Maybe it's just me...

I'm shopping for RAM (for to make the PC go the faster).

There are reviews for RAM, of all things - this one caught my eye:

"It does what it's advertised to do. The memory looks great and works great. It's probably the coolest looking thing in my computer."

Now maybe it's just me, but I don't care if the RAM looks like an unborn fetus, as long as it works. Who gives a shit what it looks like?

Duh

So I'm flipping around the XM dial and settle on Elvis Radio - All
Elvis, all the time. Heartbreak Hotel ends, and another song begins.

"Oh, wait." I say to myself. "I know who sings this..."

I'm sad to say it took me a good 15 seconds.

Funky Berries

WOO HOO!

High Fructose Bullshit

Click and watch.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this is poorly disguised propaganda.

NaNoWriMoooo

Yay! I just hit 38,516 words on my NaNoWriMo novella. I'm all caught up after spending the last two weeks a perpetual three days behind. I took Friday off from work, and the three day weekend was instrumental in my catching up.

I'm sorry to say that despite all of your wonderful suggestions, I still haven't met a title that jumped up and wow'ed me. I guess it's not the end of the world, as a publisher usually re-names a book anyway. Because you know, it's gonna be published. Suuuurrre it will.

I'm supposed to be at 50,000 words on Sunday, November 30th, and I have no doubt that I'll make it - but the book won't be done. It'll probably require at least 75,000 to 100,000 words, which means I need to keep plugging away until it's done.

A thousand words a day seems reasonable, right? Do-able.

Etcher's Law #71

Eat thee not an entire box of White Cheddar CHEEZ-ITS, lest thy urine reek of artificial flavors.

Yea verily.

I didn't make this up

Who's writing this stuff?

I'm in the middle of my NaNoWriMo novel, and my character is a recovering addict. I needed to research Narcotics Anonymous, and I came across this PDF.

It's 'DON'T' number three that really caught my eye. I know what they're getting at, but it's still funny.

Name My Baby!

NaNoWriMo is going along well enough I suppose... As of this moment, I am about 5500 words behind (supposed to write 1667 words per day), which means I have written about 15,000 words of my novel. Not too shabby.

I'm having trouble coming up with a good title though. Trouble as in, I'm clueless. I'm too close to it. Then I remembered how many great suggestions you guys came up with the last time I needed title help (unsurprisingly, Kato the Great was the winner.)

It's that time again, I'm appealing to everyone's skills with wordplay - the winner gets huzzah's and acclaim on a blog with two readers. (Woo!)

Here's the synopsis:

For unknown reasons, a man begins losing time and regressing in stages to different points of his life. He remains the same physical age, but loses memories so that from his perspective , he's back to his 30's, back to his 20's, and eventually back to a childlike state.

His personal timeline was a very troubled one, doctors can't help, insurance won't cover him, so his teenage daughter and her boyfriend have a lot to deal with taking care of him and trying to solve the mystery.

Etcher's Law #5

You're in some guy's dank basement with a bunch of other misguided hopefuls, in the midst of a fucked-up initiation rite for a particularly scary cult...

Do not say: "Y'all are fucked up, I'm out." and try to leave.

Say: "Fuck yeah! Goat blood is where it's at! Why do we only have one virgin to slay and devour? What is this, The Third World?" (Throwing up the horns is optional at this point.)

Once you are safely back in the safety of your car, drive to the nearest city and contact the FBI. You might want to stop to wash the blood off your face, or not - it would give your story more oomph.

What prompts this new Etcher's Law? A news story:

Police: Woman slain trying to leave KKK rite

"NEW ORLEANS, La. (AP) — An Oklahoma woman who was lured over the Internet to take part in a Ku Klux Klan initiation was shot and killed after the ritual went awry, and the group tried to cover it up by dumping her body on a rural roadside and setting her belongings aflame, authorities said..."

Where exactly is she scarred?

More Fun With Google AutoComplete

WTF? They donated a gallon of blood?

NaNoWriMo 2008

NaNoWriMo is coming...
I have to say I'm dreading it more than looking forward to it.

I think it's because when I start it, I won't stop until I get all 50,000 words.

It's just such a commitment. I don't write very speedily, so it can take me 3 or 4 hours per day to reach my daily quota.

I plan to get up early every morning, work out, shower, write, and then go to work, perhaps write at lunch be then some more writing after dinner...

If I were truly a writer, this would be fun, right? Not work? Hmm.

Real Life Conversation #42

Oh! I was so disappointed in our new neighbors last night.

Huh?

I ran out to my car to get something, and I saw their SUV - they're fornicating!

What? Did you say fornicating?

No! Pro McCain.

Fresh Freshed Freshly

High Tech Plot

The solar panels are running two cute lil fountains.

WWFS?

"The squeaky wheel gets the worm."

An interesting slip, but is it Freudian?

Real Life Conversation #41

Dude, all of your friends are so cool, great energy!

Yeah, it's great.

So what the hell am I doing here?

Hey, you're one of us.

It's like I thought it through: Hmn, all of Fred's friends are black... Am I black? Wait a minute... Holy shit, I'm black!

