TMI?

Cate Blanchett can do no wrong. She's fascinating to watch, whatever she does.

Most recently, she's sharing her talents in I'm Not There - a film about the life of Bob Dylan, and she's uncannily compelling. I don't give a damn about Bob Dylan, but watching Cate's clips in the trailer makes me want to see the film.

Good thing she doesn't (seem to) have aspirations to be a cult leader - I would be unable to resist her (let's surmise...) maniacal machinations to control the world's soybeans.

You've heard the old saying "I'd listen to so-and-so read the phone book"? I'd pay to see the three hour documentary Cate Blanchett - Flossing and Tweezing.

Nuh Uh

I did not skip a week of blogging, you are mistaken.

Little Help!

What's the urbane, professional response when you're in the midst of a tech support phone call with a customer, and they ask you what you're wearing?

Typo of the day

The moist important thing about buying a camera you'll actually use is size - a tiny camera for your pocket that you don't mind getting beat off.

.

Real Life Conversation #32

Have you smelled this yuca? It smells like something...

Wait - does it smell like yuca?

Duh. Here, smell this.

:::Sniff sniff::: Maybe a mixture of bread and potatoes?

(As Nemisis in Resident Evil 3) "CARBS!"

When will I learn?

Cindy and I always agree on each spending X amount on Christmas. Then she spends X + $50, and I'm scrambling to catch up, each year. Here I am, the week before Christmas, in the same boat once again.

Nope Nope Nope

If I owned bongo drums, I would never put stickers on them.

A fresh twist on a classic

You know the old saying "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

From a very young age, I've always thought this saying was BS. Of course it makes a sound! Sound waves are made up of vibrations, duh. This is simple physics.

I think a much better angle would be to say "If the swamp belches up gas, and no one is there to sniff it, does it make a smell?" since smell is a perception, and sound waves are not.

The best show you've never seen... or maybe you have, how should I know?

If you haven't yet, you should check out Pushing Daisies on ABC.

Witty and fun.

Pushing Daisies is from the same guy who made Dead Like Me and Wonderfalls, btw... and if that doesn't convince ya, I don't want to know you.

An unsettling trend

It seems the less I have to say, the less I have to say... must remedy this.

I've like, Totally Arrived

Used to be, if you googled MC Etcher, it would come right up with "Did you mean MC Escher?" which it still does... But now it sez "Etch A Sketch Attention Span" right after that. I guess a 1000 or so posts is all it takes to be #2 on a semi-witty typo.

Woot!

So Very Wrong

I was at a bookstore the other day, browsing through the calendars. Brothers and sisters, there were a lot of calendars. None of them jumped out to make me want to purchase them, except perhaps Extreme Ironing. There were several displays of 2008 calendars, all parallel to one another. I'd catch a glimpse of one, and head to the next display to check it out, only to discover it was dull and boring upon closer inspection.

Just beyond the calendar displays were the bargain books, on all sorts of topics from art, history, architecture, and so on. At first glance, I was horrified to see what I thought was this:
.
.
But it turned out to be a historical book, not a calendar. Can you imagine the sort of person who would want gruesome atrocities on the wall, A NEW GRISLY SCENE EACH MONTH?? Run away!

In case you haven't noticed

I'm kinda dropping out of the "blogging 5 days a week" cycle. When I first started blogging, I wanted to prove to myself that I could have the discipline to write every day, which I did for a few years, go me!

I'm gonna be posting on an occasional schedule for a while... I'll still be reading all your blogs though, so keep on posting!

An observation

For adult-type peoples, they were surprisingly entertained with the toys in my trunk.

I'd never use my HUD to track hot girls. Never Ever.

If I had a HUD (Heads Up Display) in my car, it would be fun and handy to tag moronic drivers using my car's on-board computer.

Let's say some Idiot (as I term them) whips out into traffic, cutting across three lanes of traffic to make a left turn before the light changes. I could hit a button, and my car computer would store the license plate of the idiot.

Then, on any other day when the idiot was driving around me, even if they were behaving for the moment, they'd show up as a red blip on the HUD, and if they drove in front of me, I could see a big IDIOT sign tagged to their car.

People in my area could upload to an online forum, and share tags if they liked, increasing the size and accuracy of the local database. This would help all of us keep an eye on these morons, give them a wide berth and avoid situations of the crash-and-dent variety.

True Dat

If bunnies didn't want to get eaten, they wouldn't be so delicious.

Real Life Conversation #31

I listened to the song, a lot.

And?

It's a really good song. Probably her best.

See? Told you. And retro, somehow.

Yeah, like a 50's throwback Big-Band sound with 80's Electronica elements. With today's Hip-Hop sensibilities in the beat scheme.

Um, sure.

I just pulled that out of my ass, by the way.

Good job.

If Cats Cared for Broadcast Journalism**

"We all groom ourselves with our tongues, but we'll tell you the three deadly places to lick yourself...Tonight on the Fox 4 11 O'clock News."
.
.
.
**I would have said "If Cats Ruled the World", but of course they already do.

Most Thoughtfullest Warlord Ever

While playing an RTS (Real Time Strategy) game this weekend, I noticed that one of my little peasants had been busting his butt for an hour gathering water. Another peasant had been busting his butt for an hour gathering rice.

In my mercy, I decided to switch them, so they wouldn't get too bored. (Or Carpel Tunnel). Damn I'm thoughtful. No one else would take the time. I mean really.

Oops, I made one healer too many -- I'll just have her jog on over to the enemy base all alone so they can kill her. Sorry sweet thing, but Daddy has an empire to build.

Real Life Conversation #30

Do you like Tori Amos?

Is this a trick question?

Over-eating for symmetry's sake

I remove 1 egg from the old carton, and 1 egg from the new carton... I feel a little mental push to eat 3 eggs this morning, just so we'll have an even number of eggs.

I resisted! Yes! A personal victory! :::and the crowd goes wild:::

If / Then Statements

If 75 miles per hour feels slow, you've been Bad.

If running out of baby oil is your biggest problem, you're about to be.

Yay! Monday!

Something to do!
.

Finder's Keepers

I have about a 40 mile commute to and from work, and every day I see all sorts of cars left all alone by the side of the road. Some of them sit there for weeks.

Guess it's time to get a tow truck and start making myself some money... Well, and a compactor. And a smelter.

Wonder if I can get them on the installment plan?

Life is good

Trust me. Click the link.

ROFL
.
.

Sing the song sounds like she's singin

I'm 90% more likely to like a song if the singer is a woman. Why is this? Why do I want women singing to me?

Hmm. Clearly a power trip thing. Clearly. Sing to me, you sweet young thing.

I'll take The Rapist for 1000, Alex

I drive past a kid who's fumbling with the broken chain on his bike, and I'd like to help, but I don't have any tools. And I'm headed to Best Buy to blow some cash. Plus, what if his parents came along? Would they think I was being helpful? Or trying to kidnap their kid?

I remember when I was liitle, wondering why adults didn't step in and help out more often. Once, when I was like 5 or 6 years old, I decided to pretend my legs were broken, and use my arms to drag myself along the sidewalk for about half a block. No one stopped to check on me. Would I stop if I saw a kid crawling along? Probably not.

No Wow, by The Kills

(strangely catchy)

this aint no wow now
they all been put down
this aint no wow no more

this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now this aint no wow now

Green Green Green Green

I know we're spoiled, we replace things instead of fixing them (hey, my parents have had the same microwave for 20 years - it's gone through like 3 magnetrons) but it gets even worse than that. I want to replace things because they get gunk in all the little cracks and crevices.

Yep, going straight to Hell, I know.

A Boyhood Dream of Quadraplegism

The kid in me still desperately wants a lightsaber. Unfortunately, I'd end up lopping my limbs off in the first 30 seconds, so it's all for the best.

She'll be so surprised!

Keri Hilson, of The Way I Are fame, will be mine, oh yes.

(Keep this on the down-low - she doesn't know yet.)

Gosh

I give good advice. I wish I listened to myself more.

Easy for me to say, but it's hard to take a guy like me seriously. I mean, the fashion sense? The hair?

And dude? You totally walk like a Muppet.

