All right, there's been something preying on my mind for the past few years, and I want to come clean.
I've been unfaithful... To my Dental Hygienist.
Her name is Margaret - over at Dr. Sturgin's office, and she is the sweetest thing you ever did see. You know how most Dental Hygienists berate you, complain, and otherwise make you feel guilty?
It's like an appointment with your Cardiologist - you can't just say "But I fucking love Twinkies, all right? I hope I CHOKE on a Twinkie WITH MY LAST BREATH, you can tell me not to eat Twinkies all you like, Doctor Cardiologist Man, but I love em and that's that."
You have to nod, abashed and forlorn, and say "I will floss at least twice a day and thrice on Sundays" with your hand raised as if you're taking a solemn oath.
Well Dental Hygienist Margaret (the sweet one, remember her?) doesn't berate you, she doesn't complain. Oh no. Her eyes get misty, she gets more than a little choked up that your gums are suffering. That you might lose your incisors to gum recession. I can't bear it. I can stand strong against a frontal attack, but when a girl cries... Well that girl gets what she wants.
But flossing, it is such a chore. Cavemen never flossed, and they did fine. They did just fine without fluoride. I often forget, too. I mean well, really. I tried to schedule appointments with Margaret every three months, instead of every six months. But no, apparently cleaning your teeth is bad for you.
So I've started going to Charlotte, at Dr. Walsh's Office, on the other side of town, for my 3 month cleaning. Charlotte's ok, (she's no Margaret) but she's thorough.
Now when I go to see Margaret, she's all smiles and there's no tears, and she praises and compliments me and lets me pick a new toothbrush from the big jug all by myself. And I get out of there without buying the $250 Water Pick and accessories pack.
I feel kind of guilty, but really it's a victimless crime. Right...?
I've been unfaithful... To my Dental Hygienist.
Her name is Margaret - over at Dr. Sturgin's office, and she is the sweetest thing you ever did see. You know how most Dental Hygienists berate you, complain, and otherwise make you feel guilty?
It's like an appointment with your Cardiologist - you can't just say "But I fucking love Twinkies, all right? I hope I CHOKE on a Twinkie WITH MY LAST BREATH, you can tell me not to eat Twinkies all you like, Doctor Cardiologist Man, but I love em and that's that."
You have to nod, abashed and forlorn, and say "I will floss at least twice a day and thrice on Sundays" with your hand raised as if you're taking a solemn oath.
Well Dental Hygienist Margaret (the sweet one, remember her?) doesn't berate you, she doesn't complain. Oh no. Her eyes get misty, she gets more than a little choked up that your gums are suffering. That you might lose your incisors to gum recession. I can't bear it. I can stand strong against a frontal attack, but when a girl cries... Well that girl gets what she wants.
But flossing, it is such a chore. Cavemen never flossed, and they did fine. They did just fine without fluoride. I often forget, too. I mean well, really. I tried to schedule appointments with Margaret every three months, instead of every six months. But no, apparently cleaning your teeth is bad for you.
So I've started going to Charlotte, at Dr. Walsh's Office, on the other side of town, for my 3 month cleaning. Charlotte's ok, (she's no Margaret) but she's thorough.
Now when I go to see Margaret, she's all smiles and there's no tears, and she praises and compliments me and lets me pick a new toothbrush from the big jug all by myself. And I get out of there without buying the $250 Water Pick and accessories pack.
I feel kind of guilty, but really it's a victimless crime. Right...?
~~~~~~~~~~
My NaNoWriMo progress is really none of your beeswax!
Cause I'm way ahead. Way way ahead. Yeah, that's the ticket.
~~~~~~~~~~
Also, if you haven't been to Bookus Maximus, you don't know what you're missing.
You said: "But I fucking love Twinkies, all right? I hope I CHOKE on a Twinkie WITH MY LAST BREATH" and my sides and throat _hurt_ from laughing so hard.
ReplyDeletepst. I never floss. Never. My teeth, and especially my gums, are completely healthy from careful brushing. Seriously. No candy, no soda--no twinkies, that's the ticket. Yeah, floride.
One Hygienist, about 3 years ago, tried to make me suffer--she split my gums open with the floss, telling me to floss regardless.
She died.
No, but, my new Hygienist is lovely--barely any scraping even. I love my teeth. Thanks MC for bringing this up.
Honestly though, I could really use adult braces . . . nothing too horid, but I notice . . . and I've been wondering if I should start sipping coffee through a straw . . .
thankfully, I'm not vain . . .
it's all about the whitening
ReplyDeletealthough there is something strangely satisfying about flossing, how amazingly that little string slips right down there and just gets the gunk.
sounds sexy, i know
I've never been able to get the floss between my teeth...they're very close together.
ReplyDeleteEither that or I finally manage to get the floss in there, and then it won't come out.
Hee hee! I'm not all that big on Twinkies, actually.
ReplyDeleteIt's all about Hostess Cherry Pies!
But "Twinkie" works better in the piece, I think.
And that's why I think that people who read the works of writers and then ramble on at length about what the writer meant - without first reading a piece the writer wrote describing exactly what they meant - those people are full of it.
Wow, I love that story. And it illustrates a very important point. That getting your teeth cleaned every three months instead of every six is really important.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned that you escaped without buying the 250 dollar electric toothbrush. LOL. I love how they sell all these high powered tools at the office.
Yet, there is one that I do use and it got my gums to quit bleeding. That tool is the The Hydro Floss and I use it daily to this day - even though my gums quit bleeding over two years ago.
Anyway, I loved your story. I'm glad you are getting three month cleanings. I'm actually going in every two, just to make sure I don't have any more problems.