebrities, Pheh! That's fluff worthy only for the networks. We're CABLE, dammit. We're HB fuckin O! We toe the line, we take it to the edge, we go too far. We are the makers of fashion, Kate." "Who's Kate?"
"Never mind, forget it. We've got to take the Reality Celebrity Sports medium where it's never been before. I'm talking asses in seats, I'm talking fatalities, I'm talking Ice Climbing With the Stars."
"Uh, Sir..."
"Shut your corn hole! I'm on a roll here. Ice Climbing With the Stars, Yeah! We won't need voting or scores to eliminate the losers, they'll fall to their brutal, painful, technicolor deaths. HooHaa! Blood on the snow baby! Red on white! That's some award-winning contrast, Bitches. And the winners get a starring role in the next Spielberg flick. They'll be clawing each others eyes out for the opportunity, heh heh!"
"Spielberg? Uh..."
"Myron Spielberg, my cousin. Works for The Hallmark Channel. But contestants won't know that until it's too late. Just picture it, Meredith Baxter Birney, fighting her way tooth and nail up a sheer ice face, kicking shards of snow into Phylicia Rashad's face, and they're both dodging the jagged icicles Kirstie Alley is flinging down at them. Damn that's good television."
I'd watch. It's sick and disturbing to admit, but I would. What music would they play tho?
ReplyDeleteAnd how wrong is your title? Do James Collier and Rebecca Schaeffer deserve to be punchlines? No, but hey, way to use those memory banks, and the random correlation!
Throw in Flava Flav and I'm sold.
ReplyDeletedid etch just say HB fuckin O?
ReplyDeleteBetter still, how about "Kicking the ever living shit out of Flava Flav, with the stars."
ReplyDeleteHell, I'd watch it...over, and over, and over, and over...
You've been staying up late and drinking turpentine again, haven't you.
ReplyDelete