Best Laid Plans

I was gonna get bagels for everyone on my way to work today. But then, the only bagel place on the way is a tiny Mom-N-Pop, and they don't take credit cards, and I'm out of cash, and it's not really on the way anyway, and I'd need to stop at the ATM, and in the end I'd have to leave an hour early for something that was supposed to be a nice but unnecessary little gesture.

Fuck it.

That Ain't Sanitary, Yo

Let's say you're in the bathroom at work, taking care of some sulfurous business... When the transaction is complete, you have to pull up your pants, tuck in your shirt, buckle your belt, retie your bow tie, reconnoiter your spats, and so on, before you can even leave the stall to head to the sink and wash up.

Whose bright design idea was this? Why is there no tiny little rinse-and-dab sink plus auto-dispensing soap right there in easy reach next to the toilet, low, close, and readily available before you even consider standing up?

Who wants poop cooties on their pants, belt, and shirt? I can tell you sir, it is not me.

A little light reading

I check mail in the mornings, since the mailbox is waaaay in the back of the apt complex, and I walk around the complex every morning anyway.

This morning I received my gift-that-keeps-giving magazine subscription from last XMas, the latest issue of Wired. It was spitting rain, so I bent the mag in half and tucked it under my arm.

Early-morning commuters were getting into their cars to head to work (ere daybreak, the poor fools) and driving past me on their way to the freeway.

In my shorts and sleeveless shirt, with the magazine tucked under my arm, I was suddenly embarrassed - it felt like I was taking a long walk to the bathroom, and everyone knew...

Overheard at work

Girl1: "Damn. I need some sustenance up in me."

Girl2: "WHAT?"

Mad Men

Have you guys seen Mad Men on AMC? It's a great show - very well written and acted, and a fascinating window into the world that was 1960. If you haven't yet, take the time to check it out - you won't be disappointed!

iPhone is the Answer!

I've been wanting a thumbdrive to protect and carry my important files. Why buy one, when I could store data with an iPhone. I want a digital voice recorder - I could do that with an iPhone. I want to be able to surf the web while on lunch at work - iPhone. I need a new kidney - iPhone.

Whatever you do, don't watch this.

Early Morning Walk

(30 minutes before first light...)

"Chirp Chirp Tweet!"

"Wow, you're an early bird! Who's gonna get the worm? It's you!"

"I don't eat worms. I eat bugs!"

"No rush then."


Why is it - whenever I personify something, it has a contrary or sarcastic attitude? What does that say about me? Hey, that could be a useful direction for psychology, Personification Analysis.

Avoid the rush

If you feel the need to tell your sister "be careful they don't follow you home" and "you might want to wear a disguise" you'll probably want to start worrying now, to get a head start.

Memory Stick

little green post-it note
thanks to you
I don't have to remember the home voicemail number
(why do we have a home phone, anyway)

little green post-it note
you've been stuck to my whiteboard
for a year now
the E in HOME is a bit scrunched
the top and middle arms run together
and this troubles me a bit
but not enough to fix it

Hi Def Lemon Pledge

Craig's recent post reminds me that I've considered giving up watching television...

I mean, I waste so many hours every day just sitting there, mouth open. Think of how many useful things I'd get done without TV. I remember long ago, before I owned a TV, I spent at least an hour every day just cleaning and straightening the house, just for something to do. Of course, once I'm dead, no one would remember me for having a sparkling kitchen floor, from which you could at any time cheerfully eat spaghetti.

Ahh, I'd just find something else to distract me.

You GO Girl!

My new job deals with cosmetology software. As a guy, it's a completely foreign world of mani's and pedi's and waxings and threadings and dreds and dye chemistry and relaxers and on and on.

If eight years in Los Angeles didn't, a year of this should make me fully Metro.

Etcher's Law #3

"When in doubt, remember SPAJA!"

(Some People Are Just Assholes)

4 Letter Words

Damp is a good word for Florida. So's dank. The whole place is a freakin swamp, thank-you-very-much.

(Isn't so's. just such a vulgar word in print?)

This said, it's not surprising that I often have condensation on my car windows in the mornings. Sometimes I even take the time to dry my windows with a paper towel before driving off to work - - not that it helps.

Within 60 seconds, the condensation is back - since the temperature and humidity are just so, just so I can't see out of my windows and have to roll them down before a left or right turn, and sometimes even before changing lanes on the freeway. Now that I have power windows, this process is slightly less aggravating.

You'd think that rolling down the windows would wipe the condensation clear, but it doesn't - the glass has to have room to slide without too much friction, since friction would tax the motors. Rolling windows down will clean part of the window, but inevitably not the part you need, to use your mirrors.

The truly irritating part (whenever I see or type the word truly, I think back to English class, when we were learning business letter formats and the correct spelling of truly) is that car-makers have not created a solution to this. They could put those little metal heating strands (found only in rear windows, it seems) in all the windows - that would solve it. But no. They could find another way to heat and so clear the window, but no.

So how about this? On the outside you affix a low-profile, long and narrow rubber squeegee that sits on the door at the base of and running the length of each window. When you roll the window down, it is cleanly and gently squeegeed of water, bugs, and other debris. The outflow would be a carefully calculated angle to prevent the gunk from ending up inside the car! Yow!

The auto-squeegee is the perfect EtchCo product! All we need is a good name! Ideas?


*Also, if this product already exists, please tell me what it's called and where to buy it. Thank you.

Paging Doctor Girlfriend...please pick up a white courtesy phone...

While no one mistakes me for a woman over the phone, I've never felt that my voice is as deep as it should be. If I'm meeting or interacting with manly men types (mechanics, plumbers, pro quarterbacks) I find myself putting on a deeper voice, getting into man-mode or some shit.

I have to wonder - maybe most guys don't have that deep a voice either, they just started putting on a fake deeper voice in their teens, never stopped, and now they think it's their real voice.

Maybe I need some deep voice gas?

Real Life Conversation #29

(Though she is definitely spayed, the cat thinks she's in heat)

Aww, look at the kitty in your lap! How cute is that?

Bah, it's just cause she has itchy booty and is looking for an O.

She's always in your lap - what's her excuse the other 364 days a year?

Anticipation.

Retraction!

You know that babbling about getting back into the longer, in-depth, meaningful posts? Yeah, I forgot something important - - I was blogging from work back then, and that aint* gonna happen no more. Also, I'm a lot less chatty now that I'm caffeine free. Hemingway had liquor, I had stimulants. Whatchoogonnado?

*Wait, shouldn't there be an apostrophe in ain't? Should someone really worry about correctly punctuating ain't? Hmm.

3 topics, 4 Words (Enhanced!)

Bionic Woman -

needed 2 part premiere

(why no sound effect?)

Chuck -

great fun hubba hubba

(girl's not bad either)

Journeyman -

good but too serious

(dead girl is hot)

TMI

The best way to enjoy music, books, or any art form seems to be distancing yourself from news and gossip about the artist. Learn as little as possible about them, treat each creation like an archaeological find – all you will ever know about them is what this artifact tells you. Let each work of art tell its own story.

It's very easy to get pulled in to an artist's world. Compelling imagery can entice you to take the next step and learn more about the person and their life. The art makes you relate to them, and it's natural to want more. It's important to resist this temptation. It's a rare artist that lives up to expectation.

A song that you found so poignant, so touching - that song you felt was about you, as if someone read your journal and wrote out your pain, longhand, in musical form. When you look deeper, you realize that Artist X didn't write that song at all. It was written by J.P. Hollingsworth in 1847, a professional songwriter who wrote the piece on commission for a play (Le Belle Du Chelle) celebrating the use of pork sausage.

So that artwork, your latest favorite, has lost its power and punch. And this person, who you felt such a connection with, wasn't abused as a child after all – he just did a cover tune.

An artist that seemed to be a virtuoso turns out to be false, a deep soul thanks only to the magic of editing.

Damn, they're married. Wasn't it a lot more sexy to think of them as single? Why deny yourself the brief and simple thrill of imaging yourself as their partner? And married four times, no less. Their obvious snap decisions and bad taste are a turn off.

Might discovering the artist's politics, sexual orientation, treatment of animals, preference for young boys, affect your appreciation of their art? Are you going to burn all of your The Who albums because Pete Townshend is accused of kiddy porn?

