I was researching breastfeeding recently, for use in my NaNoWriMo novella.Part of an article on the subject cautioned women to be sure to eat a high-calorie diet while breastfeeding, since calories and nutrients are being transmitted in the expressed milk.
!!!
The lazy opportunist segment of my frontal lobe (the part I affectionately refer to as "Mike") said to myself, it said: "Wow, wish I could lactate. Then I could eat whatever I wanted, and then just pump out the requisite amount of milky calories to bring myself down to a respectable 2000 calories worth of intake per day."
If only I wasn't a man.
On further reading, I discovered that men CAN and DO lactate under the proper conditions. Unfortunately, this usually involves taking female hormones, and I don't know if I want breasts.
Mike with breasts... I'm pretty sure it would trouble Cindy greatly. How would my coworkers react? How would showering at the gym be effected? Would the constant urge to fondle them impact my productivity? What about my facial hair? Bearded Chin + Breasty Chesty = Creepy. I guess I could shave, if it meant I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight.
But wait!
According to the WikiPedia entry for male lactation, "It is also possible for males (and females) to induce lactation through constant massage and simulated 'sucking' of the nipple over a long period of time (months)."
Hmn. Tempting... but I'll pass, cause I'm too ticklish for that.
Hey, I had that pump once...and lactation is a PITA - at least from my point of view. You'll hearall kinds of women sing its praises and while its all good...there are some definate points against. The nips get rather raw and sore at first, blocked milk ducts (ouch), mastitis (ouch) and thrush (ouch).
ReplyDeleteYup, once you get married or get a girlfriend, owning breasts stops being such a fun idea.
ReplyDeleteI think it was put best by Beavis and Butthead.
Butthead : "If I had boobs, I'd never leave the house."
Beavis : "I would. To go get a mirror to look at my boobs, hehehhehehe heheh"
I think Steve Martin predated the great B&B when he said (in L.A. Story, 1991): "I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day."
ReplyDeleteWith all this talk of men having breasts, I can't be the only one thinking of Meatloaf as Bob in Fight Club.
ReplyDelete"They're gonna have to drain my pecs again."
great one ck.
ReplyDeleteI've always interpretted the scene in which the narrator sees a reflection of his tear-stained face in Bob's man-tits as signifying his need to find hope in androgyny.
Ok, I just pulled that out of my ass.
This is Mike. Mike has bitch tits.
ReplyDelete