As consumers and users of products, we're jaded. We dismiss the wild claims of advertising. Everything is NEW and AMAZING high tech magic. Yeah, sure...
Instead, everything works decently, and most products function about as well as their competitors. Tide works about as well as Cheer. Soap is soap, one sponge is fairly the same as another sponge. (Unless you're talking about Mr. Clean Magic Wall Erasers, which are freaking amazing).
I ignore instruction labels for the most part, and follow my own judgement regarding quantity. I can't remember the last time I actually followed the instructions on a microwave dinner -
Do they actually expect me to cook on 50% power for nine minutes, stir the creamed corn, and then 78% power for another nine minutes? Come on now. Four minutes on high, and all is well.
Pills? Only two ibuprofen? Surely three will be better. I'm in pain, here. Two pills. Come on.
I had a laundry disaster last night, and it's my own fault.
Partly I blame the various companies, who release one bland and homogeneous product after another. I'd been lulled into thinking that the products I was dealing with were weak, watery substances that required no respect.
It was the fabric softener what done it.
Since we don't have a washer and dryer in our apartment, I don't wash my gym clothes every day. I go 5 times a week, and I have 5 separate gym outfits. Once used, I store them in vacuum sealed bags until laundry day.
We went out of town, and some of these bags had been sitting around for two weeks by the time I opened them up last night to be washed. The funk of death and malevolent bacterium issued forth from the bags like a peeved djinn.
Cindy ran in from two rooms away, a bawdy WTF on her lips, concerned that I was covertly and thoroughly gangrenous.
"Not me, it's the clothes." In Biblical times, they would have burned them in a funeral pyre, exorcised the ashes, and been done with it. Not me, I have technology, bitches!
When I put my gym clothes in the washer, I plopped in a couple of Downy Balls, which release fabric softener during the rinse cycle.
Softener to me always seemed only about fragrance. Sure, it's called 'softener', but my clothes don't feel especially soft. Since my clothes were extra funky, they could use some extra fragrance. I overfilled the Downy Balls.
And for good measure, I poured about a cup of softener into the wash, on top of the soap, for each washer. April Fresh, baby!
Wait thirty minutes... Open washers... Despair.
You see, Softener... REALLY DOES soften. The one pair of high tech socks I'd bought at REI practically dissolved, shedding little brackish chunks all over the clothes. One new workout shirt was frayed and ragged. One once-blue shirt was now purple. Another shirt had a weird tye-dyed appearance, a wide streak bleached of its color.
I threw the stuff in the dryer. It came out the softest I've ever felt any fabric in my life. Working out this morning, I was like "Damn, these clothes are soft." Egyptian Cotton, puh-lease and as-if. We've overdosed on April Freshness, and the rest of our short life will be hot hot hot.
Mmmn, nice. Aww yeah baby, Daddy likes.
Drying myself this morning with one of the towels, I enjoyed the experience more than is probably legal. Those scenes of people on XTC, where they enjoy tactile experiences far too much - it was like that. The towel was fucking soft. The towel was high on life.
Its lifespan has probably been halved, but let me tell you, this morning THAT TOWEL LIVED. And I have four more just like it. I will require a vault and a team of eunuchs to guard them.
Moral of the story: Follow the directions. These bland everyday products are actually pretty strong stuff.
Instead, everything works decently, and most products function about as well as their competitors. Tide works about as well as Cheer. Soap is soap, one sponge is fairly the same as another sponge. (Unless you're talking about Mr. Clean Magic Wall Erasers, which are freaking amazing).
I ignore instruction labels for the most part, and follow my own judgement regarding quantity. I can't remember the last time I actually followed the instructions on a microwave dinner -
Do they actually expect me to cook on 50% power for nine minutes, stir the creamed corn, and then 78% power for another nine minutes? Come on now. Four minutes on high, and all is well.
Pills? Only two ibuprofen? Surely three will be better. I'm in pain, here. Two pills. Come on.
I had a laundry disaster last night, and it's my own fault.