Interviews are to be avoided. Artists aren't public speakers, regardless of the messages often broadcast though their work. Typically, the more you discover about an artist, the less respect you have for them. They go from this great sensitive, emotional wellspring to an average, flawed person who wants nothing more than a huge mansion and eight BMW's in their twelve car garage. Oh - and some closure.

It often becomes clear that more than wanting to make world changes, they want personal change. Something hurt them, and they are venting their pain. They weren't speaking to you at all, it just seemed that way. Avoid too much information, and maintain the mystery.

3 Years!

I've been blogging since August of 2004! What happened over the last year though? Most of my posts have become short little quips. Where are all the long rambles about neat invention concepts? I'll have to get back into that*. Unless I'm just all out of ideas...

.

.

*...uhh...tomorrow.

Real Life Conversation #28

Help help I'm a battered husband!

You're about to be.

I'd go to work all bruised and have to claim I ran into a door. Uh... Repeatedly.

Make it a revolving door?

Ha! Good one.

Come on now...

When people say "no regrets", I wonder how sincere they are. Do they truly have no regrets, or are they worried that by changing the negative things, some positive things would be lost in the timeline re-shuffle?

Me? I wish I'd gotten a degree immediately after high school, since I still haven't.

a budget diagnosis

If you can somehow manage to actually forget to feed a cat, you just might have Alzheimer's.

Would it be so hard?

More and more news stories are delivered as video clips - this is fine, especially for something especially suited to footage. But if it seems that too often, news stories are being offered as video clips only. Would it be so hard to have a text version?

I like to scan/skim through a news story and glean the parts I want - trying to do that with a video is a lot more frustrating.

NOOOOOOOO

During the first day at my new job yesterday, it became unavoidably clear that the glasses I was prescribed about 7 months ago and have since worn for only 20 hours total have become a necessity, at least at work.

Attention Science Folks!

Did you know that millions of people are allergic to nuts? It's crazy. The brainy people should come up with some sort of inoculation for humans, using squirrel RNA or some such.

You're welcome! I only ask for 5% of the profits.


PS: Don't look up "allergic" in Google Image Search.

Scavenging for DNA?

Why does this gum disposal have a lock on it? Are there used-gum connoisseurs trolling the streets, looking for these sticky (and delicious!) cache?
.

Congratulations, it's a Gizmo!

My Dad is retiring in February, after working for the last 50 years or so. He's very handy and sharp, and in his spare time, he'll become an inventor.

Maybe I should tell him about this plan - he has no idea.

Maybe it's just me

Have you guys seen this article about disposal of used hypodermic needles in old soda cans? The miracle is in the lid!
.

.
Am I the only one that thinks this is a bad idea?

Aluminum cans:

- aren't known for their durability (at 0.019 thousandths of an inch)
- are an item people are likely to dig through the trash to find
- are made of one of the few endlessly recyclable materials

If the lids work exactly as the designers hope they will, this means thousands of cans in landfills, forever - a waste of perfectly recyclable aluminum.

If scavenging folks collect these cans, will recycling centers accept them with a "totally tamper proof" plastic lid, full of needles? No. When you realize a soda can is readily cut through with a butter knife, how tamper proof is it?

Is this plastic biodegradable? Of course not - that would impede the safety, wouldn't it? Just what we need, more plastic in the landfills.

Is a can better than previous solutions? Yes.
Prize-worthy? A good solution? No.

Real Life Conversation #27

He watches her from the living room via the kitchen passthrough.

She opens the snack cupboard, frowns, and looks at him, disappointed.

I know! I know! Unfrosted Pop Tarts. I grabbed the wrong box.

Hee Hee Hee

Have you guys seen this? Wonderful!

Grrr

Those soy-milk commericals with the bipedal talking cows really annoy me.

That is all.

Etcher's Law #48

If your peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't get jelly all over your hands, you didn't use enough.

That kid is BACK ON THE ESCALATOR!

What would possess people, lots and lots of people, to drive motorcycles and scooters in FLIP FLOPS? I saw no less than 7 people doing this today. Not to mention that they were wearing shorts, tank tops, and NO HELMETS.

Waste of a memory stick

My sister and her hubby are on their way back to Cleveland. They enjoyed Florida, but only managed to take 1 picture while they were here. They have a digital camera, so they really have no excuse.

I told her I'd find her some pics online of the attractions they visited - I wonder if there are digital collections for just such lazy people - did you visit Orlando? Buy the Orlando Pics Pack, 500 photos for just $9.99. They could superimpose you in front of a few choice pics, for an additional fee.

Florida - Realizations

My sister and Brother-in-Law are visiting from Cleveland, Ohio. During their drive from Ohio to Florida, they've come to realize that:

A) Florida is still largely empty
B) There are far more cows and horses than orange trees.
C) Far more evergreen trees than palm trees

D) Sonic rocks!
.

Sunshine State, My Ass

My sister is arriving today, visiting Florida from Ohio. She was dismayed to discover that it will rain, storm, and otherwise enmoisten the state for her entire visit. Welcome to my world.

Name That Yarn Contest - Results!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Here to announce the winner of the first ever FictionInteractive.com's Name That Yarn Contest, is Bakodasha McDywbs, a deleted character from the never written Space Opera 4263 - Doomed Scourge of Yargos.

(Bakodasha floats onstage in evil green hoverboots, her wiry tentacles flexing with barely-restrained fury)

"Ahem. Hem. Damn it, how does this. Oh. And the winner is... Kato, for his entry Long Way Home. His prize - deep satisfaction tinged with a glickspok of glee."

Thunderous applause across a double dozen star systems unites the galaxy in song, 200 billion creatures inexplicably joining in a spontaneous remix of I'd Like to Buy the Universe a Coke.

Real Life Conversation # 26

(gestures to his sandwich) Want a taste?

No thanks. I don't really care for your meat.

Blink.

Uh, that is - uh, your salami.

Blink.

Ahem: I don't enjoy the flavor of this variety of Oscar Meyer luncheon meat. Damn.

Credi-Bull #15

Credi-Bull - a news item that might be fact, or might be fiction.

When playing, please avoid definitive answers like "I know this is true, I saw it on the news last night."..Instead, couch your vote as a "guess" - this will help ensure that everyone gets an unbiased chance to play!

Pious geeks in Lothburn, Ohio have turned to computers to transmit their worship. Using what they call the "Lost Text Prayer Method", they transmit their hopes, dreams, and well-wishings via PC keyboards.

Clicking their mouse on a blank portion of screen, these techies type their Hail Mary's into the ether that is WiFi. Nothing can be seen of what they type... At least, not by mortals.

"Prayer is prayer, no matter the medium," declares Arthur Small, the leader of the group.

Real or Fake?
(Vote in the 'comments' section, answer to be revealed there on Tuesday).

Mebbe a good cuff or two

In my fun and exciting search for a different job, I keep coming across a job posting for an Early Intervention Coordinator.

Every time I see it, I imagine that in this job you'd spend your time in public places, making judicious use of a belt, so punks don't become assholes.

Yep, middle age is here.

Naming, Naming, Naming

The #2 rule in Real Estate.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm just itching for a dip!
.

Remember?

Did you guys ever play with rub-on transfers growing up?

I think it was the very early 80's... You had a preprinted background scene, and then something like wax paper with colorful art of little characters, equipment, explosions, and so on.

You'd find your desired background location, and then rub a pencil on the opposite side of the art, transferring it to the background.

Hee hee! This guy is sneaking up on that guy! Oops, this guy is about to slip and fall off the cliff! Wow, this guy went flying from the explosion, he's in pieces!

I remember playing with a The Empire Strikes Back .version, and having a grand old time. Do they still make these sorts of toys? I haven't seen them, and I tried Googling it, but mebbe I'm using the wrong terms.

This is the closest thing I can find.

Streaming internet radio

Crummy songs = infinite
# of skips allowed per hour = too damned few

No Contest

So, let's say a friend is making sweet sweet love to his good lady wife, and out of nowhere he comes up with a brilliant new technique, revolutionizing sweet sweet love for all time.

Once the bliss of afterglow fades, it turns into a WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT interrogation. Hours of bright lights, yelling, stale coffee, cigarette smoke, brass knuckles, yikes. This is a place where Good Cop / Bad Cop are names tattooed on fists.

