The Public Address System and You

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Attention Corporate Types:
If you have a business where consumers, patrons, guests, etc visit your location in person, and you make use of a public address system (speakers that let you bark random thoughts to the world) allow me to make a brilliant observation that should have been clear to all of you since birth:

ALL MESSAGES should be recorded in a professional studio by professional message readers.

Your staff members cannot be trusted to communicate to the populace or working associates over the speaker system. If "Electronics has a call on Line 2" or there's a "Cleanup in Aisle 4" or "All Departments Should Now Collect their GoBacks from The Front" or "We Will Be Closing in 5 Minutes" or "Someone In The Parking Lot Left Their Lights On" or "Please Wipe Your Sweat Off The Exercise Machines" or "We Will Be Closed for Easter"...

ALL MESSAGES should be recorded in a professional studio by professional message readers.

The joe schmoe at the desk or register or receiving dock is not a professional speaker, and should not be impacting the message that millions of patrons hear during every day.

ALL MESSAGES should be recorded in a professional studio by professional message readers.

I assume that if a message is important enough to interrupt my shopping experience, it's vital for survival in some way and should be understandable.

It should not sound like the grownups in a Charlie Brown cartoon.

These corporations spend BILLIONS crafting their image in the minds of the public, and then they let Shanah Mae ramble into the PA:

"Awl BringUps naed ta - Hee Hee Hee - be baught ta da fruhnt." In a loud, nasal drawl as she giggles at Pedro, who is making faces at her, with twizzlers sticking out of his nose.

At least half the time, background music is playing over the announcement, and that makes it hard to understand.

The music must always be muted if a message is to play.

Most of the time, the announcing people talk too quickly. Because the speaker systems are in the ceiling and are being amplified, speaking too quickly creates distortion as the previous word echoes, blurring the next word.

Most of the time, the announcing people talk too loudly. They are trying to let the whole store hear them, and their conscious mind is informing their vocal cords that they'll need to Speak Up.

But no, they are being electronically amplified, so no Speaking Up is required. Talk in a normal, sotto voce level and tone, and we'll all understand you a lot better.

ALL MESSAGES should be recorded in a professional studio by professional message readers.

When it's 15 minutes till closing, the computer in the back of the store realizes the time, and automatically plays, in Kathleen Turner's sultry, sexy voice: "Hello My Beloved Target Shoppers. We're sorry to say, the store will be closing in fifteen minutes. We love you, but the floors need buffed some time."

The messaging itself could become a marketing ploy. People would show up at a store just to hear the new lines, by their favorite singer/actor. They'd visit the website to download the messages.

If a specific message needs to be played at a random time, "Cleanup in Aisle 4" then a worker picks up the phone or uses the computer to key in the appropriate code, and the message plays automatically.

Shanae Mae is a very efficient cashier, she's a sweetie and I adore her, but she has no business on the PA.

And if she just gots to talk at me over the speakers, please take fifteen minutes during training to teach her how to do it properly. Maybe have her watch a training video, "The Public Address System and You" or "How Not To Say Wah Warble Wah Wah Thank You" to all and sundry over the intercom.

Also, ALL MESSAGES should be recorded in a professional studio by professional message readers.

Thank you.