My Peeps!

People who say "okie dokie" are my kind of people.

The sad truth

It's "Groupies", not "Boobies".

I know, right? I was bummed.

Work Foliage

The IT guy loves me...

Rraawr!

Can you imagine?

Relaxing with a book & a mimosa

Did I mention? I live on the 2nd Floor.

Guess What?

Temptation, thy name is Blueberry

Otis Spunkmeyer is just wrong.

a barometer for the human experience

I hopped onto my browser to find out how to tie a tie.

I got as far as "How to" and the ever helpful auto-complete function kicked in and made some suggestions for me: (actual order)

How to tie a tie
How to kiss
How to get pregnant
How to french kiss
How to give head
How to flirt
How to lose weight
How to make love
How to gain weight
How to make out

I dunno about you, but damn.

I think what surprises me most: 'gain weight' is in the top 10.

Phil's Not Dead! He's running for VP!

I got a 100%!! Bring it!

Don't click this link

Nope

Did she LOL in the end?

My soon-to-be mother-in-law sent me an email last night. It seems she keeps notes on the likes and dislikes of the family, and since I'm about to be family... Her email was a list of about 75 questions. I thought I would share a few of my emailed answers with you.

Favorite Movies:
The Burning Bed
Sleeping With the Enemy
What's Love Got to Do With It?

Favorite Books:
Bastard Out of Carolina
The Color Purple
Misery

Favorite Phrase:
"Don't make me cut you again."

How long do you think she read on and on, a look of horror and dismay growing on her face, her jaw dropping and her hand reaching for the phone in a desperate effort to call the whole thing off BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE until realizing what an adorable lil joker I am?

Checking In

About to get married! Yay!
Had my hours cut at work. Boo!
Heading to Vegas for our Honeymoon! Yay!
Might need to find a new job soon. Boo!

How's your corner of the globe?
Hope life is more Yay than Boo.

Am I the only one?

Sometimes I feel guilty when skipping a song on my ipod or Pandora - as if somewhere, Skip Statistics are being tracked, and it's ruining an artist's day.

"Sure, he paid 99 cents for the song, but he only listened to it twice, and then skipped past it the next ten times. Why?? WHYYY?? What did I do wrong? Why didn't Mommy love me??"

I just wasn't in the mood for that song right then, ok? It's a wonderful song, and clearly I like it or I wouldn't have purchased it. I just need to be in right mode to enjoy it. Um, it's not you, it's me?

Man + Geek = Dilemma

Forgive me.

I have ten minutes of free time before I have to leave for work.

I could:

A) Enjoy some quality porn

B) Watch a vid of Buzz Aldrin (if you don't know who he is, I don't want to know you) at the unveiling of WhiteKnightTwo (if you don't know what this is, you are dead to me).

I chose B.
The idea that the geek in me overrode the base animal instincts says a lot for humankind. I think we're gonna make it. Woo!

Real Life Conversation #40

He sent his kid to fencing camp! And not the construction kind.

Wow, sounds expensive.

But he also sent her to YMCA camp, so it isn't all guns and roses.

Ha Ha HA! What?

:::Chuckle::: Um, what's the term?

A bed of roses?

Yeah, that.

who i is

This is how I roll.

Umm?

This is a real online ad I came across.
Am I the only one that thinks it's an odd one?

The clincher is the guy in the background, covering his face in...Shame? Embarrassment? Cause you know, today's the day the investors are visiting from Beijing.

Why, God? Why?

There are only two flavors I can't tolerate. As a result, I can and do eat just about anything (my omnivorous ancestors rejoice!).

These two intolerable flavors are 1) Coconut and 2) Melon (yes, all types of melon).

Hey, maybe I could do some research to discover that coconuts are a form of melon, and I can make my dislikes 50% more succinct.

I have an irrational fear that one day, suddenly and for no reason, all the food I eat will begin to taste like coconut. Just thought you should know.

Cover your shame!

In what order do you get dressed?

Me:
1) Underwear
2) Undershirt
3) Socks
4) Pants
5) Work Shirt

Shouldn't I put on my socks before my shirt? I think it must be spare-tire shame - the sooner I get it covered, the sooner I can try to forget it's there.

WOO! SUCCESS!

I felt an urgent need to use the restroom. While still in the doorway of the men's room, I noticed there was but a teensy scrap of toilet paper left.

I rushed to and checked the supply cabinet in the south hall - empty! The north hall cabinet - empty!

Shit shit shit.

I dared into the women's bathroom, where two rolls of toilet paper waited on the counter, smug in their crinkly wrapping paper. Huzzah! I grabbed one of the rolls, and absconded with it as if I were stealing an infant for a wife who must never know I threw the baby out with the bathwater.

YES! I ROCK! I felt a surge of pride and self-sufficience, surely the same sensation my prehistoric hunter-gatherer ancestors felt as they brought down a saber toothed tiger with their bare hands. I had reached deep into the secret core of my environment and wrenched free a mouthful of meat still hot from its beating heart!