Held without bail. Eeep!

Commiserate with us

Cindy has Jury Duty today, first time ever.

She does her damnedest to avoid interacting in any kind of bureaucratic process, if just on the slight chance a sudden bout of Tourette's will seize her, loud cries of "CONTEMPT!" will follow, and she'll end up in the pokey.

It's about 50/50. Wish her luck.

Odd

If I tell you I'm going to do something, I damned well do it.

(on time and under budget, natch)

If I tell myself I'm going to do something, I give up before it's done.

Maybe I should stop talking to myself and just talk to y'all.

Name That Yarn Contest!

Have you entered the FictionInteractive Name That Yarn Contest. yet?

We've got a bunch of entries for the title of the story - soon I'll choose the best one. The winner gets a credit on the web site and bragging rights for all eternity.

Here's the story - A woman is on her way to work in her luxury car when she's carjacked at a turnpike tollbooth and has to fight off the assailants, who are trying to force her to drive home so they can molest it and pilfer her. Wait, no... Well, you get the idea.

Here are all the entries so far - think you can do better? Prove it!

Sunny - Driving the OTHER Miss Daisy

Paulius - PollyAnna Jones and the Turnpike of Doom
Paulius - Carrie Trotter : The Prius of Fear

Blandwagon - The Phantom Tollbooth... of Death!

Kato - Tragedy on the Turnpike
Kato - Gasoline Dreams
Kato - Death Drives Stick
Kato - Wrong Turn
Kato - One-Way Street
Kato - No Entry
Kato - The Long Way Home
Kato - Route 187
Kato - Ride or Die
Kato - One Last Errand
Kato - Oil Change of Death
Kato - The Wheels of Fate

SQ - Can't Buy My Love with a Token
SQ - Jettas are for Everyone
SQ - Meet Slinky, Sly Szlovak
SQ - Zombie Robot Monkey Pirates on the South-bound Turnpike (of Doom)
SQ - Code Name: Hum Bird 3
SQ - Home is a Three Letter Word
SQ - Tickle Me Turnpike

Real Life Conversation # 25

Hey, beekeeping would be a good way to make money.

Eew?

Many farms need to hire beekeepers, to have dedicated hives for their crops.

Why can't wild bees handle it?

Bees are getting more rare. Some say Sylar is killing them.

SYLAR?

No!..Cellular...As in, phones. Jeez.

Truly Escapist Entertainment

Have you guys read any of Jasper Fford's books?

Great, fun stuff - it's set in a world where literary crimes (in the 'real' world as well as within books themselves) have their own police divisions, skilled people can pop into a the pages of a story, interact with its characters, solve crimes, correct errors, barter and trade (AA batteries and nylons are prime items), and even help bored characters exchange into other novels - for the - er, novelty of it.

It's all silly and quippy and fun, especially if you're up on your classics and your history, and can spot what's awry. I highly recommend these books, if you're in the mood for a change of pace. Start withThe Eyre Affair. Go!

.

What's up with that?

The commercials for Progressive insurance have been grating my nerves lately. They're still flogging the same horse they have been for years - "Gosh, I was just amazed that they gave me the rates of OTHER car insurance companies! Wow! That's amazing!"

It is a cool feature, but where have these people been for the past 10 years, that they're just now learning about this feature?

Because My Blog Has A "Pardon Our Dust" Sign Up During Renovations

Guest Post by Cindy

I've been told, usually by baby-happy couples and/or relatives, that having a pet is a great way to prepare for having a baby. Apparently the puppy I had as a teenager does not count as a trial-run, but rather an exercise in feeding, cleaning, disciplining..... oh, wait.

Lina was a grown cat at adoption, so the opportunities to practice the fine art of parenting were few. However, after staying up late partying (or reading, whichever you think more likely) last night and falling asleep around 2 am, it was to our groggy disbelief that the cat decided 6 am was time to rise and shine and open her can of beef feast in gravy. Now. Right Now. Immediately if not sooner. What the hell, can't you hear me meowing, feel me climbing around on your stomach and scratching your ankles? GETUPANDFEEDMEYOULOUSYEXCUSEFORAHUMAN

My lack of a set schedule has not adjusted hers apparently. So the cat is fed and all is right with the world. Except we can't fall back asleep. The room is too hot, the pillows too scratchy, the other person's breathing too loud, the numbers on the alarm clock too bright. Ok, you take the couch, I'll keep the hot and scratchy bed with the extra leg room. And still, nothing.

6:25 am - counting sheep, but losing track as Duke herds them into cryptic messages about secret recipes for margaritas - the company is branching out.
6:45 am - playing with the picture-in-picture between Dawson's Creek and The Weather Channel. Pacey says it's going to be a hot one in Capeside!
7:10 am - tip-toeing into the kitchen, past a lucky sleeping someone, to get a bottle of water, only to trip over the cat who thinks she can convince me her empty bowl was never filled this morning, clearly I am mistaken, meow?
7:25 am - turning on the treadmill and the turbo-fan, because a morning walk is good for you, but not if you pass out from heat exhaustion. Inside your apartment. Before breakfast.
7:50 am - wondering if 45 seconds at a 7.5 incline is worth bragging about? Deciding no, not if your speed was a 1.7
8:02 am - eating a cinnamon streusel muffin, because hey, I did an incline of 7.5
8:30 am - reading blogs and (gasp!) writing a post.
9:45 am - yawning, searching for automatic feeders online, 'cause damn.

Of course, a career in retail is still .the #1 form of birth control in my opinion.
Hungry cat, #2.

Yay!

Most of you will remember my intrepid better half, Cindy of Vicarious Living.

Thanks to my frequent pestering and your kind words in missing her, she's posting again!

She's a lot busier than I am, so I don't know how often she'll be posting, but yay, there's new Vicarious Living! She'll be guest-posting on Etch-A-Sketch Attention Span from time to time as well!

~~~~~

Don't forget to submit your entries for

FictionInteractive's Name That Yarn Contest!

It certainly seems that Kato is in the lead... But will he be victorious? Will you just LET him win?

2 Might Enter! 1 Will Win!

I'm working on my cheesy choose-your-own adventure project again. It's silly, but I'm having fun with it.

Here's where the competition comes in -

FictionInteractive's Name That Yarn Contest!

You guys submit candidates for the title of the story, and I'll choose the best one. The winner gets a credit on the web site and bragging rights for all eternity. Me? I get a good title - cause let's face it, you folks are a lot cleverererer than I am.

Here's the story, a simple and straightforward plot - A woman is on her way to work in her luxury car when she's carjacked at a turnpike tollbooth and has to fight off the assailants, who are trying to force her to drive home so they can molest it and pilfer her. Wait, no... Well, you get the idea.

All right! Hit me with your entries. Extra points for wit, cleverness and frolicsome pertness.

Keep Your Cell Phone Humming Happily

I lost a bet, and had to write an essay. Hey, now it's a post!

~~~~~

Most of us have no idea how a cell phone works – and unless they start acting up, we don’t give them a second thought. Once a cell phone starts misbehaving – watch out! It’s a hunk of junk, and clearly we were gypped by that sinister cell phone company!

Any electronic device can have issues – either problems with the basic design, a shipment of faulty circuits from a manufacturer, or even flawed software. Actually, most problems with most of the high-tech gizmos you own are caused by...You!

Modern cell phones are very much like mini computers – they do everything from telling time, taking pictures, playing games and music, even internet – and oh yeah, they make phone calls too.

There are a few very simple steps you can take to make sure your cell phone stays happy and healthy. First of all, be kind to your phone. Treat it as if it’s a fragile living thing. Leaving a phone on your car’s dash all day in the hot sun or leaving it in the car overnight to suffer through sub-zero temperatures are a sure way to shorten its lifespan.

Taking your phone with you to the kitchen, sauna, swimming pool or bathroom is a bad idea – sure, it might be fun to play a few hands of digital poker while you’re soaking in the tub, but the chances of dropping it into the soapy water or accidentally knocking it into toilet are too great. Even a high-priority call can wait during your call of nature – in any case, would you really want to answer the phone while so… preoccupied? As expensive as replacing a cell phone at full retail can be, think about this -would you carry a $300 bill (if they existed) around in your hand into wet and dirty areas?