Partly I blame the various companies, who release one bland and homogeneous product after another. I'd been lulled into thinking that the products I was dealing with were weak, watery substances that required no respect.
It was the fabric softener what done it.
Since we don't have a washer and dryer in our apartment, I don't wash my gym clothes every day. I go 5 times a week, and I have 5 separate gym outfits. Once used, I store them in vacuum sealed bags until laundry day.
We went out of town, and some of these bags had been sitting around for two weeks by the time I opened them up last night to be washed. The funk of death and malevolent bacterium issued forth from the bags like a peeved djinn.
Cindy ran in from two rooms away, a bawdy WTF on her lips, concerned that I was covertly and thoroughly gangrenous.
"Not me, it's the clothes." In Biblical times, they would have burned them in a funeral pyre, exorcised the ashes, and been done with it. Not me, I have technology, bitches!
When I put my gym clothes in the washer, I plopped in a couple of Downy Balls, which release fabric softener during the rinse cycle.
Softener to me always seemed only about fragrance. Sure, it's called 'softener', but my clothes don't feel especially soft. Since my clothes were extra funky, they could use some extra fragrance. I overfilled the Downy Balls.
And for good measure, I poured about a cup of softener into the wash, on top of the soap, for each washer. April Fresh, baby!
Wait thirty minutes... Open washers... Despair.
You see, Softener... REALLY DOES soften. The one pair of high tech socks I'd bought at REI practically dissolved, shedding little brackish chunks all over the clothes. One new workout shirt was frayed and ragged. One once-blue shirt was now purple. Another shirt had a weird tye-dyed appearance, a wide streak bleached of its color.
I threw the stuff in the dryer. It came out the softest I've ever felt any fabric in my life. Working out this morning, I was like "Damn, these clothes are soft." Egyptian Cotton, puh-lease and as-if. We've overdosed on April Freshness, and the rest of our short life will be hot hot hot.
Mmmn, nice. Aww yeah baby, Daddy likes.
Drying myself this morning with one of the towels, I enjoyed the experience more than is probably legal. Those scenes of people on XTC, where they enjoy tactile experiences far too much - it was like that. The towel was fucking soft. The towel was high on life.
Its lifespan has probably been halved, but let me tell you, this morning THAT TOWEL LIVED. And I have four more just like it. I will require a vault and a team of eunuchs to guard them.
Moral of the story: Follow the directions. These bland everyday products are actually pretty strong stuff.
Ha ha, good story. I might have to investigate the Downy ball. I have shunned it because at this point I am confident that I can do laundry without screwing it up and I fear that incorporating any outside variables might throw the whole system into chaos.
ReplyDeleteThose Magic Erase things are pretty sweet, and particularly handy for someone like me who can't go a day without banging something into the stark white walls of my apartment.
So, did you grow up in Ohio?
ReplyDeleteOhio - no, I lived in Cleveland until I was 3, then we moved to Germany.
ReplyDeleteWe moved about every 2 years (military) so I didn't grow up in any one place.
I came back to Cleveland for about four years in my 20's, and left again.
Advertisments for laundry products have always made me laugh. If everything is 'new and improved' every week and half, what the hell were my parents washing their clothes with when they where my age? Chalk powder?
ReplyDeleteAnd if things had improved as much as the manufacturers say they have, by now we'd be able to throw a handful of washing powder in the general direction of our dirty clothes, there would be a puff of smoke, and the clothes would be washed, dried, ironed, folded and put away.
I agree with Kato - the addition of an unfamiliar component in my wash makes me nervous. Can you imagine ruining an entire load of work clothes?
ReplyDeleteNow if I can just find someone who has tried Cheer Dark or Cold Water Tide, so I can get a review.
Pretty classic... I laughed quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteCold Water Tide......Used it- can't see any difference in regular Tide.
ReplyDeleteCheer Dark- haven't used it yet.
Should tho- Most of my clothes are Black or Red anyway.
;-)
Will let you know.