Freeway Snaps #4

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Is it just me, or would this be a better name for a lingerie shop? Maybe someone bought a lingerie shop, converted it into a pet spa, and didn't have the money for a new sign?

Sneaky Snack Solutions

We're not supposed to eat at our desks at work - yet we get no breaks other than lunch breaks. A person gets a bit peckish, you know?

So I came up with this food delivery system that's below the radar, or on the down-low, as it were:

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Reason #283

Just in case you think I need another reason to dislike Florida:
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This mofo's body was two or three inches long, before you even start measuring the legs... And he he has a little friend, too!

Freeway Snaps #3

I spend about 36 hours a month commuting, and come across all sorts of interesting things on the I-75 in central Florida.
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If you don't live in Florida, you might not be aware that there's a whole industry devoted to custom golf carts...

I find this hilarious

It's time you knew something about me...

I love Kylie Minogue. Though it's crap, it's all so damn catchy.
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Looking at the web site makes me feel mighty gay, though my love for womenfolk is undeniable. Man-Lesbian? Is there a term?

Cash? For me? No thanks!

What's the story with trucks with the 'Not for Hire' signs on them?

Are the truck drivers harassed wherever they go? People flagging them down at street corners, waving them over while on the freeway, Hey Hey Mr. Truckdriverman! Hey! Can I hire you?

"Look, here Lou. We need a new 'Not for Hire' sign! I had three people stop me yesterday and offer me work. So, it looks slow today - can I go home early? I don't need the money."

Another Fine EtchCo product!

I don't know about you, but I have tons of projects I would love to finish, but somehow never get around to them.

How about this? You log in to Etcho's ProjectEnforcement.com, type up your project synopsis, enter a start date, a projected finish date, and buy some collateral - a $200 or $500 bond, say. That seems pricey, but remember, not finishing the project needs to sting, or where's the motivation?

Next, you can agree to a pre-set contact schedule, or customize one of your own - do you want ProjectEnforcement.com to call you once a week? Once per day? Do you want email reminders? Text message reminders? You'd fill out agreements that give the web site permission to hassle you.

Say once per week you get a friendly email, once per fortnight you get an encouraging phone call, and once per month you get an urgently-worded snail mail letter stressing the importance of finishing the project.

"How are ya's? We's understands you's supposed ta be halfways done wit dat wedding scrapbook. Ya's only gots two more weeks, until things gets, ah - Jimmy, what's dat? Yeah, things'a get 'unpleasant'. Ya's don't wants that, do ya's? Heh heh heh."

You could set milestones, so you could set a novel you'd like to write as a project, and when you finish the synopsis, you log in to ProjectEnforcement.com, mark it off, finish the outline and mark it off, each chapter or act could be a milestone. You'd get congratulatory missives for each milestone - "Way to go!".

If you finish the project on time, you get your $500 bond back. If not, the pressure is turned way up for those last few weeks. Of course, you can forfeit at any time, and lose the entire bond. Want an extension? For a small fee, we would be happy to give you another 30 days to complete the project, and still be eligible for the full bond.

Once late, for every day the project is not finished, ProjectEnforcement.com will charge you $50. You'll get daily phone calls at this point, angry letters, and so on - until the entire bond is gone.

Once your bond is forfeit, your community profile status will blacklist you as a 'No Good Dirty Quitter', until you complete a project, when you're returned to 'Wanna-Be" status.

You're OUT (of my car)

Dear Hitch-hiker by the freeway onramp:

Strike 1: You were wearing a wifebeater and shorts at 8am on a Monday
Strike 2: Uncombed and unshaven
Strike 3: Smoking a cigarette

You know, maybe I could overlook the first and the second, but getting my car all stanky with cigarette funk? No thank you.

Mmn, Mushrooms

I encountered these dinner-plate-sized mushrooms on my way to check mail recently. Too bad they would probably kill me if I ate em. It would be cool if I owned testing apparatus that could scan and verify them safe for consumption. Pretty though.

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Why so many pics lately, you ask? Well I finally have a camera phone that takes decent pics, is all.

Jump for the treat!!

We barely have to starve her at all to encourage this sort of behavior...
Though next time I'll wear gloves.

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New desk, new sign

This is a sign at my desk at work. My desk is in front of an emergency exit hatch (literally in front of it) and the hatch itself is sealed with drywall compound, and painted over.

I'd love the chance to test it someday... How long would it take me to drag my desk out of the way far enough to get the hatch open? And how readily would the hatch open? And hey, it would open in exactly the wrong direction. If I moved my desk to the only place I could move it, the desk would assist the door in blocking everyone but myself from using it.

What is Jeopardy?

1) Good Luck Craig! I can't wait to see you on the show!

2) Kato - did you know, one of the guys who invented Talk Like a Pirate Day was on Jeopardy recently, did you catch that one?

same emas

I was taking a walk this morning and came upon two green Toyota Rav4's parked side by side. His and hers? You'd think they'd choose different colors at least. But considering the number of old folks I see walking around in identical red sweatsuits, mebbe not.