A coworker told the group that she'd destroyed two phones in one year by dropping them into her tea. We recommended she invest in a sippy cup.

Take good care of your battery – it might be small, but it packs a lot of power. Never remove the battery while you’re charging – you could damage the phone itself. Also, don’t make or receive phone calls while charging – it can short circuit the phone, cause an electric shock or a fire. Many people wait until their battery is completely empty before recharging – this was necessary with older models, but the cells phones of today can be charged at any battery level without shortening the battery life.

One of the simplest things you can do to keep your cell phone happy is to turn it off. How many electric devices do you own that you never turn off? In the ‘your cell phone as a computer’ vein, you need to reboot it regularly. The phone runs on a battery – but more importantly, it runs on software.

Software tells the cell phone what its phone number is, where the nearby cellular towers are, which tower it’s currently using, and what the phone’s hardware capabilities and limitations are.

Hardware is the plastic and metal, buttons and battery. The software is hundreds of lines of computer code that tell the phone how to work. The hardware doesn’t change, but what might surprise you is that the software can and does change – your cellular provider (Cingular, Sprint, Verizon, etc) can transmit software updates to your phone at any time, sometimes several times a week.

However, if you never turn your phone off, the software update never gets put into use. The phone can’t fully upgrade its programming while you’re using it – that would be like trying to change a hot light bulb while it’s turned on. You could try, but why risk it?

Cell phone providers are constantly the process of upgrading their technology – new innovations and pressure from the competition means continuous improvement of the cellular network (hardware and software). So if your phone never has a chance to update, it falls behind bit by bit, like a kid missing day after day of school.

One day soon you’ll be too far out of date. Even with a strong signal, the phone can try to connect to the network – and fail! For the last few weeks, the class has been learning French, but you’ve been playing hooky. You show up just in time for the final test in French – bad dream? Bad day.

Turning your phone off for just thirty seconds at least a couple of times a week (once a day is best) will allow it to refresh its program, stay current and connected.

Taking care of your phone by keeping it warm, dry and up to date means that it will be more likely to be happily humming along and working when you need it.

Yow!

Oh Billy Mays, is there nothing you can't do?

.

What's an IKEA Hiring Event like?

I suspect it will involve lingonberries...
Tune in tonight!

~~~~~

All right! Now for the details. A few weeks ago, I was scheduled to attend an IKEA hiring event on 8/6/07. I searched online, but wasn't able to find out any details. What to expect? Math tests? Word problems? Something metric? FRACTIONS?

The whole thing was actually very laid back. It took about 4 hours. Here's a blow by blow, for anyone who might be curious in the future:

1) You come in the office door and get in line.

2) A gal at a table checks your name off a list.

3) A guy asks which department you're applying for and gives you a 8.5 x 11 piece of colored paper (purple was for my dept, Logistics - there were 4 or 5 other colors as well).

4) You're given an application, and allowed to find your own seat in a 20x30 room with 9 tables, one of these holds a laptop and projector.

5) You use a marker to put your name on the colored paper and make a little tent out of it.

6) You fill out the application, which is only 2 pages worth of fields, and the rest is disclosures about drug and ethics.

7) The application takes about 15 minutes to fill out, but they allow 30. It's good to make a point to chat with your tablemates, as your level and manner of interaction is constantly being gauged.

8) Soda and water are offered, there are tables up front with 4 or 5 different cookies, and there are several types of Swedish candy on your tables.

9) A short Powerpoint presentation about the company, its origins and etc.

10) Next, all the job applicants (45 of us) each stood up and introduced ourselves.

11) 10 minute break

12) Break up into teams, do fun activity for about 20 mins (no math or anything else challenging) - remember that your level and manner of interaction is constantly being gauged.

13) Present results of activity.

14) Break into new, larger teams for a construction activity (wood, rope, tape, foam, wire, string) for 30 minutes. Remember that your level and manner of interaction is constantly being gauged.

15) Present your finished construction - and prove its strength.

16) More IKEA overview - 10 mins worth

17) Q&A period for about 15/20 minutes.

18) The managers call out their applicants, some who were interviewed immediately - others (like myself) get appointments for the near future.

No allen wrenches.

Everyone was very friendly, upbeat, and laid back. The store location (Orlando) will have lockers for all workers, showers and changing rooms (to encourage biking to work). I could (and have) done much worse than work for IKEA - I'm really stoked about the chance to work for such an interesting company - in Los Angeles, we used to go to IKEA when we had to get out of the house - and it's hard to get out of there spending less than $100!

My interview is for tomorrow morning, wish me luck!

not a real knot

It's very weird - I can't tie a knot consciously.

Say I'm about to throw sweatpants into the washer, and I want to tie the waist-ropes together. Can't do it. My fingers fumble. Same thing happens if I try to tie shoes if they're not on my feet.

If I pull the article of clothing on, I have no problem tying the knot on the first try - I allow the knot to tie itself, somehow. But when I focus on it, it doesn't happen - because it's not a valid knot-tying situation? I know it's a simulation?

Is that a reason all my creative projects fizzle out, because I'm not committed enough? I know it's just for fun, and so I allow myself to be distracted? Or is it a Brain Crack phenomenon (as described by Kato and Paulius)?

I thought not taking myself too seriously meant that I would stay grounded, avoiding Pompous Ass Syndrome. It might be limiting my creativity too.

Real Life Conversation # 24

Damn it!

???

What the heck did you make my car insurance online password?

Did you look at the password hint?

Yeah it said "There is only one bear".

Right, so...

I don't know! Is it a Highlander reference?

Blink. No, it's (censored), you silly.

Ohhh, right right. I remember now.

I'm never going to be able to vanish mysteriously and expect you to piece together the clues to find the treasure, kill the henchmen and save me in the nick of time, am I?

Nope. Love you though.

Whaaa?

Here are a few side effects of a real drug used to treat Restless Leg Syndrome:

...Some patients taking Ropinirole have shown urges to behave in a way unusual for them. Examples are an unusual urge to gamble or increased sexual urges...

When I heard the 'gambling' bit of the commercial, I was sure I'd misheard, but no.

The drug's name is "Requip" which sounds more like something you'd take when you're born Snappy-Comeback Challenged - "Do your coworkers zap you with zingers, leaving you fumbling for a reply, only to think of a great quip hours too late? Try Requip!"

I'm a Weak Willed Mentalist MASTER

Have you ever encountered this?

You don't believe something in the slightest, but decide to play devil's advocate and convince someone else.

You convince them!

...and you manage to halfways convince yourself too. Weird.

Gave up lint for fuzz

Hey, I've gone a full month without caffeine! (Not as impressive as Monsieur Lizard, but I'm proud) This is a huge deal for me - a few years ago, when I gave up my 4 cokes a day for lent and then gave up lent for lint, I started taking caffeine pills instead.

For years, my job involved sitting still and staring at a computer screen for hours on end - caffeine was the only way to stay awake.

Lately I'd been edgy, moody and depressed, and I kept wondering how much of it was the caffeine. Finally I decided to find out by quitting cold turkey. Quit all pills, actually. No more sinus pills, no more pain pills. Just my daily multivitamin.

Results - no longer edgy. The rest of the symptoms are hanging on. Maybe I need to eliminate something else. One thing at a time, until I discover a perfect balance. Mebbe I should cut down on the heroin?

Well, I haven't had a physical in about 18 years. (it was during my last year in high school - God, I'm old). Maybe getting one would help too.

Just out of greed, even

It's weird to me that the Dursleys never warmed up to Harry, even if just for self-serving reasons. All manner of magical stuff goes down before their very eyes, and still they treat the boy like shit.

If not from fear, then why not greed? "Hey boy, is there a way we can make money with this magic stuff of yours? Yes, we know you can't do magic at home, but what about at school? We'll owl you broken antiques while you're there, and you'll do your Reparo thing, yes? Earn your keep, and perhaps a little respect boy, eh what?"

Too easily contented

Why is it, when I have a good book to read, my bills are paid and my belly full, all other ambition seems to melt away?

I mean, how will I do anything Wikipedia-worthy at this rate?

Welcome Home!

Recently we had to leave the cat overnight at the kitty dental surgeon, as she had two cracked teeth that needed extracting.

It was so weird to come home and not have her here, not have her greet us as the door with an inquisitive "pbpbbb?" The place seemed too empty.

I came to realize just how often I think about the cat - every time I go to get up from my desk chair, open or close a door, or dash through the house to get the phone - I'm constantly refreshing my Cat Status data. And if an hour goes by and she hasn't come to check on me, I go and check on her, and give her a little chin-scratch.

Even in bed - Cindy's toes are constantly in motion, dancing to to some rhythm of nervous energy, and it gets them pounced on by the cat - often at 3am. Cindy is off today and sleeping late, and when I went in to snuggle briefly, she stretched, her toes popping out from under the covers.

"Where's the cat?" She asked.
"On the dresser, she's sleeping."

"Good."

She came home with a little patch of the fur on her right front leg shaved (for the IV) and needed pain reliever (liquid) administered once a day for three days, and antibiotics (teeny pill) twice a day for a week. Cindy was able to get the cat to open right up for her pill, and all I got was hissing and some mournful meowing. It's been a few weeks, and she's all better now!

Welcome home kitty, we missed you!

There's no winning

I don't make friends easily... it's my own fault. I'm a homebody, and pretty much keep to myself at work. I'm pretty shy until I get to know someone, and then it's hard to shut me up. Once I make a friend, it's all good - I'm the kind of pal who helps you move and picks you up from the airport.

I was thinking recently how I missed my friends in Los Angeles, and how it would be nice to play video games with (NO to online gaming, too many assholes), chat about tech, have someone to go to movies like The Transformers with - Cindy has no interest in such things.

Hey, I could find out if there were any local movie watching clubs!

Hmn.

Yeah, but they would want to see movies I had no interest in, or on days and times when it was inconvenient, and some annoying loudmouthed guy named Brad or Chad or Wad would always need a ride, but he'd be one of those people who never showers, so he would get my car all funkdified. And with my luck, he'd live in the same apt complex as me, so I'd be stuck taking him to every show, and he'd start showing up at my apartment unannounced to hang out all the time.

Shit, I can go see The Transformers by myself, and save myself a lot of grief.

Sad, no? For surely I would have such a great time with Susan, Frank, Joe, and Rodney that dealing with Wad would be worth it. Plus, I could always explain to him the need to shower daily, and how to call before dropping by. I'm very non-confrontational though, so I'd probably bottle up my frustration for a few months, and then scream at poor Wad. Then I'd feel guilty.

"You stinky fuck! Go HOME!"
Meh. Not worth it... or is it? Nah.

Also, all these companies keep sending me 'sign up a friend and get $$$'. I know there's a 'do not call' list, I wonder if there's a 'got no friends' list? Then they could spent their marketing dollars on folks that can participate.

Bah, that would just put me on the 'Meeting people in your area! Wow!' lists.

Maybe not squeaky clean, per se

How picky are you when it comes to clean dishes?

Let's say you use a sharp knife to cut your bagel in half - do you consider the knife dirty after cutting? Me, I put the knife back in the drawer.

Or you use the meat scissors to cut a vent hole in the frozen corn - dirty? No no, back in the drawer it goes.

How about if you microwave a giant pretzel? You put it on a plate, but the pretzel is wrapped in a paper towel, so all that is gonna get on the plate is a bit of steam. Steam is clean, m'friends!

Or you boil some water for your instant oatmeal - all that touched the pan was boiling water, and that's right up there with steam when it comes to cleanliness.

You'd think everyone would agree with this irrefutable logic, but no!

YAY!

Just 55 minutes until I'll be reading the new Harry Potter!

Wheeeee!

We're buying two copies, and the phones will be turned off all day Saturday, thank you.

Remind me some time

I can't go into specifics right now, but remind me later to explain how a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser saved my life.

Odd

Mister Paulius has a podcast, for those of you who didn't know.

It's a fun podcast! I was in the car yesterday, listening to the latest installment, and it was really surreal, this guy I kinda know but don't, his voice was coming out of of my car speakers, like he was on the radio or something.

Also, he's working on a Web Comic! How cool is that?

