Stealing from the quiet genius of the one and only Lindsey Quinn, I present for your enjoyment a list of dangerous incidents in my life.
July 23, 1974:
Sitting in my little red wagon, I speed down a hill towards the high speed traffic lanes while Mom chases me, rightfully afraid for my life. I giggle with enthusiasm, and Mom seems pretty excited too.
December 10, 1976:
I trip and cut my knee on a mysterious sharp thing. Seven stitches and lots of blood. They said the scar would go away BUT THEY LIED.
August 3, 1984:
I careen down a mountain of gravel at a fifty degree angle on my bike - I'm unhurt but the bike requires hardcore welding, like only the pro's can do. I get to watch and it's cool.
September 3, 1992
Speeding along a twisty forest road in northern Arizona in a 1978 Toyota Corolla, I rocket from the asphalt, spin the car 180 degrees in midair strike a tree at six feet off the ground and then hit the earth. My nose is smashed into over 100 pieces, my face and throat slashed with flying glass - result - hospitalized for 12 hours and lots of bitchin scars.
April 18, 1993
I stub my toe on a cute cast-iron turtle doorstop, electric nerve agony jolts up my leg, and I spend a week in bed and hopping back and forth to the bathroom.
May 21, 1995
Speeding along on a motorized pallet lifter laden with 2500 pounds of candy bars, the battery begins to die and I give the throttle a goose, only to be hurled with decisiveness against a full pallet of Circus Peanuts, breaking my leg. I walk on the leg for three days until I am dragged to the doctor, who tells me it's a damned good thing I didn't put any weight on it, or I would have needed pins and screws to fix it.
~~~~~
Also, I wrote a new short story.
July 23, 1974:
Sitting in my little red wagon, I speed down a hill towards the high speed traffic lanes while Mom chases me, rightfully afraid for my life. I giggle with enthusiasm, and Mom seems pretty excited too.
December 10, 1976:
I trip and cut my knee on a mysterious sharp thing. Seven stitches and lots of blood. They said the scar would go away BUT THEY LIED.
August 3, 1984:
I careen down a mountain of gravel at a fifty degree angle on my bike - I'm unhurt but the bike requires hardcore welding, like only the pro's can do. I get to watch and it's cool.
September 3, 1992
Speeding along a twisty forest road in northern Arizona in a 1978 Toyota Corolla, I rocket from the asphalt, spin the car 180 degrees in midair strike a tree at six feet off the ground and then hit the earth. My nose is smashed into over 100 pieces, my face and throat slashed with flying glass - result - hospitalized for 12 hours and lots of bitchin scars.
April 18, 1993
I stub my toe on a cute cast-iron turtle doorstop, electric nerve agony jolts up my leg, and I spend a week in bed and hopping back and forth to the bathroom.
May 21, 1995
Speeding along on a motorized pallet lifter laden with 2500 pounds of candy bars, the battery begins to die and I give the throttle a goose, only to be hurled with decisiveness against a full pallet of Circus Peanuts, breaking my leg. I walk on the leg for three days until I am dragged to the doctor, who tells me it's a damned good thing I didn't put any weight on it, or I would have needed pins and screws to fix it.
~~~~~
Also, I wrote a new short story.
You pinned them down to the very day. Impressive. A remarkable memory for dates and disaster, you have!
ReplyDeleteyikes. i think i need to steal this idea, too. i've been told i was very "accident prone" and when, of course, you're a little child, you think this is a compliment. and, of course, you parade around, singing, "i'm accident prone!" and then you run right into a door and get a black eye.
ReplyDeleteI put my fist through a glass pane before . . . but it wasn't exactly an accident . . . I was a bit angry and a
ReplyDeletebeginner-twentyish type person . . . no drugs were involved. Just a watermelon.
a knew of a 10-year-old boy who came through the ER with lacerations to his penis.
ReplyDeleteHe was taking a piss behind a barn when a cat scratched him . . .
I went down a steep hill (paved), on my knees, on a skateboard when I was about 5.
ReplyDeleteSkateboard stopped on a dime, I kept going...landed on my face, and scraped 6 feet along the ground before the rest of my body hit the ground.
Luckily, all the scars are hidden by my goatee
Oh I totally made up the dates. Don't trust anything I say.
ReplyDelete