Holy shit - do the license plates have the same numbers? Hold on. No, just the first 3 letters are the same. How weird would it have been to discover the plates were duplicates?

I'd have had to check the VIN next. And what if the VINs matched perfectly for each car? Look inside to see identical wear and tear - the driver's side seats have a cigarette burn in the exact same place!

Against my better judgement, I creep up to the house and listen - what would I hear? Identical voices arguing over which of them was the real one. How this is the miracle they've been waiting for, these past 23 years. How he's a cheating, abusive bastard, but if I left he would kill himself, and now I can leave, thank the lord, now I can leave! Fuck you bitch I'm not staying here so you can leave! You're not even real! Your ass is staying here, even if I have to tie you down.

The sound of glass breaking!
A scream!
Muffled sobbing.
The front door flies open, and I crouch in the bushes.
A 40ish woman comes storming out and jumps in one of the Rav4's.
She speeds off.

I back away, and try to forget what I just heard.

Early Sunday at the grocery store

At the register:

Points an accusatory finger -
"You know, young man - if you had bunched your items together to fill the entire width of the belt, I would have room to put my stuff on."

Looks at watch -
"Shouldn't you be in church?"

Yes, this was in a bar, how did you know?

(The hollow dried shell of a fruit)

Years ago, I read a Tim Cahill book about his adventures traveling the deep dark jungles...

I can't recall if it was South America or Africa, but he talked about a culture where the menfolk wore only a gourd which covered their privates - such as the one seen below:

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I was undressing after work one day, and thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of being unencumbered by all the shoes, buckles, ties, stays, straps, laces, and etc. of the workaday world. Ahh, sweet relief!

Do the gourd-wearing menfolk of that tribe come back to the hut after a long day and sit down: "Damn, it feels good to get that gourd off! Sweet freedom!"

Or do they wear an undergourd beneath? Do they prance around, harassing their good lady wife with their near-nakedness?

During this meditation on gourd-wearing, I've made a discovery that will stand the etymological community on its head - this is the source of the phrase "You're out of your gourd", which of course means "You're naked!".

Libbys Libbys Libbys on the Label Label Label

Blogger labels...

I have a number of post series, such as the Real Life Conversations (check your local listings).

I'm up to 39 real life conversations, and if you click on the label link for RLC, you get the 20 most recent posts with that label (because in my dashboard, I have 'show last 20 posts' selected).

I wonder if there's a way to create an exception when it comes to viewing a labels result, since the frustrating thing is, once you've read the first 20, there's no way for the reader to go on to the next 20.

I could create a link within each RLC to an RLC master list page, where all the RLCs were listed one after the other in one post, or a post with links to each individual post, but I'm more interested in finding a fix for the labels.

Freeway Snaps #2

I spend about 36 hours a month commuting, and come across all sorts of interesting things on the I-75 in central Florida.

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Real Life Conversation #39

Hey, see the one in the white shirt? Think I could get away with that hairstyle?

Hmm, it depends - where are you getting away to?

Etcher's Law #2

Managing everyone's perception of you is very important in all aspects of life.
How do you register on other people's radar?

Make all your blips good blips.

Freeway Snaps #1

I spend about 36 hours a month commuting, and come across all sorts of interesting things on the I-75 in central Florida.

Etcher's Law #23

It's all about expectations - you don't go to the Cobbler for cobbler.

I never said this

"Dude, dude. Dude! You need to decide once and for all, all right? She's either the best thing that's ever happened to you, or she's the cheating whore who gave you Chlamydia."

Is there a microbiologist in the house?

I'm trying to improve my diet - one way is by attempting (oh foolish me) to avoid high-fructose corn syrup.

I'm eating yogurt, and noticed that among the ingredients is something called "fructan".

A fructan is a polymer of fructose molecules - Plants storing their food as fructans are able to thrive at low temperatures since fructans confer tolerance to freezing. They bind to membranes, thereby helping to keep cells intact.

So...does "fructan" count as "fructose"? It seems essentially a sugar, but is it a bad sugar? I've read a bunch of stuff online (mostly research papers) and it's hard to tell, since I lack the scientific vocabulary.

Help Help!

Weekly French Lesson

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's irate about the French language lessons that teach you utterly useless things to say, such as:

"Voulez-vous passer s’il vous plaît le plateau de fromage de chèvre?"
("Would you please pass the plate of goat cheese?")

Here's something you'll actually use:
"J'ai mangé trop de Twinkies - où est l'Immodium A-D?"
("I have eaten too many Twinkies - where is the Immodium A-D?")

I have empowered you! Go forth! Impress some yokels!

True Story

"I guess it depends on how you define 'completely unprovoked', right? RIGHT??"

Up High, Down Low, Little Dirty

I've owned a few domain names over the years... I was looking into one that I've been wanting for a while, and it's set to expire in a couple weeks.

I was researching the best ways to backorder the domain, and I came across this article - interesting reading, I had no idea!

The Pool.com method is especially awful/cool if you're them - what a great money making method, for something that is essentially automated.

a sign near my desk at work

All you have to do is drag 2 fully laden desks out of the way to escape.
You'd think this would be a fire hazard.