~~~~~

Update! An unnamed source inside PauliusCo has informed me that the web comic has been delayed due to issues with the Kazakhstanian art studio. We will continue to live vicariously through the creative deeds of others as long as necessary. Good thing I brought a book.

Hmph-grumble

You know how it is - you explain the concept of a Space Elevator to your good lady wife, and she waves you off like you're short of the runway.

But if Neil deGrasse Tyson explains it, suddenly it makes complete sense.

.

Take THAT

I've come up with a new taunt. It's really fun to say, but I don't know where it came from, or exactly what means... It's helpfully vague, yet seems threatening without commiting to anything:

(using your most threatening tone)

I will climb you like a tree!

Spot the fake # 3

The names for law firms leave much to be desired. I think it might be time to drop the 'Yorkshire, Washington, Witwackleston, and Prattfordson' style of naming, and go to something with more zing - like VICTORY, INC!

Can you tell which of these Florida law firms are fake?

Barbarette & Quirk
Rush & Glassman
Episcopo Joe
Hertz Darby
Moses & Rooth
Lippman Horween & Gross
Kirkconnell Lindsey Snure & Yates
Blankner & Jaeger
Paul Courtright
Flood Ringers Morgan & Lawton
Taracks & Wetter
Cheeseman & Phillips
Hoyer Newcomer Smiljanch
Black White & Redallover

Real Life Conversation # 23

Well, have a good day, drive safely.

(HUG!)

Do I smell good? You like?

Sniff! Sniff! Yes you do, Yes I do.

It's new stuff. I like it!

Hmm, you don't even wear deodorant on your days off with me.

Hey, you're the one who read me that article on the virtues of detoxing.

I guess. How come everyone at work gets to enjoy the Sweetly-Scented-You?

I save my raw pheromones for you, sweetie. The world's not ready.

Issues

Getting good news should make you happy, right? Not give you arrhythmia and stomach pains?

Also, I can't spell arrhythmia, how sad is that?

A hookup? For ME?

Did I mention that my '91 Escort finally gave out?

Have I already babbled about this? It's easy to forget who you told what. It's why I always tell the truth, because it's too much work keeping track of lies.

Well, the car was about to give out - when the mechanic broke the news that it needed its transmission rebuilt ($2500) it was a huge blow to its morale.

Cindy happened to mention my car issues while she was at work. Someone at her work who knew someone who knows someone took a few steps, Cindy cashed out a chunk of her work stock for the down payment and POOF!! I have a new car.

Not just a new-for-me-but-in-fact-quite-savagely-used, but NEW. This is the first time I've ever had a new car.

It was the most painless car-buying experience ever, no pressure, no haggling, just a damn good car at a damn good deal.

