A New Utility Company?

This is a snip of yesterday's Ctrl+Alt+Del comic, by Tim Buckley:

I think it's just a matter of time before clean air is being pumped into our houses, at a fee of course. Will we have airlocks? It'll mean a whole new thing for parents to yell at their kids about - "Do you think air grows on trees?..Close the damn airlock!"

Be Afraid

There's something forboding about this...

take my word for it

fennel cake is not the same as funnel cake

they're very different

and if you ask for your fennel cake with powdered sugar,

the waitress will laugh at you

not with you

Biting is good

Our cat is so smart - we're certain she's smarter than any other kitty out there. Thanks to us, of course! Granted, we can't take credit for her genetics, but it's clear that her environment has done wonders.

I built her a toy to chase, made of a short length of plastic pipe, a strand of dental floss, and a toy mouse. She loves it! Far more than any store-bought toy. Probably cause it smells like me. Yep.

As she pounces on the mouse, she doesn't try to hurt it - instead she pins it down with a paw and attacks the string - she's that smart. She's not wasting time or attention, she's going for the source.

It's easy to get in a rut. We go about our daily routine, and there are changes we want to make, but somehow we never get around to making them - rarely the important ones.

Often this is because we focus on the wrong problems or distracted by the day-to-day BS while our biggest issues go unresolved.

Attack the string.

it violated my tongue, it did.

In the olden days, there was Tech TV. This was Tech TV before it became the debased, crank-sniffing junkie that we know today as G4.

One of the my favorite segments on Tech TV was "Don't Buy This", where they featured a particularly crappy gadget, and described all the reasons not to buy it. Beyond the insight on that specific product, you gleaned ideas to judge future products you might buy.

In that same spirit, I give you Southern Tsunami Miso Soup.

Don't Buy This. Oh my dear lord, do not buy this. The smell alone compelled me to pour it in the sink, untasted.

Granted, it's my own fault for buying Just Add Water Miso Soup. It's also not encouraging that it is made in Chicago, IL. Not that Chicagoans can't make quality products, but a traditional Japanese soup is not one of them. This is the same law of nature which insists that quality picante sauce cannot be made in New York City.

For any of you that have not known the pleasures of Miso Soup, I suggest you get your ass to the nearest Japanese restaurant and order a few gallons. It's truly wonderful. I'd describe the flavor, but it would take far too long. It's delicious, sublime, and soothes the soul.

Real Life Conversation # 5

"How'd it go at the vet?"

"It went fine. She's a happy healthy kitty."

"Cool. She behaved for you?"

"Well, she pretended not to know me, but yeah."

"Soon she'll be asking us to drop her off a block away so we won't embarrass her."

What are the variables, please?

Extra Credit:

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Well first of all, it's a Woodchuck, so I must assume that it could or rather can chuck wood. The "if" phrasing makes one wonder if there is something impeding the woodchuck. Is it ill or infirm? Depressed? Recovering from pine-nut addiction? Since its health and vitality are not detailed, we must assume it is a healthy middle-aged woodchuck.

What the hell is a woodchuck, anyway? It's a groundhog, part of the squirrely family.

The question seems incomplete. What variety of wood? What's the elevation? Time of year? Is it a male or female woodchuck? How much time is allotted? What is the average chucking speed? What time does the fucking train leave Philadelphia?

Slipping into neutral

Let's say you're busy working away on your own, and something happens to distract you. It could be a phone call, or someone stopping by your desk with a stack of papers and a few questions - but something has broken your internal rhythm.

As people transition back into their internal focus, they often make a sound - usually the same one every time. It could be an 'ahem', a 'sniff', or many other noises.

What sound do you make when shifting mental gears?

Bittersweet

Reading an online mag this morning, I mused:
Wow, the quality of the writing here has really gone downhill lately.

And then in excitement I realized:
Maybe now they'll publish my stuff!

Using the Math

Flipping around the TV channels tonight, I was only half paying attention.

I landed on a channel where real-life family members were gathered together, crying and hugging and relating old stories about Billy Joe, and how great he was before all the Math.

His mom speaks up, tears streaming down her face. "Before the Math, Billy was in college. He had a 3.5 GPA and a management job at the sporting goods store."

Billy's father swallows hard. He's crying too. "I don't know my boy any more. It's the math. It's the damned math."

What the hell? I wondered, finally starting to listen. Did Billy Joe get sucked into the dark underworld of Quantum Physics, scribbling equations on the blackboard day and night? Is he trying to solve the Unified Field Theory? WTF?

Now Billy's sister is blubbering about how Billy stole her bike to pay for Math. I jabbed the button on the remote control, to check the title of the show - - -

METH: Family Intervention.