Yay! Go Me!

Mike, as you know - I accidentally overwrote your blog template last night with a harshly edited version without archives, comments, or links.

I'm sorry. I know, I know, it sucks!

However, thanks to your foresight two weeks ago when you inexplicably backed up the template for no good reason, it has been restored!

Go May 11th Mike!
May 28th Mike thinks you rock the casbah! Woo!

Thanks,
Mike

Crooner Porn

Whenever I listen to Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Mel Torme, or any of those cats, I can't help but change the lyrics to the most crude, crass, and pornographic wording possible.

Why do I do this, I dunno.

You should try it, it is the fun.

I wonder if these re-imagined songs would sell?

Proof of Insurance

Let's say I'm pulled over by the police, and they want to see my proof of insurance - I don't have the most current printed proof, so I use my iPhone to access the Geico website and view the on-screen proof.

"See, Mr. Officer Sir, I have full and current coverage with Geico! Let's dance!"

Would that get me out of a ticket? Probably not.

But what's the difference between a piece of paper and a digitally displayed document? The online version is much more likely to be up to date than the paper version, which (HELLO) I print myself at home, using my PC and my very own printer.

It would be easy to print myself a completely fake proof. It would be easy to create a fake web proof too... So, what's valid? I'm sure there are some precedents out there for virtual docs vs. printed ones - I'll have to do some research.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury...

"Oh NO! Eeew! A frog just hopped in front of my car and got squished."

"Are you sure you didn't swerve toward the frog?"

"What? NO!"

"Frogs aren't known for their speed, is all."

"You never heard of frog racing?"

"Against other frogs. It's not like they're chowing down on high-octane bugs."

Eclectic, or Random?

Happy Nation (remix) -- Ace Of Base
Uninvited -- Alanis Morissette
I'll Fly Away -- Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch
You Know I'm No Good -- Amy Winehouse
Yakety Sax (Benny Hill Theme) -- André Rieu
Bach (JS): Lute Suite in E Minor, BWV 996 - Sarabande -- Andrés Segovia
Moon River -- Andy Williams
Suffocate Me -- Angelfish
Song For A Future Generation -- The B-52's
Another Postcard -- Barenaked Ladies
Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy) -- Big & Rich
Movin' Out (Anthony's Song) -- Billy Joel
The Bad Touch -- Bloodhound Gang
Witchcraft -- Book Of Love
Ain't No Other Man -- Christina Aguilera
Nil Se'n La -- Clannad
Tomorrow, Wendy (Live) -- Concrete Blonde
Be My Producer -- Dani Siciliano
16 Candles -- Danielle Dax
The Dreaming Tree -- Dave Matthews Band
This Can't Be Love -- Diana Krall
Hooray For Hollywood -- Doris Day
Mercy -- Duffy
Lyin' Eyes -- The Eagles
Can't Get It Out of My Head -- Electric Light Orchestra
Queer -- Garbage
The Thunder Rolls -- Garth Brooks
Ooh La La -- Goldfrapp
Sally Go Round the Roses (live) -- Great Society
2 Wicky -- Hooverphonic
At Seventeen -- Janis Ian
Standing Still -- Jewel
He'll Have to Go -- Jim Reeves
In The Cool, Cool, Cool Of The Evening -- Rosemary Clooney
Mama He's Crazy -- The Judds
Jesus Walks -- Kanye West
Milkshake -- Kelis
Since U Been Gone -- Kelly Clarkson
Virus (Pestilence Mix) -- KMFDM
Pretend We're Dead -- L7
Out Comes The Evil -- Lords Of Acid
Tango To Evora -- Loreena McKennitt
Won't Go Home Without You -- Maroon 5
Devil Woman -- Marty Robbins
Angel -- Massive Attack
Worrisome Heart -- Melody Gardot
Thieves -- Ministry
Gossip Folks -- Missy Elliott
A Girl Doesn't Get Killed by a Make-Believe Lover -Thrill Kill Kult
Exotica -- Mychael Danna
When They Ring The Golden Bells -- Natalie Merchant
Cracklin' Rosie -- Neil Diamond
Feeling Good -- Nina Simone
Terrible Lie -- Nine Inch Nails
Control I'm Here -- Nitzer Ebb
Too Drunk to Fuck -- Nouvelle Vague
Carmen -- Paula Cole
You Make Me Sick -- Pink
Let's Never Stop Falling In Love -- Pink Martini
Angry Johnny -- Poe
Undenied -- Portishead
Machine Gun -- Portishead
Tommy The Cat -- Primus
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (From Company B) -- The Puppini Sisters
The Child (Inside) -- Qkumba Zoo
Shiny Happy People -- R.E.M.
Fidelity -- Regina Spektor
Story of Us -- Sarah Fimm
The Last Day Of Our Acquaintance -- Sinéad O'Connor
I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow -- The Soggy Bottom Boys
I'm Free -- The Soup Dragons
What I Got (Reprise) -- Sublime
If I Were a Weapon -- Suzanne Vega
Istanbul (Not Constantinople) -- They Might Be Giants
No Scrubs -- TLC
Wordless May -- Venus Hum
America -- The Youngs
In The Waiting Line -- Zero 7

Place the quote

"I'm not an expert, but I don't think Scarecrows knock."