It boggles the mind. It's all thanks to Cindy! Yay!

~~~~~

By popular demand, a photo:

.

Statistically

Do devoutly religious folks have a more devil may care (ha!) attitude about life?

Especially those folks with a nifty afterlife package (Valhalla please, and step on it) and the faiths all about reincarnation.

I ask because I was nearly run down (twice) by a speed demon in a Volvo which was covered by JESUS LIVES stickers.

You owe me one

Go! Get some! Thank me later!

(You might need some chicken, too! And an egg.)
.

My knee is acting up, musbe gonna rain

It's not a sign of increasing age, is it? When I hear a new musical group, I automatically compare them to someone else.

Who is this? oh, Universal Honey - sounds like Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders.

Lana Lane, huh, sounds like Ann Wilson of Heart.

Who was that? Hmn, Yeah Yeah Yeahs - sounds a bit like Siouxsie and the Banshees...

Wake me in 2300AD, thanks

.

How do you scoop?

In our household, we have two different ways of scooping ice cream -

I'm a deep pit miner, going all the way to the bottom of the carton (where the goodies often lurk).

Cindy is a strip miner, scooping shallowly from the surface, keeping everything uniform.

How do you guys do it?

How online security...

...can lead to marriage counseling.
.

.
So there we were, I was sitting at the keyboard and she was lovingly chinning my shoulder.

I was trying to access a dark and forbidding nook of the Bank of America website, when apparently I blundered into a tripwire:

We're sorry, but since this is the first time you're visiting this section, we'll need you to answer a security question, one of 100 answered by you 5 years ago or more:

*Who is your first and only true love?*

(She nuzzles my neck at this, and waits as I blink at the cursor...)

FudgingFudger!

I confidently type the name "Cindy" and click submit.

Welcome to the deep recesses of the Bank of America website! How can we help you?

I start breathing again.

"Damn right." my first and only true love gently whispers in my ear.

Why I'm not in charge

Ok, so all of the guests will be dressed as Deadites, right? The minister will be dressed like Evil Undead Ash, and I'll be dressed as Ash, and you'll be Sheila, of course.

And instead of saying "I do", we'll say "Klaatu birata nikto".

My only concern is how to work in the chainsaw...

You can't make this stuff up*

CBS, clearly itching with jealousy over the popularity of the NBC mutant-teen drama HEROES, has begun development of their own teen drama involving special teen eye-candy.

SCIONS chronicles the lives of ten 'random' teens brought together from around the globe (but mostly from America, because apparently the American public can't stand them no subtitles) who have the desperate duty to...
wait for it... Save The World.

These 10 SCIONS are the descendants of great minds of the past - Shelly Kipling, (heir of Rudyard Kipling, it seems), Ellie Churchill, Jake Einstein, Giorgetta Da Vinci, Pheobe Edison, Yannis Socrates, and four more yet to be revealed.

"We've put our own twist on it," says CBS. "Our Einstein is a beat poet and horrible at math! They're young people still trying to discover themselves."

While they have no mutant powers, the SCIONS all share a genetic history of genius, and are brought together as a first-of-its-kind think-tank to prevent an Extinction Level Event which is about to devastate the planet.

Oooh! Can't wait not to watch it.

.

*And yet, I did.

It just came to me

"Ironing has nothing to do with heat, steam, or starch, and everything to do with will power."

Which must be why all the stuff I iron ends up 'somewhat less wrinkled', instead of 'crisply pressed'.

Real Life Conversation # 22

I don't know how you girls do it. White girls I mean.

Hmm?

Go out with white guys. I mean, I know I am one, but.
We're so bland and geeky and wimpy.

There are lots of sexy white guys.

Well I can tell you - there aren't many of 'em in software development.

Maybe girls go out with white guys, you know, because they have Power.

(snorts) I don't even have power windows.

Too easy?

So the theory goes that you can get up to light speed, but you couldn't possibly take enough fuel with you, because you need exponentially more fuel the faster you go.

Why not a Solar-Powered Mag Beam Light Speed System? All of the hardware would be separate from the vessel, which simply has the sail on it.

Hmm?

This photo approved by committee?

1) Look at the creepy guy on this web page

In case it doesn't load properly, here's a cropped version:

.

2) Is it just me?

It doesn't inspire me with a sense of consumer abandon, I can tell you that.

It doesn't make me say "Sprint rocks! I want to spend more cash with Sprint!"

His grin seems to say "Welcome to County Jail. You sleep, I cut you."
He looks like one of The Joker's henchmen.

.

.

(The nummy conjoined twins near the bottom of the page (back to back? there's something new for Discovery Health Channel to look into)..DO help to offset the guy's ick factor, but still, relations with these girls might present logistical and anatomical challenges. And we'd need a massage table, cause they both need to breathe.

Also, I'm only one man!
Be patient, Sybil, I'm attending to Gladys right now.)

.

Polite Hint: You Can't Spell

"Enthusiams." - me as De Niro as Al Capone

I'm not at all enthusiastic about pennies. Many a time, I've seen a penny on the ground and not deigned to pick it up. Like children, a penny on the ground is likely to be sticky.

A nickel... I also probably wouldn't bother with. While a nickel might not be sticky, it may well be tacky or gummy.

A dime, now. A dime I would pick up. You can actually buy something with a few dimes. A nickel? What can you buy with a handful of nickels? Why am I significantly and disproportionally more enthusiastic about dimes than nickels? I dunno.

A quarter? Hell yeah I'm gonna pick up a quarter, I don't care if it has blood and gore on it. Maybe it hearkens back to my Pac-Man days, but a quarter is like, part of a soda or a honey bun or a load of laundry, quarters is money.

Real Life Conversation # 21

Aww that's so thoughtful baby, thank you!

Sure sure, no problem!

(coy) Who taught you to be so thoughtful?

(mock yelling) It was YOU alright? I learned by watching YOU!

(chuckles) Dating yourself there honey.

Thought I was dating you. Heh Heh. Ooh, yeah.

Go put some pants on.

she also wields a block of pumice

What is it with the commercials for bathroom cleaning where (usually a woman, because somehow, corporations think only women scrub bathrooms) a woman is standing before the toilet wearing safety goggles, welding gloves, hip waders, a lead apron, and wielding a pick and chisel.

Why?

I have cleaned bathrooms professionally, and I'm the one who cleans them at home. All you need to clean a toilet are:

a) Paper towels

b) Windex

(Note - add a bleach tablet to the tank once a month.)

Using the Windex, you spray the toilet's tank and lid, then open the lid, then spray the top of the lid, then spray the seat, then lift the seat, spraying the underside of the seat, the rim and bowl.

Wait 30 seconds. Wipe down everything you just sprayed. Now spray the base, everywhere, and wipe it down. If you do it right, you will need at most 3 paper towels (Bounty).

DONE.

.

Real Life Conversation # 20

- 2 weeks ago -

I'm telling you, my car smells like dead ants.

Wha?

A whole mess of 'em crawled in there and died.

Come on. What do dead ants smell like?

Uh, it's like a sweet and acrid smell...

You're crazy. Dead ants don't smell.

- last night -

...Also take some Febreeze with you,

Huh?

And spritz yourself down before you meet them.

Why?

Cause when you get out of the car? You totally smell like dead ants.

Still nothing

What? Is it so hard to believe that I have no life?

Nothing to report

Weird, I know.

Mum

Mum, I said!

Poor lil dude

Imagine the unfortunate, honest and hardworking Nigerian guy, a bright new graduate of Nigerian Computer Polytechnic, who doesn't understand why no one replies to his emails.

Eeep!

Do not, unless you are prepared to have your fundamental understanding of life and sanity challenged, go up to your spouse and (jokingly) say with grave seriousness:

"We need to talk. I found your secret stash."

Um...

Dinner Guests Prep - Suggestion

Long before you start cooking, turn on all the burners to high for 5 minutes. Allow anything burnt on to burn off.

Let the air clear fully (open a window, whydontcha) and then start cooking. This means your lovely dinner won't be tainted by the smoking remains of last week's Chef Boyardee.

While playing Diabo 2 this weekend

I'd summoned an Iron Golem, using as my metal component a pair of very snazzy armored boots...

At one point, the Iron Golem was in my way, stuck in place and jittering in the "help, I'm stuck!" half-animation.

"Dammit, get out the way!" I said. "Stoopid Golem."

"Hey! Give me a break! I'm made of shoes!" my brain answered for the Golem, in an Eddie Izzard voice.

A Yellowed(?) Post-It Note from 1985

Note to self -

What the hell is a "Sussudio"??

.

Real Life Conversation # 19

Huff huff hff huff!

I'm worried that after I leave, you'll fall off the treadmill and lie there, hurt.

Huff huff! Aw, I won't fall.

Mmn.

And if I did, the kitty would call 911 and give me CPR.

Chuckles.. I can see her jumping on your chest, boing! boing!

Cute Kitty Voice: Dammit, I'm not gonna lose you! Puff! Puff! Fight! FIGHT!

Cute Kitty Voice: ...I haven't had breakfast yet!

this never happened

Yeah, my Uncle Ben was kinda out there, you know?

He was always like "I'm gonna make it big, kid! Everyone's gonna know my name!"

Like anyone could be famous for making rice.

The Y Chromosome and You

There are Men and there are grown boys.

I'm a grown boy. I feel like I should be admitting that in front of a support group for some reason...

3 Things

Why is it, going 3.8mph on the treadmill makes taking a drink of water a series of careful deliberate steps, but in the car, I think nothing of toying with my iPod at 70mph?

Can work stress cause stigmata? Or did I simply poke myself on something? And if it is stigmata, why me? Wouldn't a true believer have a lot more fun with them? Talk about something to include in the Christmas letter.

Hey, I get paid tomorrow!

Attn: Time-Traveling Assassination Squad 3

Dear TTAF-S3 Captain,

Congratulations on the rousing success of your most recent mission!

Our clients (The Committee for Easy-Listening Radio Sanity) are most pleased with the never was .of Bob 'Ducky' Jameson. Nothing shuts a guy up like having his grandfather killed as a two year old. In fact, the client was so pleased that they provided a $5000.00 bonus for each of you!

Unfortunately, Ducky Jameson's gap in the Easy-Listening genre has spawned an artist almost as bad. (no, I'm not talking about Kennys A-F, as it seems soprano saxophones cannot be banished no matter how we try).

The new target is one Rod Stewart. Search north London in the mid 1940's. Dangerous place, London... Maybe a V2 could take out mommy.
.

.Tempus Iuguolo

Preliminary Report XJA2(B)

The ruins on the planet are extensive. We've begun digging on the northern continent, which was recently uncovered when the P3 Glacier retreated.

We appear to have discovered what is almost certainly a religious offering, laboriously scrawled using a red waxen stylus on a bleached, mashed cellulose and epoxy medium.

Their supreme deity appears to have been a form of large Awqk.

This prayer-sheet appears to juxtapose the dichotomy of the precise nature of this Awqk-God, (as is typical with all early mammalo-sapiens) describing him as an Awqk, but without hair, and therefore fundamentally un-Awqk-like.

Perhaps this lack of hair was a symbol that this Awqk (named Fuzzy Wuzzy, it seems) was more enlightened than his (presumably) hairy peers. The debates regarding Evolution were clearly an important issue on this planet.

Spot the Fake # 2

I'm dealing with maps a lot lately. I'm still new to Florida, so the perversity of the locales just gets me. Surely there is no actual place named Yeehaw Junction. Surely.

Can you spot the fake Florida town name in the list below?

Bokeelia
Chokoloskee
DeFuniak Springs
Gotha
Homosassa
Hypoluxo
Lake Panasoffkee
Myakka City
Okahumpka
Okeechobee
Olustee
Opa Locka
Punta Gorda
Thonotosassa
Tuskawilla
Umatilla
Weeki Wachee
Wuzzle Springs
Yeehaw Junction

Real Life Conversation # 18

Well he just really likes living alone, is all.

Hmph. Anyone who likes living alone hasn't met the right person.

(They both marinate in the unexpected romance of that statement)

You're young until you're not...

In 3 years, I will have graduated from high school 20 years ago.

In 3 years, I'll probably feel old. Maybe I'll start early, and avoid the rush.

Etcher on Parking - Test 1

Which is the best parking spot in this scenario?

A: No! Too crowded near the store, too many drivers vying for the spot, as you are parking and as you are driving away. Also, too crowded with pedestrians.

B: Yes! Pull all the way through via E, to make for an easy exit! The cars on either side probably belong to people who work at the store, they'll likely be there all day.

C: No! Too many jerks zipping around. Never park on the end.

D: No! Someone could park next you, and do a bad job of it.

E: No! Someone could park next you, and do a bad job of it.

Yay! Gainful Employment!

I start my new job today!

.

It's a real pretty area, tho tracking down a Filet O' Fish might be a problem...

Actual Job Postings # 3

...a bit of an audit or accounting background always helps.

