I'll be teaching a course this Fall, Humanities 2117, or
ROTJ: How Vader and the Emperor Fucked Up.
It's all about the approach.
In Return of the Jedi, Luke turns himself in to Empire forces because he's still not very good at shielding his mind from the enemy, and doesn't want to jeopardize the mission.
Vader delivers Luke to the Emperor, a frail, undead looking dude sitting on a throne in a cold empty room. Probably smells of Ben Gay, Old Spice, and fermented urine.
Emperor: "Hey, how about you be Evil with us?"
Luke: "Nah."
Emperor: "I'll kill your friends. Come on, be Evil."
Luke: "Nah."
You can see that the Emperor's approach was doomed from the start. Unlike the manipulation of Anakin over years, they find Luke one day and just start poking him with the 'Evil' stick.
Emperor: (whining) Commme Onnn! Be EEEvil!
Luke: (like, as if) "Um, no."
Cause, you know, killing your pals and becoming shriveled and undead (or hey, have most of your pieces replaced with bionic components) chilling alone in a cold dark smelly room is not very enticing.
Let's see what happens if the approach is adjusted. Let's romance Luke into appreciating The Dark Side.
The door to the throne room opens, and a warm and fragrant breeze wafts by. Luke is greeted at the door by two very sexy girls in floral print sarongs, and they take him arm-in-arm into the room.
They smell amazing, by the way.
They compliment his lightsaber. "Will you teach me how sometime, tee hee?"
The room is well-lit, built of a rosy marble adorned with bright banners. Children scamper and play in a nearby fountain that sprays up from the floor at entertaining intervals. A cheerful looking old man improvises brilliantly with a guitar.
We find the Emperor (call me Marty) in a striped pavilion tent, sitting on cushions on the floor. The girls begin to massage Luke as a third girl offers him a pita and some hummus.
The Emperor is an athletic man in his fifties, wearing a t-shirt and khaki shorts. He takes a long draw from a water pipe and lets it out in a long exhalation. He passes the pipe to Vader, who pops the helmet off to reveal a stunning woman in her 40's.
Luke: "Mom?"
Vader: "Hi Dear. Take a hit of this shit, it's amazing."
Luke is already feeling the contact buzz just being in the room.
Marty: "Now Luke, we need to talk. The Empire does a lot of good. Schools. Medicine. Women driving landspeeders. We abolished slavery on Tatooine. We're progressive. We're getting a bad rap. We need your help to turn that around."
I think this approach is a lot more likely to be effective. Romance your way in.
The US has a lot to learn about this.
US: (whining) Commme Onnn! Be Democratic!
It's all about the approach.
In Return of the Jedi, Luke turns himself in to Empire forces because he's still not very good at shielding his mind from the enemy, and doesn't want to jeopardize the mission.
Vader delivers Luke to the Emperor, a frail, undead looking dude sitting on a throne in a cold empty room. Probably smells of Ben Gay, Old Spice, and fermented urine.
Emperor: "Hey, how about you be Evil with us?"
Luke: "Nah."
Emperor: "I'll kill your friends. Come on, be Evil."
Luke: "Nah."
You can see that the Emperor's approach was doomed from the start. Unlike the manipulation of Anakin over years, they find Luke one day and just start poking him with the 'Evil' stick.
Emperor: (whining) Commme Onnn! Be EEEvil!
Luke: (like, as if) "Um, no."
Cause, you know, killing your pals and becoming shriveled and undead (or hey, have most of your pieces replaced with bionic components) chilling alone in a cold dark smelly room is not very enticing.
Let's see what happens if the approach is adjusted. Let's romance Luke into appreciating The Dark Side.
The door to the throne room opens, and a warm and fragrant breeze wafts by. Luke is greeted at the door by two very sexy girls in floral print sarongs, and they take him arm-in-arm into the room.
They smell amazing, by the way.
They compliment his lightsaber. "Will you teach me how sometime, tee hee?"
The room is well-lit, built of a rosy marble adorned with bright banners. Children scamper and play in a nearby fountain that sprays up from the floor at entertaining intervals. A cheerful looking old man improvises brilliantly with a guitar.
We find the Emperor (call me Marty) in a striped pavilion tent, sitting on cushions on the floor. The girls begin to massage Luke as a third girl offers him a pita and some hummus.
The Emperor is an athletic man in his fifties, wearing a t-shirt and khaki shorts. He takes a long draw from a water pipe and lets it out in a long exhalation. He passes the pipe to Vader, who pops the helmet off to reveal a stunning woman in her 40's.
Luke: "Mom?"
Vader: "Hi Dear. Take a hit of this shit, it's amazing."
Luke is already feeling the contact buzz just being in the room.
Marty: "Now Luke, we need to talk. The Empire does a lot of good. Schools. Medicine. Women driving landspeeders. We abolished slavery on Tatooine. We're progressive. We're getting a bad rap. We need your help to turn that around."
I think this approach is a lot more likely to be effective. Romance your way in.
The US has a lot to learn about this.
US: (whining) Commme Onnn! Be Democratic!
I don't know which is more brilliant: how hilarious this idea was or how you managed to turn it into an excellent political point.
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm going to out myself as a complete and total Star Wars geek here, but...
ReplyDeleteThe Emperor's didn't want Luke to join him and vader. He wanted to enrage luke into killing vader, and have luke replace him. (Luke was like Anakin before he turned extra-crispy).
Vader's plan was to have Luke join them, then both kill the Emperor, with Vader becoming the new Emperor, and Luke becoming his apprentice.
So the point wasn't really 'be evil'. It was:
Emperor : I'm going to kill your friends, so you'll have to kill Vader to get to me. Err, and there's no chance of you actually turning to the dark side using your rage to kill him.
Vader : This is all his fault you know. I was nice, and said things like 'Yippee' a lot when I was a kid. Kill him, and you can save me! Then we can go on father and son picnics and stuff. Killing the emperor won't turn you to the dark side, honest!
Oh, and this point of view doesn't disprove your political point. It accurately decribes the government:
Emperor: "He's evil and this is all his fault, join me!"
Vader: "No, this is all his fault, Join me!"
Luke: "You're both liars, I'm not joining either of you."
Remind you of the TV spots at election time?
Aw, Shucks...
ReplyDeleteI was expecting eye-rolling, not kudos.
LMAO--I teach that in the Spring!
ReplyDeleteYou do make a point--if only evil were that easy to spy . . . but were you implying something Clinton-esque there at the end?? LoL--Women . . . hits & buzzes . . . education & health care . . .
Excellent, truly.
ReplyDeleteOh, Paulius, you're such a buzzkill.
ReplyDeleteExcellent point, Etcher, and told in a way that is reminiscent of Kevin Smith's numerous pontifications on Star Wars in his movies (such as the dispute in Clerks over whether or not the construction contractors on the Death Star were innocent victims).
I'd totally take a class that explained humanities in this way.