10 Reasons...

10 Reasons Why Cryogenic Freeze Might be a Bad Idea
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You wake up in the distant future to discover the horrors of...

1) Freezer burn

2) You are one of a million immortal hivemind slave labor clones

3) Jamaharon is ubiquitious and free - however: 'No Cryos!'

4) Disco makes a big comeback

5) Worldwide honey mustard shortage

6) You have to reboot your brain twice per day

7) Cheek pinching replaced handshakes

8) Cybersex can now give you syphilis

9) Surgeon General now warns against ranch dressing

10) Kenny G posthumously named King of Rock and Roll

Kinda sets the tone for day

2 Things

1) Is it wrong to jog laps around a cemetery?
2) There is no 'A' in cemetery.

Real Life Conversation #38

In a car with automatic windows, would you still say "rolled down the window"?

Hmm, I dunno.

Maybe "lowered the window?"

How about... "put the window down"?

You mean like "You suck, window! You're so superficial, so transparent! I can see right through you! And you're all dirty and spotty too! You're just common sand!"

(ROFL!) You deserve a kiss for that one, come here.

Not exactly an enlightened question...

Do single-serving gravy packets exist? Like catsup or mustard, but gravy?

I have another idea! Wait, it already exists...

Get a load of this - a flatform gas can that turns into a container when you need it to. And it's disposable when you're done. Just be sure to rinse before you toss...

.

Just a quick peek into my world...

Unreleased Aerosmith Songs

Janie's Really Annoyed

Janie's Not Going to Take it Anymore

Janie's Applying for a Permit

Janie's Waiting 5 Days

Handy Tip! Free!

A magnetic key holder placed on the underside of your car doesn't have to contain keys - how about some change and a few emergency phone numbers?

Phone numbers such as the American Automobile Association (don't forget to include your acct #), your work, your kid's school, your spouse's work, spouse's cell, and the number of your best pal.

Just a thought. Might make a cute, inexpensive gift for friends and loved ones too.

In Real Life = not at all slanty

Who Knew?

A sign near my work

<<--Men || Boys-->>

Denny's or IHOP?
IHOP

Beatles or Elvis?
Elvis

Britney or Christina?
Christina

Bottled or Brita?
Brita

Rings or Fries?
Frings

Early or Late?
Early

Rough or Gentle?
Yes please.

Slimbolala RULES!

I don't know if I'll be able to read this blog much longer... You're just too perfect.

You have a beautiful wife who also has a humanitarian-type job, adorable kids, writing talent, photography talent, drawing talent, you play an instrument, math skills, programming skills, you're into local folklore, you lived through Katrina, you have cool pets, you're about to be a math teacher in a high-needs region...

(There are probably 20 cool things I missed!)

And to top it off, most damning of all, you resemble Harry Connick Jr. more than a little.

Thank Brahma for IMDB!

I was trying to think of that guy, he's a musician, from New Orleans... Handsome guy, good singer, if I were gay he'd totally be my type...

How in the world to Google that?

Wait, he was in Iron Giant as the beatnik junkyard sculptor dude...

IMDB... Iron Giant...

Harry Connick Jr! Yes!

Real Life Conversation #37

This weather man-child is not filling me with confidence.

Yeah I think he's new.

Well I can tell you, he's no Jim Cantore.

Hah! Well, who is? I'll bet, some days even Jim Cantore has a hard time being Jim Cantore.

Strange, when did I order Porn-by-Mail?

Oh, wait - it's not porn, it's my quarterly dividends prospectus from Smith Barney.


If it's shipped in black plastic, you can bet it's not something to be proud of.

Iron Man rocks! Err... Ores!

I had to work on Saturday (grrr) and what with Cindy working late into the night every night until next Thursday, and since I was out of the house anyway, I took it upon myself to see Iron Man all alone (yes, I took one for the team, I'm a great guy, what can I say?).

It was a nearly full theater - I had strangers to either side of me for the whole film, despite my carefully orchestrated early arrival and sitting down in an empty row.

A woman was sitting to my left - I never did see her face. She was light haired, was wearing very pretty flip flops (I'm sure they're called Designer Sandals when you buy them at Nordstrom's) and seemed generally a nice sort. She chatted very softly with her man on and off throughout the film, but since they whispered so softly it didn't trouble me (so it must have been very softly indeed).

The endearing thing about this woman was how much empathy she had. When Tony Stark stubbed a toe, she gasped and cringed - she could feel it in the pit of her stomach. When Tony kicked ass and took names, she was right there for him, woo!ing and yeah!ing right along with the rest of us.

I think it would be fair to say I enjoyed the movie more because she was sitting next to me - her immersion and suspension of disbelief was infectious - I was drawn in deeper thanks to her. "Thanks, Lady in Pretty Flip Flops" I thought.