~~~~~

Education and Experience: A high school diploma.
Must be certified ACI Field Testing Technician Level 1 and Safety Training for Nuclear Density Gauges.

~~~~~

POOL TEXT Wanted

Exp. Preferred, will train

~~~~~

Sewing Machine Operators.

A/C & Heated room.

~~~~~

CARNIVAL WORKERS NEEDED.

Come travel with us, leaving soon. Paid cash weekly. Driver's license a bonus.

~~~~~

BE PART OF EVERY SPECIAL OCCASION

As a floral transporter with Armellini, you make it happen!

~~~~~

Scribe- PT,

Req: Medical terminology, nice handwriting, Good spelling

~~~~~

LABORER help install septic and drain fields.

Min. of 25 yrs old. Good health.

~~~~~

OTR DRIVERS

READY FOR A FAT WALLET?

~~~~~

seeking 6FT employees in Research and Manufacturing Positions

2 Things

I would like to send 2 notes through time:

1) To me, aged 20...
.....Do it NOW, NOW, NOW

2) To me, aged 50...
.....Yes, you do need a neck tuck. And get those jowls trimmed back, damn.

Real Life Conversation # 17

Ooh, cookies and milk for breakfast?

Mmmn-Grrr.

What? There's no reason to be shy - cookies for breakfast, that's what being an adult is all about. I'm having ice cream.

Uh-huh. Grr.

Hey, it's cool. You don't have to convince me it's all right.

Who said I was trying to convince you?

Yummy!

Y'all in the South! Get your butts down to Publix, and get some Sticky Buns Ice Cream! Delicious!

.

Maybe it's just me

What do you think of when you see a sign for this establishment?

I don't want to bias you, so I'll hold my opinion until I have yours...

Her name was Littlebit

My laptop is in Intensive Care right now, or needs to be.

It started out with mouse driver error messages. I cleaned up the drive, ran virus scans, reinstalled the mouse driver. Then video card driver error messages started. I repaired them. (I'm really happy that I backed up 99.99% of my files at this point, onto our other PC.)

Then the system would not boot. It would try to boot for about 15 seconds, and then start over. Then it would start over. Then it would start over. It would not boot in Safe Mode, or any other mode for that matter.

I used the restore disc and reset the system back to its out-of-the-box configuration. YAY, it worked!

...for about 10 minutes.

Then blue screens of crapitude started, crashing the system at random -
Bad Pool Caller
Page Fault in Non Paged Area
IRQL Not Less or Equal

.

Now, I'm not nearly as technical I'd like to be, so please forgive what is likely an ignorant question: With a fresh system restoration and an ongoing "crapping out every 3 minutes" problem, it seems as if it's hardware-related? Motherboard issues?

Clearly, I need to get it looked at by a professional, but I have to guess that if it IS a hardware problem, I might as well buy a new laptop. How long do laptops last, anyway? This is my first one, and I've had it just exactly two years.

Obviously, you can just keep replacing everything that breaks, but how long is that cost-effective?

"Dear Daddy, IOU 1 Poopy"

I'm an organized guy. When I leave my desk at work (when I have a job, that is) you'd think the desk was ready for some new guy to start sitting there on Monday. Only the computer items and the phone are on the desk. What is there is straight, well-aligned, and symmetrical.

My home desk is pretty much the same way, except for the neatly folded paper towels, which seem to multiply like tribbles.

Knowing this, it will come as no surprise to you that I keep a CatLog posted on the inside of the bathroom door. I track litterbox use by excretion type and quantity (what I wouldn't give for an automated system that would create a timestamp for each visit) and scoop the potty out of the box probably four times a day.

Too much? No. Our house does not smell in the slightest of cat potty. You can come into the house, yea verily into the bathroom, get on your knees and sniff the litterbox and you'd still be hard pressed to determine whether or not we have a cat.

Using the chart, I also track any health or behavioral issues - why not? I have the chart already posted, broken down by day. It's an easy thing to jot down "threw up dinner @ 8:30pm" or "ate only 1/3 of breakfast" or "right eye watery - pollen allergies?" or "very vocal today" or "grumpy" next to the potty info.

Day to day, the information probably isn't very useful, but it will be handy if and when something health-related happens, I'll have a history that might actually be useful to the vet. Questions about kitty's potty activity, diet, and behavior habits are easily answered. I enter all the data into an excel sheet at the end of the month.

Hey, here's a cat-question: Ours has never thrown up a hairball. She's a shorthair, if that matters. Is this normal? She's our first cat.

According to my data - on an average day, our kitty pee's twice and poo's once. Every third or fourth day, a poo is skipped, and I need to have some friendly but stern words with the kitty.

"Where's the poopy? You owe me a poopy, Little Miss! You get your fuzzy butt in there and get digging!" No, of course it doesn't work.