So on that day when Mandy comes to collect me, and I head on up to that great library in the sky (the couches are so comfy, and the lattes are free) I'll have a few questions for whatever deity might be waiting.
The first day would be all that normal stuff everyone would ask: "What's the meaning of life, what was my purpose, why did Bones and Scotty have to die when Kirk killed his own wife and got away with it, remarrying like a month later," etc.
The second day would be just chillin with deity by the pool - some mimosa, melon slices, you know. I could ask all those idle questions that I wondered about.
"Was there something I was better at than anyone else?"
"Sure."
"What?"
"Your liver could process more alcohol than any other person who ever lived, and not even flinch. Immune to alcohol poisoning."
"But I wasn't a drinker. I had like two beers in my life."
Deity shrugs. "Yeah, it was a waste."
"Hey, what was that blue thing, you know, in the tree when I was six. Was it actually the little demon from 'Leprechaun 8, GreenPieces'?"
"Ha Ha! No, it was a Japanese biological warfare balloon from WW2."
"No shit."
"Yep."
"No one ever saw it but me."
"No, it blew into the neighbor's yard and the dog buried it."
"Duke, the Irish Setter?"
"Yeah."
"He's the one that went crazy and ate half his own body before they put him to sleep."
"Biological warfare will do that to a dog."
"Is that why Duke was alive, to save me from climbing up there and getting that balloon?"
"No, Duke was alive because I like dogs."
"Good reason."
"I thought so."
The first day would be all that normal stuff everyone would ask: "What's the meaning of life, what was my purpose, why did Bones and Scotty have to die when Kirk killed his own wife and got away with it, remarrying like a month later," etc.
The second day would be just chillin with deity by the pool - some mimosa, melon slices, you know. I could ask all those idle questions that I wondered about.
"Was there something I was better at than anyone else?"
"Sure."
"What?"
"Your liver could process more alcohol than any other person who ever lived, and not even flinch. Immune to alcohol poisoning."
"But I wasn't a drinker. I had like two beers in my life."
Deity shrugs. "Yeah, it was a waste."
"Hey, what was that blue thing, you know, in the tree when I was six. Was it actually the little demon from 'Leprechaun 8, GreenPieces'?"
"Ha Ha! No, it was a Japanese biological warfare balloon from WW2."
"No shit."
"Yep."
"No one ever saw it but me."
"No, it blew into the neighbor's yard and the dog buried it."
"Duke, the Irish Setter?"
"Yeah."
"He's the one that went crazy and ate half his own body before they put him to sleep."
"Biological warfare will do that to a dog."
"Is that why Duke was alive, to save me from climbing up there and getting that balloon?"
"No, Duke was alive because I like dogs."
"Good reason."
"I thought so."
.
.
I like your conversation with the Deity. It was sufficiently ambivalent. I even double checked to see if a "He" or "Him" was slipped and --I was impressed to come up empty handed!
ReplyDeletePTL!
If there is an all powerful creator, I only have one question:
ReplyDelete"Why did you make everything bad for me really, really good...and make all the really healthy stuff almosy inedible?"
"Oh, and why did you smite my coffee maker?"
Heehee!
ReplyDeleteSounds good to me - and you know, much more likely perhaps. Or am I just a heathen?
Mimosas and melon slices, yum, but I'm thinking in MY Heaven, there best not be any worries of calorie intake and a huge ass cupcake with inch-thick icing waiting for me.
Oh, and the ability to chew.... But hopefully by then, that will be restored.
Heather - what is this PTL you speak of?
ReplyDeleteI'm not too sharp on acronyms.
I don't even like melon.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking everything tastes better in heaven.
Calories, please. There are no calories in heaven.
There are so many questions I'd love to have answered! That said I am probably going to hell in a handbasket, so I guess I'll have to live all eternity not knowing the answers :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post!