(I've always considered movie-watching to be a solitary thing - you might attend a movie together, but you're essentially sitting alone in the dark for 2 hours. Iron Man makes me rethink this theory.)

Then, as we waited as the credits rolled for Samuel L. Jackson to make his post-credits cameo, she was chatting it up with her man, and I realized what an OMG LOL As-If Talk to the Hand type-girl she was. Ah well. Still, her contribution to my experience remains.

Yoink!

Kato recently blogged of his trials and tribulations attempting to eat cake from a ziplock bag.

(We've all been there, don't try to pretend you're above such things.)

I posted my solution in his comments section, but then realized that the world at large should be able to benefit from my sage culinary wisdom - - Also, I couldn't think of anything else to post.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I would recommend this as the best method of eating cake from a ziplock:

1) Secure at least 8oz of whole cow's milk @ 40 degrees F, in a glass

2) Make sure the ziplock is tightly zipped

3) Pulverize the cake with your thumbs (NOT your fingers)

4) Cut a .5 inch hole in the bottom left corner of the bag

5) Roll the top of the bag down to tightly contain the cakey contents

6) Squeeze the cake through the hole cut in step 3

7) Pretend you're an Astronaut, and it's your birthday

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Any day you can pretend you're an Astronaut is a good day.

Names Changed to Protect the Innocent

I checked my email this morning to discover one from Hallmark E-Card Services:

Your E-Card has been sent to BadgeryMojo!

"Whaaaa?" Says I.

I fumble around in my recent memories... I don't recall sending an e-card. Nope.

Now I'm worried. What did I send? WHEN? Was it that night I was high from sniffing cherry-flavored markers? Or that night I concocted the Ultimate S'Mores (80% pure Cocao, Mallow Whip, and Gourmet Graham)??

What did the card say? Was it a mad plea that we run off together to Beautiful Downtown Des Moines, to live in a cardboard box, dwelling in quiet obscurity as Beat Poets and Soap Box Philosophers?

Turns out it was a simple 'Hello', but I still don't remember sending it - and Hallmark doesn't say when I placed the e-card request, just when it was sent.

It might be cool to create a series of e-cards for your loved ones, each one different, to be sent each year on their birthday, for like the next 100 years. How odd would it be to receive a B-Day card from a long-dead friend or loved one? Would you change your email address to avoid it, or wait excitedly to see what they sent?

Imagine getting annual e-cards like that from your parents - it would be especially cool if each card told the secret story of their lives, all the crazy shit you never knew about, and you had to wait a year for each installment.

Portishead! New Album!

Yes, it's true! Go Go Go!

Overheard, just wrong

"An angry pregnant woman, dat's the woist. I mean, dat's da only time you can't hit em back, em I right?"

Brica-brack

You know how over time, you end up with a drawer of odds and ends, stray buttons, screws, little adaptors that fit nothing but might be useful one day?

I have a sentence like that...
An odds and ends sentence, that I'll probably never use...

"Her ovaries were dark with promise."

If you can find somewhere to use this, you're welcome to it.

a work-in-progress snippet

Is it possible to create a novella-length melodramatic work entirely in the present tense? I'm sure it's been done... How readable would it be? That is, can it hold a reader's attention without feeling too awkward to them?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Green is beginning to stir. His breath is raspy, heavy with effort, wet thanks to a punctured lung.

Gail finds her hands gripping his gun in fingers tight and cold. Her jaw is clenched, teeth grinding. She's overwhelmed by a sense of outrage at his invasion into her space, not just her car, but her space – her tidy world.

Her fingers close on the trigger, and the gun goes off almost effortlessly. She will later convince herself it was an accident. The BANG fills the tiny space to overflowing, and her ears whine an endless E.

The red-haired thug runs up to the car just in time to see his buddy take a point-blank bullet. Red stumbles away, gathers himself up, running off at top speed.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Also, can you say these words in the present tense:
punctured
clenched
overwhelmed

Best evidence that Life is a cruel joke:

Your art enjoys massive posthumous success.

A leading cause of diabetes...

Ever have trouble saying "insulin"?

I was trying to warn myself against the dangers of overeating, and was mentioning to myself the slippery slope that is Insolence Resistance...oops, Insulin Resistance.

What? You don't talk to yourself? I'd be lonely without the voices*.

(*Mostly they tell me to clean the house)

Fun with SMS

My new cell phone automatically corrects for spelling errors as you type a text message. Here's what it should have sent:

Hey Darlin - I'm at the archery range, gonna shoot a few vollies, be home by 9.

What it did send:

"...archery range, gonna shoot a few collies, be home by 9."

Labels Tabulation Extravaganza

Do you guys ever look at the labels list that's compiled for your blogs?
It's interesting to see which things I talk most about...

Real Life Conversations (37)

EtchCo Inventions (19)

Cats (17)

Cindy (10)

Credi-Bull (9)

Florida (7)

Music (6)

Potty (5)

Actual Job Postings (4)

How odd that I talk about the cat more than my good lady wife...