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No Reset Button

I've been pondering what my new career could be. Then I remembered Pushing Tin, an interesting look at the lives of two wacky Air Traffic Controllers.

ATC might be the thing for me! ..It's just like a video game - how hard could it be?

Just don't let any of those little dots touch one another.

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Oops - I just looked it up, and you have to be 31 years old or younger to become a new ATC. Since I'll be 35 next month, never mind. Hmph.

Real or Fake?

I came across an art post at deviantart.com - this is the finished product:

It was created from scratch with Adobe Illustrator, it seems. There's even screenshots of the progress, so you know it's true.

In the same vein, here's a picture of a cat in a windowsill that I made from scratch with crayons and glitterglue.

Is it just me, or does the pic of the girl seem fake? As in, a photograph of a real person, not art generated from scratch. Not that people aren't capable of such amazing feats of talent and skill, but...

I'll take the Brains. Gravy on the side?

...is just another way of saying "necrophilia".

Spelling with zombies!..Amaze your friends! Be the first kid on your block!

Another reason we'll never have a maid

...Eavesdropping on your mate baby-talking sweet nothings to the cat makes you jealous.

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It would make for interesting new Duracell ads

A story from CNN describes a new test used to determine whether or not CPR should be performed.

I have to wonder, though - if the test takes even 1 minute, isn't that 1 minute that could be better spent performing CPR? That's 1 more minute my brain is going without oxygen.

All of the organs suffer when your heart stops, but we hear the most about brain damage. I don't know about the other organs, but there should be something we can do about the brain.

How about - if you have a known heart condition, they install a teeny battery operated pump to circulate and oxygenate the blood just in your head? If the sensor detects that your heart has stopped, the pump would go to work. It might help give you another few minutes.

Keep those batteries charged.

It's Quiet. Too Quiet.

I have 3 points to make today:

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1) Any minute now, a chilling story out of Amsterdam - MP3 players are proven to cause tongue cancer. It's not true, but that doesn't mean I don't expect to hear it.

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2) I don't like those longer forks. Salad forks I guess they are. They seem pretentious, and me no likee.

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3) Where would I get an engraving machine? And who would teach me to use it? And how am I to afford the raw silver? What if I'm allergic?

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PS: For those of you who remember Snippets of Random Chaos with fondness- I've posted a slew of new stolen fragments. The rest of you can put your head down on your desks for a bit of quiet time.

Bridget is a Ho. Pass it on.

All too often, when someone hurts us we recoil and withdraw. We end the relationship and do our best to forget they ever existed. But this can lead to being hurt again, since you can more easily forget how nasty people can be.

Often, we have mementos of the relationship - ticket stubs, love letters, and photos. Some people like to burn all this memorabilia, but this is not the best way to heal. Oh no.

Instead of packing away all those old photos in a box, never to be seen again - display your detested person for all to see. With personalized Sparkling Negativity Frames from MikeCo!
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Did a lover screw you over? Did a friend tell your most precious secret? Did Bridget kiss Bobby when she knew he was yours all yours?

Sparkling Negativity Frames are the answer! Operators are standing by!

1st Church of Clavinism

Since I grew up reading Sci-Fi, watching PBS, and now watch virtually nothing but the various Discovery Channels, I fancy myself a Science Guy.

(In the same sad way Cliff Clavin was an expert on everything)

However, a lot of the science that's being touted as WOW! breakthroughs these days strikes me as either shrug-worthy or deserving of rolling eyes.

Such as this one: Moon's odd bulge finally explained.

Since the Moon was once new, its orbit was still a bit wonky. Since it was molten, it deformed as it rotated and cooled, and so is not sphere-shaped, but wider around the middle (from eating all that moon cheese?)

Obviously we have to do the actual testing to confirm what we believe are the reasons for certain formations - the scientific method is extremely important - but really, wasn't this reasoning pretty damned intuitive? Why did it take until 2006 for someone to confirm this?

Not long ago, I read another article where a scientist was describing the confusion with why the Moon's maria (giant floodplains of lava - the large dark areas we can see from Earth) exist only on the Earth side, and not on the far side.

Maybe I've oversimplifying things, but it occurs to me that maybe, just maybe it's because of the Earth's gravity? Hmmmm? If the moon can have such an effect on the Earth's tides, imagine the effect of Earth on Moon lava.

But I don't know anything - I'm just a Clavinist.

No historical underpants, thank you

As open-minded as the 21st Century has become, acceptable fashion still falls within a pretty narrow margin.

If it was perfectly acceptable to wear clothing from any time period, movie, TV show and etc - what would you be wearing?

I'd probably end up wearing the standard 't-shirt and jeans' ensemble on most days, just for comfort. If I had to attend a formal occasion, perhaps the late 1700's gentleman thing - the whole wig-and long coat look. (Though I don't know about the tights...) the Musketeer garb is pretty snazzy too.