Morbidly Craft-tastic!

The best arts and crafts take everyday things, everyday problems, and turn them into something other - perhaps wholly unexpected, but somehow fitting in their new guise and surroundings.

In business, huge profits can lie in finding a niche market - going into a fresh direction, solving a problem no other company has even realized needs solving.

The Problem:
Serial Killers have loads of corpses littering up our good nation's ditches, copses, and marshlands - this unregulated disposal is highly problematic - I can't tell you how many nature hikes I've taken that have been spoiled by the discovery of a mutilated corpse - another Sunday morning needlessly ruined!

The Solution:
EtchCo's Corpse-Cutters: The Road-Kill Collection(tm)

Don't fling last night's conquest down the nearest embankment! Is that the work of a professional hunter or a perverted nothing? Are you a Nine Year Old Boy Locked In His Aunt's Closet Or Are You A Man?

Prove your manliness with EtchCo's Corpse-Cutters: The Road-Kill Collection(tm). The kit includes: Goggles, Gloves, Fillet Knife, Trophy Ziplock, Assorted neutral-toned (fully biodegradable!) fur scraps, Disposable Waterproof Camera, High-Quality 32-page scrapbook, Bleach (1qt), and these 4 quality road-kill cutters:

That's right, we have four high-quality .5mm teflon-coated steel cutters, each with their own size and weight allowance:

Cute Little 1 lb. Mouse
Adorable 3 lb. Bunny
Precious Lil 8lb. Schnauzer
Huggable 35 lb. Llama

(photos not to scale)The first 200 orders include the 'How to Scatter Your Road-Kill Cut Corpse' pamphlet - (don't make the mistake of drawing attention with too many roadkills per mile), so ORDER TODAY!

Did you know that over 63% of all serial killers are apprehended as they revisit the graves of their conquests? With EtchCo's Corpse Cutters: The Road Kill Collection, you'll be able to drive right by their mouldering remains every day and never raise an eyebrow. Now that's satisfaction you can take to the bank! ORDER NOW!

Overheard

"Seriously. The sooner you stop chasing mythical girls with blue hair, the happier you'll be."

That'll Learn Ya!

While my sweetie was at work, I decided to sneak into the fridge and fry up a few strips of bacon that were officially reserved for our Sunday Morning Breakfast Together as a Couple.

I burned it - within seconds of being introduced to the pan, it was charred and black and inedible. Oh, and I set off the fire alarm too.

I have learned my lesson. :::head bowed in shame:::

Who, me?

I would never edit the past, posting in March to catch up on days I'd missed, making the rest of you look like slack-jawed yahoo's who can't be trusted to post regularly.

Nope.

Maybe it's just me...

Am I wrong?
Is 36 years old too young to be taking this many pills with breakfast?
Makes me worry how many I'll be taking at 60.

If you can correctly identify each pill, you get 10 points.
If you can tell me what that dark spot on my palm is, you get 1000 points.

Weird (Linky Linky Link Link)

I was looking something up about Blade Runner, and I was reminded of Sean Young (rawr), and remembered how she once had talked about how she hated the love scenes she had to do with Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman and then I looked up An Officer and a Gentleman on IMDB, and discovered that Sean Young was not in An Officer and a Gentleman - instead, it was Debra Winger I was thinking of, and the really weird thing is during this research, it was revealed that both actresses attended high school in Cleveland Heights, Ohio - now what are the odds that I would confuse two actresses that have such an odd connection?

Amateur Etymologismesque(ish)

Etymology is the study of word origins... 'Etymology' has a Greek basis, meaning true reason. One of the web sites I visit has a word of the day thingy, and today's word was:

Afflatus - a divine imparting of knowledge; inspiration.

This is suspiciously similar to another stuffy word...

Flatus - a fart, or toot. Also known as a butt quack.

I don't claim to know what this means, I'm just an amateur. But if I had to guess, I would say that tooting is a form of expression, maybe even divine. Don't hold back during those inter-departmental meetings. Share the wisdom, as it were.

But I play one on TV

We all think we're experts in everything, thanks to TV - if someone at work mentions a medical symptom, I dive right into a differential diagnosis. If something is lost or stolen, I turn into an impromptu CSI team. It's sad, really.

In some ways we're more savvy because of TV, in other ways, more deluded.

I bring this up because Cindy's car was keyed recently - we don't know if it happened while the car was at home or at work. Since she's a manager where she works, she wonders if she pissed someone off. Who knows? But I took a look at the key-scratch, and it goes like this:

I automatically decided (in my great wisdom) that it looked like an idle keying, not a "F*ck you bitch I hate you!" keying. This is the keyed/scratched pattern on her car, displayed here in yellow to best stand out:

Looks like an idle incident of vandalism, no? So it's not just me? Looks like a jerkoff teenager was wandering the parking lot with his key, and doo-dee-doo, let's scratch some cars at random. As a control, I have created several other possible scenarios - I think Car Keying/Scratching Vandalism Interpretation is a career I might go into - it's pretty cut and dry.

(Mouse over each pic for my interpretation)

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