What kind of nerd would I be if I didn't admit that the Star Trek uniforms are pretty cool - I'm thinking the latter years of The Next Generation.

If everyone dressed any way they wanted, what would you be wearing?

Bill, NO! It's not true!

IMDB is, as you probably know - The Internet Movie Database. We've gotten into the habit of having an IMDB window open as we watch Movies and TV - there's always someone mysterious in the cast - one of those "Who is that guy? He's so familiar..."

So it's no surprise that as we watched the new BBC program Hustle (airing on AMC, rather than BBC America for some reason...) we said "Who's that girl?".

We meant Jaime Murray - an actress with an interesting look and more than a little sex appeal. So we looked her up: "Daughter of Bill Murray, currently lives in Essex..."

Just then there was a huge clap of thunder right over our heads, and pebble-sized hail began pelting the windows. We did the prudent thing - unplugged all our electronics and waited.

"She's Bill Murray's daughter."

"What? No."

"Really!"

"Wow, ok."

After the storm, we forgot about researching Jaime further. But it haunted me. Bill Murray? Bill Murray of Stripes, Ghostbusters, and Lost In Translation? Jaime's dad? It didn't feel right.

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In the shower - "How could Bill Murray have such a gorgeous daughter? He's not an attractive man. Talented, to be sure, but not handsome."

In the car - "How could Jaime be Bill Murray's daughter? How?"

In line at the grocery store - "Bill Murray's daughter? No. Did they have paternity tests in the 70's? I'll bet her mother lied. God! All these years, Bill Murray has dutifully been sending those child-support checks to Britain, and for what? She couldn't possibly be his daughter."

Bill needed to know. I would send Bill a letter. But first I needed to do some more research. I didn't want to come off like a wacko. I needed proof. Maybe even a sample of her DNA. First, let's double-check the IMDB listing, shall we...

"Jaime Murray is daughter of Billy Murray, who is best known for his role in EastEnders."

I felt a mix of "HA! I was right!" and "Boy do I feel stupid.", which is a pretty typical state of mind for me. I'm just relieved for Bill Murray. I was worried about him.

Taunting Cat = Bad Idea

Your day will come, Squirrel Fiend!

Call Hollywood! Wait. Nevermind.

I have this great concept for a sitcom - I could be this guy with an ordinary job, and every week he has a new hare-brained scheme. Comedy gold!
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What's that you say? It's already been done 500 times? Oh. Oh I see.
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Well then, I'll just leave this list of hare-brained schemes as a recap of the ideas I've had over the past year. The oldest are listed first.
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They are NOT episode ideas. Nope.
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~~~~~
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Bandolier of Manly Showering Supplies
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Softer-Touch Keyboard and Mouse
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‘Go Assist’ Bike Gizmo
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Ice Climbing With the Stars
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Complete Digestive Bypass
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GO Light
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PortionSafe
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Travel Pods
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iHouse
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Infra-Red Microwave Display
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Behavior Modification Dog
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Quacking Katsup
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Rent-a-Rooftop
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The Bathroom Bastard
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How am I driving?
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The Man Shade
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Mushroom Messages
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Always Frozen sticker
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TV Diner
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Great Illustrated Classics Prints
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Cut and Print!

As of today, I'm officially unemployed! Cindy makes good money, but I'll need at least a part time job to cover the bills and luxuries. What to do? Go to school and get a degree, I suppose.

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I would love to write for a living - but could I be prolific enough? Could I sell enough? Even if I wrote like crazy, it could take years to build up the necessary inertia money-wise. I do plan to get my ass in gear and get writing, asap.

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I'll need something on the side. A home-based business would be good, or maybe I can make money with one of my ideas.

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Like this one - Great Illustrated Classics is a series of books adapted for kids - there are nearly 70 in all (you can purchase all 66 for $400.00) and they feature the whole story alternating 1 page of text, with 1 page of art depicting the scene.

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Unlike many "books for kids", the art used in Great Illustrated Classics is very good - I've always liked it. If I hadn't loved the books so much as a kid, I would have taken them apart and hung the pages as art.

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I came across a display of these books a few weeks ago at a drugstore of all places, and I spent a good 10 minutes flipping through them. The art was still damn good, even from my grown-up viewpoint (this opinion is tinged more than a bit with nostalgia, I'll admit).

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My question for those of you familiar with the books is, if (ahem!) someone licensed the art and offered them as prints (say, 16x20) at a reasonable price - (just the print, or framed and matted) - are there enough nostalgic adults out there who would buy them?

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I'd only print them after they were ordered, so overhead would be pretty low...